25-year-old “actress” (wink, wink) Megan Fox is reportedly pregnant with husband Brian Austin Green’s baby. The Daily Mail says:

A source [said]: ‘They just found out… It’s still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members.’

Megan and Brian, 38, are…. “so excited about the baby!”

The source went on to say, “Well… at least, I think Megan’s excited. It’s hard to tell. Her face never moved the whole time she was speaking. It’s fucking creepy, man. It’s like somebody wiped the Van Dyke off a V for Vendetta mask and mounted it on a cybertronic mannequin.”

Attempting realistic facial expressions on XM Satellite Radio yesterday:

Jalouse magazine somehow got their hands on a limited edition Megan Fox with realistic kung fu grip and swivel arm action, but I’m still holding out for one with a double-hinged jaw and 180 degree leg rotation. So long as it’s still in its original packaging.

The way Megan Fox’s face is looking these days, I’d have expect her to have “Mattel” imprinted on her ass. “Watertight” is not an adjective that should come to mind when looking at someone’s face.

At the Cinema Society & People StyleWatch with Grey Goose screening of “Friends With Kids”:

If there’s one thing we never have to worry about, it’s that Megan Fox doesn’t have enough foundation. Or dermal fillers. Or telescoping vertebrae in her neck.

Megan Fox isn’t posing for a photo shoot — this is just how she looks when she’s casually sitting on the beach. Bitch. I bet she doesn’t even sit down to use the fucking toilet. She probably pirouettes into the bathroom where a waiting flock of songbirds flies in to hold her aloft over the bowl so she doesn’t have to touch the seat with her bare behind. That’s assuming she even goes to the bathroom at all.

In Hawaii with husband Brian Austin Green:

The first of Giorgio Armani Holiday Makeup ads are out today, starring a dead-eyed and soulless Megan Fox that wouldn’t even make the cutting room floor at Madame Tussaud’s. It’s probably just as well. Enough concealer to cover the bags under your eyes, the cold sore on your mouth and the rugburn on your forehead is really all the “holiday makeup” a girl ever needs anyway.

A few more ads plus some of her and husband Brian Austin Green in L.A. earlier this month:

Rihanna has replaced Megan Fox as the face of Emporio Armani underwear, and the first of the new ads are out today. They’re okay, I guess. I probably would have liked them a whole lot better if they’d actually used Rihanna instead of her avatar.

Bonus non-Emporio-Armani-sanctioned photo of her sucking her thumb here:

Megan Fox told Amica magazine (click here for pics from the shoot) that she is currently undergoing laser treatments to remove the giant Marilyn Monroe portrait tattoo from her right forearm, but not because it’s ugly and stupid — because it evokes “negative energy” from the dead starlet herself. I guess nobody suggested the negative energy could actually be coming from starring in “Passion Play” and “Jonah Hex.” Us Magazine says:

“I’m removing it,” Fox says [of the tattoo. "Marilyn Monroe] was a negative person, she was disturbed, bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life.”

But the bombshell has nine other tattoos, including a quote in honor of her Passion Play costar Mickey Rourke on her ribcage, a tribal tattoo on her left wrist and another quote on her shoulder.

“Who knows, maybe I’ll remove the others too, but the laser hurts.”

But a shitty tattoo isn’t the only thing she’s had removed. She goes on to say:

“I [pierced by belly button] when I was 16-years-old because I was a fan of Britney Spears. The only time I tried to imitate someone else. But then I thought it was tacky and so I removed it when I turned 20.”

Yes, the naval piercing was the only time she tried to imitate anyone. The lip injections and cheek fillers had nothing to do with wanting to look like somebody else. Neither did the nose job. Those were just her ways of expressing her individuality and uniqueness.

With her “This is Forty” co-stars Chris O’Dowd and Jason Segal yesterday:

Actress and model (no, seriously) Kimberly Stewart gave birth to Benecio del Toro’s bastard child on Sunday. Page Six says:

Kimberly Stewart delivered her as-yet-unnamed daughter on the day of her 32nd birthday. The child weighed in at eight pounds nine ounces and was measured at 22 inches.

Her father and mother, Rod Stewart and first wife Alana Collins were present at the hospital, along with his current wife Penny Lancaster-Stewart.

Though first-time parents Kimberly Stewart and del Toro, 44, are not a couple, a rep for the star said he was “very supportive” [and] “looking forward to the arrival of the baby.”

At best, that kid’s gonna look like the Disney version of Quasimodo; at worst, like a baggy-eyed armadillo with dropsy. Back in olden times, they would have just sent it floating in a basket down a river and let natural selection work its magic.

Megan Fox in Amica magazine, because (see header image for details):

Megan Fox graces the cover and stars in a five-page pictorial inside the August issue of Elle China. It seems we weren’t the only ones under the impression that she was Asian now.

In an attempt to dispel those pesky plastic surgery rumors, Megan Fox posted a series of pictures of herself with forehead wrinkles on Facebook in an album entitled “Things You Can’t Do with Your Face when You Have Botox.” There’s surprised Megan, angry Megan, smug Megan and, um, Klingon Megan, I think. A more apt title for this album would have been “Things You Can’t Do When You’re Megan Fox: Act.”

That big fake trout pout is just itchin’ for some Preparation H:

These are supposed to be pictures of Megan Fox for Giorgio Armani Beauty’s 2011 campaign. Unfortunately, all I could find is this photo of nice Asian lady and what appeared to be a series of lovely oil paintings.