Here’s useless boobie carrying unit Audrina Patridge in next month’s Maxim Magazine. I do have to say that along with the usual “sensuously eating fruit pose” and the obligatory bikini and bra shots, I’m a little confused by what Maxim is hinting at with the “hose between the legs” bit. Isn’t that usually reserved for men? Are they hinting at female ejaculation, perhaps? The benefits of douching? I don’t really know. It’s up for you to decide, dear readers. As for me, I’m going to go outside and reenact this scene, and try to get some feedback from the neighbors. Cheerio!

I still can’t figure out who Christina Milian is, and as a matter of fact I’ve become pretty convinced that she and Vanessa Minnillo are actually the same person.  Have you ever seen the two of them together?  EXACTLY, my friends.  Case closed.

Christina and/or Vanessa in the July ‘09 issue of Maxim:

I have absolutely no idea who the hell Katie Cassidy is.  I suppose I could’ve asked The Google, but that seemed like kind of a lot of work when I considered the fact that none of you pervs are likely to give a rat’s ass.  She could be the empress of Tahiti for all I know, but she’s scantily clad and that’s really the sum total of our pre-requisites in this joint.

In the June ‘09 issue of Maxim:

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the idiots over at Maxim, but they somehow managed to convince Eliza Dushku to do their March ‘09 issue and then proceeded to fuck it up in just about every way possible.  She’s not even as naked as in those recent Dollhouse promo stills, and whatever they did with makeup and airbrushing makes her look kinda not like herself.  She’s still hot because she’s Eliza Dushku and she’d be hot even if you painted her orange and put her in a bikini made of hot-glued bottle caps, but this whole thing could’ve gone so much better.

Anyway, these are low quality and there are only a few of them, but what do you bitches want from me? I give and I give, and it is NEVER ENOUGH for you.

Ashley Greene is still a nobody until that stupid Twilight movie comes out on November 21st, so naturally, here she is slutting it up as hard as she can without actually removing any of her clothing in Maxim.  I would make fun of her in other ways, but I don’t know a single other thing about her and I seriously can’t be bothered to find out.  In one week these horrible Twilight people are going to be everywhere and they probably won’t shut up even if their lives depend on it, so I suggest you just enjoy little Alice Cullen here while she’s not talking.

“Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker says she was crushed to discover she topped Maxim magazine’s “Unsexiest Women” list. In her defense, Maxim magazine is without a doubt the world’s douchiest magazine¹ with a less than stellar history when it comes to determining what is “sexy” in the first place. Let the record show that Britney Spears topped their sexiest list on more than one occasion, along with Lindsay “Dirty Sanchez” Lohan and Christina “Tranny-licious” Aguilera. That noted, Sarah Jessica told The Daily Mail

“Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in men’s magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It’s kind of shocking… It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.

“It upset [my husband Matthew Broderick], because it has to do with his judgment too. It’s condemnation, it’s insane. What can I do? I guess you can’t please all people.”

Well, I think that’s what she said. As long as six foot stamps, one whinny and three tail swishes still translates the same. The last part might have been something about youth-obsessed culture and her saddle chafing.

¹_{Right after Douchebag Weekly and Douche & Garden, respectively}

SJP at the ShoWest Awards last week: