Paula Abdul experienced another one of her infamous drug-free meltdowns at Los Angeles International Airport over the holidays. MSNBC quotes an eyewitness as saying

“[Paula] had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes… One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled ‘Poltergeist’ voice. She kept screaming three names over and over — Michael, Sidney and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

I’ve seen The DaVinci Code and National Treasure, so I know nonsensical gibberish is almost always a secret code or anagram. Which means — dun dun DUN — that Paula was trying to tell us something here. And then it occurred to me that the letters in the names “Michael,” “Sidney” and “Leslie” can be arranged to spell SMELLY INLAID CHEESE¹. Which obviously means that a bunch of Freemasons buried a secret message somewhere in a vat of stinky Limburger to protect the bloodline of the Christ. Of course, it could also mean that Paula hid all her Vicodin in Ziploc full of ricotta so none of those bastard airport leprechauns would steal from her again. It’s hard to know for sure without using the Fibonacci sequence or being completely batshit insane.

¹_{They can also be arranged to spell YE LEECH SMILE ISLAND}

Paula at the 9th Annual Family Television Awards Dinner last month:

Britney Spears’ meltdown last week has proven to be less of the “bipolar” variety and more of the little good ol’ fashioned “idiot self-sabatoge” kind. Female First says

A source [said] “Britney was mad she had to attend [last Thursday's] deposition when it was her day with the kids. She was supposed to give them back at 7pm but wanted to keep them for two extra hours. When they said no she pitched a fit and locked herself in the house.”

However, the deposition date [was] set for Thursday because Britney had failed to attend the day before. The scheduled deposition was set to begin at 9:45 a.m., but Britney did not arrive until 11:32 a.m. [Her] visitation rights for that day were from 12pm until 7pm and the deposition was held at a location just 15 minutes drive from her home, meaning she did not lose any of her allotted time with the boys.

So, basically, she threw a fit about something that never even happened and that would have been her fucking fault had it happened in the first place. Jesus H. That’s like firing off a couple of rounds in the top of your foot and then screaming and throttling the gun for blowing off your toes. And God knows you don’t get anywhere with a gun by yelling at it. If Britney really wanted to make her point, she should stand the gun upright and use the trigger as a foothold while she hops around on it like a pogo stick. That’d sure show Kevin Federline who’s boss!

Britney Spears checking into the Peninsula Hotel on Monday:

After screaming belligerently at the staff for hours on end, Britney Spears removed her own IV, packed up her crazy and checked herself out of Cedars-Sinai around 9:15 Saturday morning. And what’s even better than Lithium for treating Brit’s bipolar disorder? Why, booze, sillies! Four out of five doctors¹ recommend it! People magazine reports

The pop star, accompanied by Finalpixx photographer Adnan Ghalib since a few hours after her release, popped into the Daily Grill in Palm Desert around 10 a.m. Sunday. Spears shielded herself behind large, dark sunglasses and “had a champagne mimosa to drink,” says the restaurant’s manager. “She seemed in a really good mood, laughing with the guy she was with.”

She stayed at the restaurant about an hour.

Britney Spears is one shrubbery fort and a pair of incisors away from becoming this decade’s Margot Kidder. Minus the savoir-faire and quiet dignity, of course. But that’s where the booze comes into play. Nothing classes up a dame like a case of Natty Light or a nice handle of Kentucky Bourbon. That’s why they call it “Finishing School in a Bottle.” Or maybe that was “finish school and get off the goddamn bottle you insufferable disappointment.” It was sometimes hard to understand what my dad was saying over the sound of my own vomit.

¹_{Dr. Dre, Dr. No, Dr. Feelgood, and the Groove Doctors, respectively}

More of Britney in the ambulance Thursday night: