The first of Giorgio Armani Holiday Makeup ads are out today, starring a dead-eyed and soulless Megan Fox that wouldn’t even make the cutting room floor at Madame Tussaud’s. It’s probably just as well. Enough concealer to cover the bags under your eyes, the cold sore on your mouth and the rugburn on your forehead is really all the “holiday makeup” a girl ever needs anyway.

A few more ads plus some of her and husband Brian Austin Green in L.A. earlier this month:

Rihanna has replaced Megan Fox as the face of Emporio Armani underwear, and the first of the new ads are out today. They’re okay, I guess. I probably would have liked them a whole lot better if they’d actually used Rihanna instead of her avatar.

Bonus non-Emporio-Armani-sanctioned photo of her sucking her thumb here:

Megan Fox told Amica magazine (click here for pics from the shoot) that she is currently undergoing laser treatments to remove the giant Marilyn Monroe portrait tattoo from her right forearm, but not because it’s ugly and stupid — because it evokes “negative energy” from the dead starlet herself. I guess nobody suggested the negative energy could actually be coming from starring in “Passion Play” and “Jonah Hex.” Us Magazine says:

“I’m removing it,” Fox says [of the tattoo. "Marilyn Monroe] was a negative person, she was disturbed, bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life.”

But the bombshell has nine other tattoos, including a quote in honor of her Passion Play costar Mickey Rourke on her ribcage, a tribal tattoo on her left wrist and another quote on her shoulder.

“Who knows, maybe I’ll remove the others too, but the laser hurts.”

But a shitty tattoo isn’t the only thing she’s had removed. She goes on to say:

“I [pierced by belly button] when I was 16-years-old because I was a fan of Britney Spears. The only time I tried to imitate someone else. But then I thought it was tacky and so I removed it when I turned 20.”

Yes, the naval piercing was the only time she tried to imitate anyone. The lip injections and cheek fillers had nothing to do with wanting to look like somebody else. Neither did the nose job. Those were just her ways of expressing her individuality and uniqueness.

With her “This is Forty” co-stars Chris O’Dowd and Jason Segal yesterday:

Actress and model (no, seriously) Kimberly Stewart gave birth to Benecio del Toro’s bastard child on Sunday. Page Six says:

Kimberly Stewart delivered her as-yet-unnamed daughter on the day of her 32nd birthday. The child weighed in at eight pounds nine ounces and was measured at 22 inches.

Her father and mother, Rod Stewart and first wife Alana Collins were present at the hospital, along with his current wife Penny Lancaster-Stewart.

Though first-time parents Kimberly Stewart and del Toro, 44, are not a couple, a rep for the star said he was “very supportive” [and] “looking forward to the arrival of the baby.”

At best, that kid’s gonna look like the Disney version of Quasimodo; at worst, like a baggy-eyed armadillo with dropsy. Back in olden times, they would have just sent it floating in a basket down a river and let natural selection work its magic.

Megan Fox in Amica magazine, because (see header image for details):

Megan Fox graces the cover and stars in a five-page pictorial inside the August issue of Elle China. It seems we weren’t the only ones under the impression that she was Asian now.

In an attempt to dispel those pesky plastic surgery rumors, Megan Fox posted a series of pictures of herself with forehead wrinkles on Facebook in an album entitled “Things You Can’t Do with Your Face when You Have Botox.” There’s surprised Megan, angry Megan, smug Megan and, um, Klingon Megan, I think. A more apt title for this album would have been “Things You Can’t Do When You’re Megan Fox: Act.”

That big fake trout pout is just itchin’ for some Preparation H:

These are supposed to be pictures of Megan Fox for Giorgio Armani Beauty’s 2011 campaign. Unfortunately, all I could find is this photo of nice Asian lady and what appeared to be a series of lovely oil paintings.

In his interview with Details magazine, Shia LaBeouf claimed he hooked up with co-star Megan Fox while they were shooting the Transformers movies. I called bullshit on him, but it turns out he was telling the truth after all. And as for Megan’s now-husband Brian Austin Green, it seems at the time, they had briefly gone their separate ways, leaving the door wide open for Shia. Us Magazine says:

“Yes, Megan and Shia hooked up,” a set source confirms.

“But It was when Megan and Brian broke up,” the source explains. “They had a 10-month break before getting back together.” (Indeed, Fox and Green, 36, did have a break of nearly a year before reuniting and eventually tying the knot in June 2010.)

So Megan’s defense is “we were on a break?” It didn’t work for Ross Geller, and it doesn’t work now. It’s almost as bad as recycling a running gag from “Friends.” I think we both should be ashamed.

I would read Cat Fancy or Progressive Grocer before I ever picked up a copy of any magazine that claimed Shia LaBeouf was “the most honest and complex actor alive,” but Details does just that in their latest issue. In the interview, Shia bitches, moans, pisses and complains no less than 17 times before claiming he boned Megan Fox in the next-to-last paragraph. Always wanna end on a high note, those honest and complex types. Details says:

Asked if he hooked up with Fox, LaBeouf nods affirmatively. “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them,” he explains. “I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

When I inquire about Fox’s status at the time with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, LaBeouf replies, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know,” repeating the phrase exactly 12 times with various intonations, as if trying to get it just right. Finally, he says, “It was what it was.”

If you had banged Megan Fox, you’d be shouting it from the damn rooftops, not shaking your head in befuddlement before coming up with some infuriatingly evasive cliche like “it was what it was.” That’s the kind of cop-out answer that falls under the heading “Vague and Nondescript Answers You Give Your Buddies When You Get Denied,” along with such favorites as “well, stuff happened” and “sorry, but I don’t kiss and tell.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Details Magazine

Kelly Brook’s Esquire cover is superior to Megan Fox’s October 2008 GQ cover in every sense of the word possible. And by “word” I of course mean “boobs.”

In next month’s Esquire + an older bikini shoot:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The nice folks behind the release of Armani Code Sport are running a promotion–get a FREE Megan Foxbot®* with your purchase of a 4.2 oz. or larger bottle of the intoxicating new fragrance! While supplies last.

^{*The Megan Foxbot® comes without warranty and may malfunction. User is liable for any injury that occurs while using the unit and understands that the Armani company assumes no responsibility for any personal harm that may come to the user. This includes, but is not limited to, penile injury and/or dismemberment as a result of attempting to use said robot unit as a sexual toy, emotional distress and/or trauma in case of unit bitching at you like your ex-girllfriend, or forcible viewing of Jennifer’s Body or Jonah Hex.}

You’ve already seen Megan Fox almost naked in her ads for Armani, but what you didn’t see was footage from the shoot itself. I propped my laptop on the pillow next to me and pretended to feed her grapes and clink imaginary champagne glasses while I watched it, but feel free to do it however you want. It’s not like there’s any hard and fast rules for watching something. Not unless you’re at an elementary school play, in which case they’re very stringent about wearing pants. Philistines.

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