Nov 5, 2008
Despite internet rumors that sprang up this summer, actress Megan Fox will not be assuming the role of Wonder Woman in the upcoming movie. I repeat, NOT assuming the role of Wonder Woman. However, you’ll still find that the Lasso of Truth comes in handy if you can ever actually get within restraining-order-distance of her. “Lasso of Truth” of course being code for “ten feet of nylon rope and a bottle of chloroform.” Who needs an invisible jet when you’ve got an unmarked van lined with plastic and a pair of nitrile-coated gloves? High five!
As consolation, Katie Green’s — the lingerie model who was fired for being too fat earlier this year:
Sep 17, 2008
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been announced as the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. E Online reports
The Emmy-winning daytime queen… will star in a new print and commercial ad campaign that’s rolling out in January. [DeGeneres said], “I am very, very excited about it. It’s a very cool thing, I’m honored, and the photo shoot was ‘Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, CoverGirl.’ “
Cover Girl is really trying to cover all the bases here. They’ve got Drew Barrymore for the white women, Rihanna for black women, Queen Latifah for fat women, and now Ellen DeGeneres for middle-aged lesbians. But what about dyslexic Mongolian power lifters? How long will that target demographic be ignored? It’s time that cosmetic companies started catering to the learning-disabled barbell-wielding women of East-Central Asia! We will not be ignored!
Megan Fox at the L.A. premier of Eagle Eye yesterday because she’s not middle-aged and ugly like some cover girls I know:
Sep 16, 2008
Megan Fox gets her bikini on and opens up in the October issue of GQ, and boy, do I mean “open up.” I’m talkin’ wide open. Spread eagle. Feet-behind-the-ears kind of open. She tells the men’s magazine
“I was in love with this [stripper named Nikita] that worked at [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! She’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny.”
“I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson.”
Consider this story the antidote to any Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson posts you happen to encounter on this site. I’d write more, but I’m gonna need my fingers for the next fifteen or so minutes. Pleasure before business, I always say! I’m pretty sure it’s the main reason why I still don’t have a real job.
Jul 11, 2008
Despite rumors that their engagement is off, Brian Austin Green insists that he and Megan Fox are as happy as ever. He told Us Weekly
“We’re solid. We’ve lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other’s names. We have more time away from each other right now than we’d like. [We're] rescuing pets from pet stores. We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel. And Megan wants a leopard - that’ll never happen!”
You have the feeling that he was saying everything really fast and rocking back and forth the whole time he was talking and gesturing to an empty chair and saying, “Isn’t that right Megan? Right, sweetie?” And then maybe compulsively wiping the sweat of his face and blinking really fast before bursting into maniacal laughter that gave way to anguished sobbing.
At Fred Segal in West Hollywood Tuesday:
Jun 19, 2008
Megan Fox showed up bare-fingered at the MTV Movie Awards earlier this month without fiancè Brian Austin Green on her arm. I smell trouble in paradise! According to Star Magazine
Megan hasn’t been photographed wearing the ring in months. An insider on the set of her movie says, “I’ve never seen her wearing an engagement ring. I actually thought she and [co-star] Adam Brody were dating. They were very flirty with each other and were always hanging out together when they weren’t working.”
This really doesn’t come as a surprise. I wouldn’t use Brian Austin Green’s penis to stamp out a brush fire, so there’s no reason it should be coming within smelling distance of Megan Fox’s nether regions. In fact, the only real use I can think of for Brian Austin Green’s dork is is maybe distracting scorpions away from unsuspecting babies or a carnival booth type-thing where you get to flick his penis for a dollar and all the proceeds go to a charity for children with cancer. I think the public could really get behind that. Unlike Megan Fox, who he’s probably never going to get behind again. Zing!
Outtakes from Japanese Rolling Stone:
Jun 4, 2008
“World’s Sexiest Woman” winner Megan Fox really opens up — get it? — about her love of the wiener in this month’s issue of FHM magazine. She tells FHM
“I have the libido of a teenage boy. I’d rather have sex all the time than leave the house.”
Megan Fox loves sex! Of course she does! I’m sure she also enjoys cheap beer (your brand here), football (your team here), lingerie pillow fights with her Catholic school girl friends (your favorite clichéd male fantasy here), and anal! Thanks, poor man’s Maxim, for giving us a little jerkoff fodder to go with those pictures. We all know nothing spoils masturbation like having to actually use your brain!
Big-time boner-killer: Megan Fox is currently engaged to this guy right here. Try masturbating now.
At Spike TV’s Guys Choice Awards on Thursday and the MTV Movie Awards this weekend:
Jun 2, 2008
Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco made a big stink last night when they “pretended” to spark up a doobie on stage at the MTV Movie Awards. Seth and James claimed the fake J they shared was provided by MTV as part of a skit to announce the Best Summer Movie So Far category. The NY Daily News says
Before TV audiences could see them smoking, the cameras pulled to an extremely wide angle, and stayed that way until Rogen and Franco left the stage. “Kids, don’t really smoke fake weed like this,” Rogen told the crowd. Despite Rogen’s claim, the sweet scent wafting through the Gibson Amphitheatre suggested the herb was real.
MTV officials declined to comment on the dope-smoking stunt.
I see we’ve applied to the Howard Stern school of thought, where “shock value” magically equals “funny and cutting edge.” Instead of pretending to smoke pot, Seth and James should have maybe tried pretending to kill themselves instead. At least that might have actually been funny. Especially if there was a man in a bee costume who shrugged his shoulders and blurted, “Que idiotas!” before being hit in the groin with a football. 100 million Mexicans can’t be wrong!
For a list of the night’s winners, click here
Megan Fox as her usual foxy self:
Charlize Theron in the Tin Man’s lingerie collection:
Yawn. Lindsay Lohan:
Pretty in pink Liv Tyler with Mrs. Potato Head:
Anne Hathaway in pleather and Sarah Jessica Parker bringing back go go:
Oct 23, 2007
I was always under the impression that Spike TV was cable television devoted entirely to the mentally retarded and socially impaired, but it seems in between showings of “Roadhouse” and “Ultimate Fighter Five” they find time to host useless awards shows where Paris Hilton gets booed. Sold and sold, my friend! So here she is at the Spike Scream 2007 Awards, which I know sounds like something the vegetative catatonic might enjoy, but it’s worth watching just for the audible boos when she takes the mike. All that’s missing is a roundhouse kick to her face. Really, if “Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling Impact” has taught me anything, it’s that the Blizzard Suplex and the Camel Clutch should be employed at every opportunity — consecutively if possible — by a overly-tanned woman with enormous breast implants and a man in brightly colored lycra pants. Yep, you can practically smell the Emmy’s from here!
Paris and her fake silicone insert hanging out of her dress:
Infinitely more attractive Jessica Alba and Megan Fox at the same event:
Sep 10, 2007
I was going to do separate Best and Worst Dressed lists, but let’s face it — this year’s Video Music Awards brought out the usual cavalcade of heinous fashion disasters, and out of the bunch at best anything could be categorized as “Acceptably Dressed” — so I’m going to just lump it all together. If there was an overall theme to this year’s VMAs, I’d have to say it was “Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman Before She Got All Fancy and Still Wore Whore Outfits,” as evidenced by Rhianna here. This look is saying “Upscale Melrose Hooker” all the way.
More fashion commentary after the jump!
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