Here’s some random pictures of Italian-American model Melissa Satta in Spain. I could throw out some random facts about her, but that would just be beating around the bush and not talking about the proverbial elephant in the room. Or, in this case, the camel. You see then, my dilemma. It’s just one of the problems that face me in celebrity blogging, like finding a way to insert double entendres into posts. It’s an art form, really.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

This is Melissa Satta.  She’s one of those naked newscasters in some foreign place, like Italy or Jupiter or something.  She’s also dating some kind of sports-playing person, but I don’t know if it’s an Earthling athlete or a Jupiteranian one.  Anyway, here she is on some beach (possibly on Jupiter) wearing a teeny bikini (the better to show off her clichéd groin tattoos, dontcha know).  I’m not really sure why she’s wearing a scarf with a string bikini.  I think it might be a t-shirt tied around her neck.  What do you mean, why?  Maybe she was bitten by a vampire and she’s ashamed of people finding out she’s a sparkletard.  Maybe Jupiter is really cold… but like, only from the shoulders up, because maybe it has a really shallow atmosphere so your body is all warm and stuff but your head and neck are actually hovering in outer space so they’re freezing and shit.  How the hell should I know?  What do I look like, an astronomer?