Michael Lohan’smission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six
[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”
For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.
And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine:
SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says
Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.
Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.
Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”
Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.
And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”
A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:
Since it’s been all Megan, Megan, Megan, Jan BradyAmanda Seyfried had to get in her two cents about sucking face with co-star Megan Fox in the cinematic craptacular “Jennifer’s Body.” GQ writes
Getting it on with [Megan] Fox [in "Jennifer's Body], gratuitous as it was, turned out to be good preparation for Seyfried’s next project, “Chloe,” in which she plays an escort who seduces both Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore. “I had to make out with Julianne,” Seyfried says. “I was like, ‘I’ve already done this! This should be easy!’”
No, you haven’t already done this. You made out with Megan Fox. Julianne Moore is an actual actress. It ought to be a whole new experience working with someone whose modus operandi doesn’t consist of cloying come-hither stares and screaming while running away from robot explosions.
There’s been so much hype about Megan Fox’s lesbian kiss with Amanda Seyfried in the colossal stinkbomb “Jennifer’s Body,” but now that I’ve actually seen it, all I can think is “How the hell did I never notice all those acne scars on Megan’s face?” Jesus Christ. It looks like someone set her chin on fire and tried to put it out with an icepick. Megan should really hold out hope that Ray Liotta or Richard Belzer need a skin double in their next movie, or that “ambulatory flesh-colored relief map of Chile” is a full-time job.
You know how I always said that Megan Fox should shut her damn trap already and just stuff a sandwich in that stupid cock-holster of hers? Um, I just changed my mind. Gross.
Filming a SNL promo (video of which you can watch after the jump) with Andy Samberg:
Megan Fox isn’t afraid to go under the knife (plastic surgery before and after here), and she’s not afraid to use one to hack at her arm, either. She told Rolling Stone
“Yeah, [I used to cut myself]. But I would never call myself a cutter. Girls go through different phases when they’re growing up, when they’re miserable and do different things, whether it’s an eating disorder or they dabble in cutting.
I’m really insecure. I never think I’m worthy of anything… I have a sick feeling of being mocked all the time. I have a lot of self-loathing. I am very vulnerable.”
Jesus jumped up Christ. What the hell is up with all these girls cutting themselves here lately? In my day, we didn’t saw at our wrists with steak knifes to ease the pain of insecurity and self-loathing — we gave blowjobs on the back of the bus and did anal under the bleachers like any respectable high school sophomore would do. Frankly, I’m a little disgusted with all this emo “hurting on the outside like I hurt on the inside” shit. A penis can do the same job, but without any of the ugly physical scars. Emotional scars are practically impossible to see!
Showing off her legs after a “Jennifer’s Body” press conference last month:
Megan Fox does a half-assed “If I Could Turn Back Time”Cher on the cover of next month’s Rolling Stone magazine, only without the thigh-high boots or the Iowa-class battleship backdrop. I just hope Cher will break out that see-through catsuit again and show this smarmy little bitch how it’s really done. You know, when she finally finishes her stint Madame Tussaud’s and has a little more free time. All that retiring can really keep a woman busy!
Bonus “If I Could Turn Back Time” video after the jump.
Several anonymous Transformers 2 crew members posted an open letter about Megan Fox on director Michael Bay’s official website — and they were, uh, less than complimentary, to say the least. The NY Daily News says
“We’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies,” read the letter, which was taken down from the site after being read by thousands of fans. “And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it’s very cringe-able.
Megan is the queen of… trailer trash and posing like a porn star… [and] a thankless, classless, graceless, unfriendly [bitch].”
Boy, that’s practically word-for-word the toast I used at my stepmom’s bridal shower. Except I closed with “And you’re not the fucking boss of me, Tina!” and slammed the door so hard a picture fell off the wall. I always like to aim for a strong finish.
At NY Fashion Week, plus bonus stills of her making out with Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body after the jump:
You know what? I get it. Megan Fox, you are gorgeous. Megan Fox, you are sexy. Megan Fox, you love having sex. Megan Fox, you love to pretend like you’re that nerdy sexy girl that makes every all the guys wet their collective shorts. But Megan Fox, you really suck at false modesty. Don’t go pretending like you think you could possibly look fat. Us Magazine says,
Megan Fox promises she’ll never be involved in a sex tape scandal. Why? She’ll never make one.
“Ugh, never!” the Jennifer’s Body star, 23, tells MTV News. “That’s the last thing I want to see — what I look like having sex. It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex.”
God, I hate her. She reminds me of those girls in high school who were so freakishly perfect, yet they needed constant reassurance that they were indeed perfect. Ugh. Stick a Twinkie in it, bitch.
Leaving Casa Del Mar Hotel in Santa Monica after a long press meeting, looking decidedly non-hippo-ish:
Megan Fox strikes a pose for Mariano Vivanco in the fourth anniversary issue of Wonderland magazine. Boy, someone was sure channeling her inner Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters in this shoot! Tell me, are you the keymaster? THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY ZUUL!! Mwah ha ha hah!
“During the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor”:
Megan Fox loved getting her lezzie on with costar Amanda Seyfried in the new Diablo Cody movie “Jennifer’s Body,” but Amanda was obviously intimidated by making out with someone so unbelievably hot and rife with raw insecurity sexuality. At least that’s the way Megan saw it. She told Us Magazine
“I felt more comfortable kissing [Amanda] in the movie than kissing any of the other people that I had to kiss. [But] I think she was extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think that — I know that. She was not comfortable and there was a lot of laughing — like, giggling fits that happened in between takes.
[But] I’m pretty sexy in it.”
Because God forbid anybody think anyone other than Megan Fox is sexy in this movie. Especially not Amanda Seyfried. Only Megan can be confident in her sexuality! That’s kind of her schtick, you know? So is being insipid, over-compensatory and one-dimensional — and I’m not just talking about Diablo Cody’s screenplay! Ba-dum chish!*
* That’s TWO in one day! I better go lay down now before I hurt myself.
If I’m ever going to wield my vision of an absolute gynocracy on an unsuspecting public, I’m going to need someone like Megan Fox in “Jennifer’s Body” to spearhead my campaign. Someone who has all the power of a soul-sucking demon, but still renders men helpless with the overwhelming desire to masturbate. Otherwise Hillary Clinton would be my obvious first choice.
