Kris Jenner is still convinced that there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that someone might believe that she and her family are not fame-whore, attention-grubbing boils on the asscheek of humanity. She writes in her memoir about the incident and how it affected her and Kim. Digital Spy says,

Kris Jenner has said that she “cried for days” over the release of daughter Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.

The 56-year-old claimed that she nearly fainted after Kardashian revealed that intimate footage of her with ex-boyfriend Ray J had been leaked.

“Hell, yes, it was dumb,” she wrote in her memoir Kris Jenner…And All Things Kardashian. “But she never did drugs, never even drank, never did anything that could prove embarrassing to her. I know for her to do something like that, completely sober, had to be an honest mistake.”

Jenner added that she desperately attempted to block the tape, but ultimately had to endure the “media firestorm” of its release.

“It was a horrible time for our family,” she said. “That kind of thing is devastating, embarrassing, expensive and draining. Kim and I cried for days.

“We were so upset and anxious. Kim knew she’d made a huge mistake and she had disappointed her family. She was so embarrassed that anyone saw her like that.”

If they cried over anything, it was tears of joy that they had found a way to shove Kim’s bulbous ass into the public eye (quite literally). They all know that they wouldn’t have their TV show or Kris wouldn’t have had a reason to write her piece of garbage memoir if it hadn’t been for the sex tape. I think it’s pretty rude to pretend otherwise. Don’t bite the sex tape that feeds you.

Kim as Poison Ivy for Halloween:

Dina Lohan is reportedly writing a memoir in which she reveals all about daughter Lindsay’s secrets and scandals and addictions, because why the hell else would you want to read it? Every good mother knows you have to sacrifice the cash cow once its metaphorical legs are broken. In a draft of a prologue for the memoir obtained by TMZ, Dina writes:

“I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living–and it tore me up inside.”

“How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone.”

Yes, what could possibly go wrong? I think your average teenager abandoned on the doorstep of the new Babylon with seven different lines of credit and an entourage of ass-kissers would choose a lifestyle of predictability and rote responsibility. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a story where a child actor left to his own devices didn’t turn out to be a resounding success later in life. It’s pretty obvious Dina did everything she could.

In her new memoir, “Miles to Go,” Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus claims she was bullied and mocked throughout her childhood by a group of girls she called “The Anti-Miley Club.” Us Weekly says

“[The girls] shoved me in [the school restroom],” she wrote in her book. “I was trapped. I banged on the door until my fists hurt. Nobody came. I spent what felt like an hour in there, waiting for someone to rescue me, wondering how my life had gotten so messed up.

Operation Make Miley Miserable was escalating to a new level. More like Operation Take Miley Down. Three girls strutted up and stood towering over me. My stomach churned. I clutched my grilled cheese sandwich like it was the hand of my best friend. It pretty much was my best friend those days. I was done for.

They started cussing me and telling me to get up. I sat there, frozen. I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t chicken. What could they do to me? I was surrounded by people. I stood up, still a foot shorter then they were, and said, ‘What’s your problem? What did I ever do to you?’”

The principal intervened before the brawl ensued, but not before they took a jab at her country-singing father, Billy Ray Cyrus.

“Classmates would say, ‘Your dad’s a one-hit wonder. You’ll never amount to anything — just like him,’” Miley wrote.

Oh, I call bullshit on this one. BULL-SHIT! Everybody knows that people from Tennessee don’t actually go to school. Fancy book-learnin’ don’t learn ya to play the fiddle or skin ya a possum proper-like. Less’un it’s moonshine or mountain dancin’, folks from Tennessee just ain’t got no use for it.

With her dog and her grandma outside a Disney radio station: