Has-been Tara Reid showed off her stunning physique in a metallic bikini in Miami over the weekend. And I mean “stunning” here in the most sarcastic way possible. Really, I could probably fashion a less disgusting set of thighs using nothing but warped VCR tapes and globs of partially-coagulated butterscotch pudding.

You’d think it’d be damn near impossible for Mena Suvari to ruin a thong bikini. It’s a thong, and it’s a bikini, for Chrissakes. A win-win. But then your eye gets pulled unwittingly upwards, and your brain forces your eyes to strain until you make out the words “Word… Sound… Power” tattooed there on her upper back. And before you can pull your gaze back where it belongs, you realize the insufferable “Word Sound Power” is actually tattooed beneath another tattoo… and this one is a portrait of a fucking lion. Mother of God. And then she turns around and she’s got either a fancy number three or some kind of larva transitioning into the pupa stage right there on her xiphoid process and you start hyperventilating until your mom brings you your inhaler and makes you zip up your pants. Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you do in your spare time, loser! Just like God and the Bush administration, I see everything!

Don’t be afraid, dear readers — that babushka in the big glasses doesn’t want to make a hearty stew of your children. That’s because the crone pictured above is none other than actress Kate Hudson on vacation in Miami. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how do I know that’s not really a Yugoslavian fishwife disguised as Kate Hudson? It sure looks like a Yugoslavian fishwife. The trick here is the ass. If the ass looks like it belongs under a rainbow nestled on a cushion of rose petals surrounded by doe-eyed forest creatures, it’s Kate Hudson. If it looks like sourdough starter that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer and stretched a good city block, then it’s an Eastern Bloc ogress. Feel free to write this down to keep in your wallet for reference in emergencies.

More ass-tastic Kate yesterday: