The only thing redeeming about Katy Perry is her tits, so it makes perfect sense that Maxim covered ‘em up in all but one photo in their January issue. God, Maxim sucks. If I wanted to see a bunch of frumpy one piece swimming suits, I’d hit the YMCA’s low-impact water aerobics class and yell that Matlock was passing out free Metamucil in the lobby.
Conan O’Brien’s new show on TBS premiered last night with the triumphant return of faithful sidekick Andy Richter. I’m sure the execs at NBC thought it sucked. Remember, those are the same guys who gave “Outsourced” the green light for another season. They wouldn’t know funny even if it put on a bear costume and masturbated in their faces.
Alyson Michalka of “Phil of the Future” and “Hellcats” in Maxim; more Conan after the jump:
I don’t watch any TV shows unless they’re animated or have the words “intergalactic” in the title description, so I don’t know anything about “How I Met Your Mother.” But apparently, this hot chick on the cover of Maxim is part of the cast. And, um, Doogie Howser’s on there, too. I’m guessing he plays a gay with a heart of gold and a knack for zany quips and zingers. Oh, and it comes on right before the Charlie Sheen version of “My Two Dads” on that one channel that never shows cartoons except on Saturday. It’s no Andromeda or EFC, but if you’re stoned and the remote control’s all the way on the other side of the room, you can always kill 22 minutes staring at Cobie Smulders’ awesome rack.
Avril Lavinge is missing something important on the cover of next month’s Maxim. No, not cliched angst or pedestrian “bad girl” sexuality. They’re both there. It’s not fourteen pounds of hair extensions or lame tattoos, either — they’re there too. It’s the arm with the big pink arrows pointing at it. Either she’s part chameleon, or else her elbow has been surgically fused to the side of her abdomen.
Anna Kournikova is to tennis what Dane Cook is to comedy, but that hasn’t stopped Maxim from putting her in their latest 3D issue in a bikini. Probably because Maxim is the Dane Cook of soft core jerkoff mags. See how mediocrity often comes full circle? That’s why most of your Linkin Park CD’s are typically round. The more you know…
“Jersey Shore’s” Jenni “JWoww” Farley might not have a college education or a belly button (see above), but that hasn’t stopped her from demanding an exorbitant amount of money to get drunk and show off her shitty implants. Us Magazine reports:
The cast of Jersey Shore is very close to signing on the dotted line for an enormous pay raise for the show’s third season.
Season-two production on MTV’s reality hit was stalled by contract negotiations. [The] housemates had asked for $30,000 an episode (a 200%) raise — and MTV countered “with a number that’s close to that figure.”
Just to reiterate, thirty grand an episode for that thing up there. I wouldn’t waste five bucks on the shotgun shell to shoot it. It looks like Aldous Huxley’s vision of a Brave New World was all wrong. Somehow, the Epsilons came out on top, and the Alphas are stuck behind a computer writing about them.
Asking you to choose between Kelly Brook and Shauna Sand is like asking if you’d rather be caressed by the hand of God or punched in the throat with a beehive. It’s what we writers refer to as a “rhetorical” question, from the Greek “rhtorikos,” or “why the hell are you still reading this when you could be looking at Kelly Brooks’ boobs instead.” Dumbass.
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin
I bet Kevin Arnold is kicking himself now. He really should have moved to Paris.
Alice Eve and her spectacular rack are the only reasons I can think of to see “She’s Out of My League,” but I don’t want to speak for you here. Who knows? Maybe you found “American Pie 3: The Wedding” the most charming installation of the three and maybe you routinely say things like “You ARE the weakest link. Good-bye!” Anything that keeps you in a dark room away from me for two hours has my blessing. Go knock yourself out, loser.
Jessica Gomes seems to have magically Anglicized herself in the March issue of Australian Maxim. She’s like a completely fucking different person. Last time we saw her, she looked a whole lot more, um… exotic, if you catch my drift. I guess you can only go so far in the industry as “Nail Tech #9″ and “Prostitute Turned War Bride/Dry Cleaner.” Crouching tiger, crappy paycheck!
These are the pics of Ashley Greene that didn’t make the cut for December issue of Maxim magazine. Something else that didn’t make the cut? Harry Potter’s wiener! Get it? You know, because he’s uncircumcised? Ha ha! Yeah, I don’t know why I even try anymore.
The only way these pictures of American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi could be more boring is if they were part of Sunday morning church service with your grandparents and served in a bowl of lukewarm cauliflower purée. I’m downright embarrassed for Maxim. But still not as embarrassed as I’d be if someone actually caught me reading Maxim. Ha ha, I still have my dignity, you know!
Zzzzzzzz:
