Paraguayan model Claudia Galanti and and her friends, Venezuelan and Spanish models Aida Yespica and Natalie Bush can spend their holiday weekend tanning their asscheeks in Miami, and people take pictures. If I happen to want to skip the  questions from mom about “when I’m going to quit whoring around, get married and start having kids” or “isn’t that a violation of your probation” and spend my holiday weekend tanning my asscheeks, I get nasty remarks. And not just from my relatives. Parents get all uppity when I happen to lay out in the sand in the playground in my g-string.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I was thinking to myself as I uploaded these pics, “I couldn’t pick Whitney Port out of a lineup if you paid me.” And then I remembered “Wait, they do pay me.” My bust. Maybe if she would try harder to be attractive or interesting or talented. Then I’d remember who she was. A bikini is as a good start as any, but she’s still gonna have to meet me halfway here.

On the beach in Miami on Saturday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

With everyone else in the world flocking to Cannes this week, it’s good to know that you can still see a celebrity can Stateside if you just traipse around Miami. I’d like to personally thank Ciara and her bikini, without whom obtuse and heavy-handed double entendres like these would have never been possible. Please direct all hate mail thusly.

With rumored boyfriend Knicks player Amar’e Stoudemire yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Tennis ace Serena Williams had a blood clot the size of a grapefruit removed from her lung back in February, so I wouldn’t feel right saying something mean about the way she looks right now. Instead, I’ll just pose the following two rhetorical questions to you: 1) When did King Kong start wearing bikinis? and 2) How am I supposed to finish breakfast now?

In Miami with friends this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

He was once the leader of the free world; she’s that chick who put a blob of cum in her hair in “There’s Something About Mary.” So it makes total sense that Bill Clinton and Cameron Diaz would be having dinner together. I think the real question is, why wouldn’t they?

Cammie and Bill with her boyfriend A-Rod in South Beach yesterday (more after the jump):

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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As an apology for the lack of posts/vanishing posts/demon-possessed posts/every single one of Jack Black’s movies, I’d like to offer you these pics of a hot chick in a bikini. No need to look at ‘em up close or anything. Then you might realize that the face attached to the hot chick in a bikini actually belongs to Chloe Sevigny. Then it’s like you just found a short curly hair in the bottom of the ice cream sundae I made you, and that’s not a very good present at all. Sorta defeats the whole purpose.

In Miami this week (more after the jump):

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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The second season of “Jersey Shore” is in full swing in Miami, and I know you’re dying to see what kind of new shennanigans The Situation, Snooki, the one with the big fake tits and the rest are gonna wind up in this time around. Let’s just reach into MTV’s hat of hackneyed cliches and predictable stereotypes here and pull one out — okay, let’s see… ooh, it’s a fight! While they’re drinking! This is all so unexpected! Us Magazine says

The MTV reality star was doing shots with Jenni “JWoww” Farley at Ocean’s 10 bar in Miami Saturday when a man approached her.

“This particular guy was obviously interested and she wasn’t,” a witness [said]. “She told him, ‘Don’t [fuck] with me’ so he snatched her drink and walked off.”

Snooki [then] threw a handful of food at the guy, and then slapped him on his shoulder and his face — before tossing a plastic cup at him.

The guy retaliated by dumping his own drink all over Snooki. Jwoww ran over screaming “What the [fuck] happened?” as security threw him out.

MTV cameras caught everything on tape.

Jesus, what a load of bullshit. The day the Snooki turns down unsolicited male attention is the day I take up smelting and sobriety. That fight was so fucking scripted Diablo Cody could have written it.

Don’t adjust your screen — their skin is supposed to be that color:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Has-been Tara Reid showed off her stunning physique in a metallic bikini in Miami over the weekend. And I mean “stunning” here in the most sarcastic way possible. Really, I could probably fashion a less disgusting set of thighs using nothing but warped VCR tapes and globs of partially-coagulated butterscotch pudding.

You’d think it’d be damn near impossible for Mena Suvari to ruin a thong bikini. It’s a thong, and it’s a bikini, for Chrissakes. A win-win. But then your eye gets pulled unwittingly upwards, and your brain forces your eyes to strain until you make out the words “Word… Sound… Power” tattooed there on her upper back. And before you can pull your gaze back where it belongs, you realize the insufferable “Word Sound Power” is actually tattooed beneath another tattoo… and this one is a portrait of a fucking lion. Mother of God. And then she turns around and she’s got either a fancy number three or some kind of larva transitioning into the pupa stage right there on her xiphoid process and you start hyperventilating until your mom brings you your inhaler and makes you zip up your pants. Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you do in your spare time, loser! Just like God and the Bush administration, I see everything!

Don’t be afraid, dear readers — that babushka in the big glasses doesn’t want to make a hearty stew of your children. That’s because the crone pictured above is none other than actress Kate Hudson on vacation in Miami. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how do I know that’s not really a Yugoslavian fishwife disguised as Kate Hudson? It sure looks like a Yugoslavian fishwife. The trick here is the ass. If the ass looks like it belongs under a rainbow nestled on a cushion of rose petals surrounded by doe-eyed forest creatures, it’s Kate Hudson. If it looks like sourdough starter that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer and stretched a good city block, then it’s an Eastern Bloc ogress. Feel free to write this down to keep in your wallet for reference in emergencies.

More ass-tastic Kate yesterday: