The December issue of Maxim is finally on the newsstands, so here are the first round of shitty low-res scans of Ashley Greene’s inside pictorial. Ooh, speaking of Ashley Greene, that reminds me — what’s the difference between a girl who stars in Twilight and a girl buying tickets to see Twilight? About forty pounds and a couple of boxes of Manic Panic. Zing!

“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.

Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Boy, the last time I saw abs like these, it was this morning and I was looking in a mirror. But I can’t go around looking in a mirror all day, now can I? It’s just not practical. And you wouldn’t believe how hard it makes navigating a school zone. That’s why I’m glad that Mila Jovovich decided to show hers off in Italian Maxim. Involuntary manslaughter and vehicular homicide charges can really cramp a girl with rockin abs’ style.

I gave you the sexy November cover a couple of weeks ago; now, I’m giving you the goods — Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia Helfer and Grace Park in next month’s issue of Maxim magazine. To be honest, I don’t know much about either of the women, but by the looks of this photo, I’m guessing Grace Park spent most of her life crouched over a bowl of cornmeal brushing flies from the corners of her eyes, and Tricia appears to have suffered from amoebic dysentery for the last fifteen or so years. I honestly don’t know whether I want to take off my pants or donate to the Christian Children’s Fund here.

Please, won’t you call today:

Pop quiz: What do you get when you combine six and eight? I don’t know, but I sure hope it involves a video camera and tear-away cheerleader uniforms. Woo! High five!

Old pics of Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica’s Number 6) in Maxim…

… and Grace Park (BSG’s Number in FHM:

Enjoy bonus S.S. Miss Universe Dayana Mendzoa topless today, since I blacked out at five yesterday and didn’t get it up. But you know who did get it up? This guy at met in the parking lot of the Barmaid’s Arms. Woo! High five! I don’t remember much of what happened, but he was kind enough to put me on a bus headed for Cleveland and hang on to my purse for me. Don’t pretend like you’re not jealous!

Maxim U.K. has put out yet another useless list, this one titled “Top Ten Hottest Wimbeldon Tennis Players of 2009,” and rounding out the top three spots are Alona Bondarenko, Marta Domachowska, and Nicole Vaidisova. Not to be confused with Oksana Gaponenko, Tatyana Fedoseev, and Irina Svichkar, who topped my “Top Ten Hottest Mail Order Brides of 2009″ list. Trafficked and racquet sound a lot a like, so it’s a pretty easy mistake to make.

_{1. Alona Bondarenko, 2. Marta Domachowska, 3. Nicole Vaidisova, 4. Elena Dementieva, 5. Maria Kirilenko, 6. Maria Sharapova, 7. Daniela Hantuchova, 8. Mathilde Johansson, 9. Ana Ivanovic, 10. Elena Vesnina}

A downtown Manhattan Calvin Klein billboard ad depicting a three-on-one group sex scene has family values groups up in arms. Fox News says

The blue-jeans giant has unveiled a jumbo ad that shows two young men and a young woman entwined in a semi-nude threesome, as another man undresses.

Randy Sharp of the American Family Association [said], “I find this kind of ad repulsive, I find it disgusting, I find it inappropriate for a public venue.”

Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, said, “This is graphic and intended to shock any sensibility — even in New York.”

Frankly, I don’t know what offends me more more — the depiction of a semi-nude threesome, or the man wearing the cuffed denim shorts. Both are pretty repulsive if you ask me.

And speaking of semi-nude, here are some pics of Olivia Wilde in next month’s Maxim:

“Slumdog Millionaire” star Freida Pinto sexes up the pages of next month’s Maxim magazine, but you wouldn’t know it was her to look at the pictures. I don’t know why Maxim insists on photoshopping the hell out of everything they touch. Just compare the picture above with this picture from next month’s Glamour. I wouldn’t even think the two women were related, much less the same person. Unless it was for her role as Teri Hatcher’s evil Latina twin, I’d say Maxim really fucked this one up big time.

Maxim and Glamour pics, plus a bunch of older ones from various T&A magazines:

Meet the “Holy Grail of human evolution” — the fossilized remains of a 47 million-year-old primate believed to be the long-sought missing link between humans and apes. The NY Daily News says

Officially known as Darwinius masillae, the fossil of the lemur-like creature dubbed Ida shows it had opposable thumbs like humans and fingernails instead of claws.

Scientists say the animal’s hind legs offer evidence of evolutionary changes that led to primates standing upright - a breakthrough that could finally confirm Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.

“This specimen is like finding the Lost Ark for archeologists,” lead scientist Jorn Hurum said at a ceremony at the American Museum of Natural History. “It is the scientific equivalent of the Holy Grail. This fossil will probably be the one that will be pictured in all textbooks for the next 100 years.”

Yeeeah! Exclusive — click the header image for the amazing photo of Ida wearing a bikini and walking upright that has turned the science world on its head!

Terminator Salvation’s Moon Bloodgood in Maxim magazine because she’s the missing link between your hand and your penis:

Here’s a sexy spread that Oksana Pochepa, the chick that supposedly did in Mel Gibson’s marriage, shot for Russian Maxim a few years back. You’ll note that Russian Maxim is kinda of like our Maxim, only instead of “never ending cycle of insurmountable poverty” they say “socialism,” and instead of “flies” they say “our national bird.”