Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan was arrested for the second time in less than a week after he violated the restraining order obtained by ex-girlfriend Kate Major for knocking her around when she refused to give him a blowjob. Oh, but wait — there’s more! When the cops showed up, he tried to escape his hotel room by jumping off a 3rd-story balcony into a fucking tree. TMZ says:

Tampa police responded to a call early this morning from Kate, who claimed Michael had been trying to contact her by phone and wouldn’t leave her alone.

Officers interviewed Kate at her apartment after she made the call — the same apartment where Michael allegedly bruised her up earlier this week — and while they were there, Michael allegedly called again.

Officers believed Michael was a “threat,” so they rolled up to his hotel to arrest him…. but Michael tried to escape by hopping his 3rd story balcony but fell 34 feet to the ground, crashing onto some wooden chairs, and then he tried to hide in some trees.

After officers pulled him down, Michael was placed under arrest for violating a condition of his pretrial release and resisting arrest without violence.

In the last week, Lindsay Lohan’s mother has shopped around a tell-all book about her and her father’s been arrested twice, and Lindsay’s been taking off her clothes for money because she can’t afford her lifestyle or the drug habit that’s aging her at an exponential rate. It’s all just so fucking sad, man. It’s like a Shakespearean tragedy, except set in New Jersey trailer park.

The couple in happier, blow-jobbier times:

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael was arrested last night after beating up his new girlfriend. TMZ says:

Lohan’s girlfriend filed a report with the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department claiming they got into an argument that turned physical… and she had some visible marking from the alleged incident.

Cops went out and tracked down Lohan — and arrested him on suspicion of domestic violence.

Lohan will be charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment, preventing the reporting of victimization.

I hope his girlfriend got a couple of slaps in for his jeans being so goddamn tight. Seriously, what the hell? And don’t lets forget the understated elegance and panache that a muscle shirt brings to the table. It’s a look only an out-of-work porn star circa 1982 could love.

Lindsay at JFK with her mother last week:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan has sicced her attorneys on her father in an attempt to prevent him from capitalizing on her innermost thoughts and secrets. Radar Online says:

The troubled starlet has fired off a scathing and threatening cease and desist letter to her dad, ordering him to stop selling her personal property.

At the center of the legal spat is Lindsay’s private diary entries she wrote while in drug rehabilitation at Cirque Lodge in Utah in 2007.

The legal letter says she had no idea her father had the diary and she did not give him permission to sell or distribute it.

The lawyer warned that if Michael tried to sell the diary or any other of Lindsay’s personal belongings, Lindsay would exercise all her legal rights and seek damages for a “grave invasion of privacy.”

I always though my dad was embarrassing growing up, but it was more along the lines of black-socks-with-tennis-shoes kind of embarrassing. This isn’t even in the same fucking ballpark. He would have never pilfered my diary and attempted to read it to the entire world so he could turn a quick buck. But that’s because he can still see his reflection in a mirror and doesn’t burst into flames at the sight of a Cross of the Holy Father Benedict. Lindsay should just be glad the “pull down her pants in front of the entire middle school for twenty bucks” ship already sailed ten years ago.

Pics from the Vanity Fair interview Sonya told you about yesterday, plus a couple of her last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Vanity Fair

Stop me if you’ve heard this one — while Michael Lohan’s fiancée was busy filing a restraining order against him for alleged domestic assault, Michael was releasing secret recordings of phone conversations he had with her to prove she what a f*cking fake using whore gold-digger c*nt bitch she is. Remind me to never move to L.A. Radar Online says:

Kate Major, former magazine reporter and one-time Jon Gosselin gal pal, filed for an order of protection against Lindsay Lohan’s father after she told police he shoved her and kicked her in the face during an argument.

Major has claimed she has photographic evidence and hospital records supporting her version of events after the alleged brawl.

But Lohan turned on Major and threatened retribution against his ex-fiancée the only was he knows how — with audio tapes. The Lohan patriarch said he planned to release [secret] recordings detailing Major’s “legal and personal issues.”

“Because of Kate’s behavior and false claims, I am going to release a statement and only the first of many pictures of Kate (obliterated) as well as the first of multiple recordings,” Lohan [said].

[In return], Major’s camp is suggesting Lohan, a sobriety campaigner and the chief critic of Lindsay’s battles with booze and drugs, has fallen of the wagon. “He tried to hide the drinking,” said one of Major’s pals.

This is a little shocking, because you’d think a man who’d wear a mesh t-shirt out in public would be able to handle personal issues with dignity and poise. Nothing says responsibility like open-weave marquisette polyester. That’s why I wear my fishnet pants to all job interviews and PTA functions.

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael and two armed police officers barged into her L.A. apartment yesterday as part of an intervention and welfare check at Michael’s request on his youngest daughter, Ali, who has been staying with Lindsay for the last two weeks. Thanks, California tax payers! That’s your tax dollars hard at work right there. Us Magazine says

Michael [says] that he was worried about Ali after hearing she drove home “at 115 miles an hour” from the Coachella music festival this weekend with Lindsay.

“I went to the police department concerned about Ali’s welfare,” Michael says. “I wanted to check on Ali. I want to make sure she’s OK. She’s 16 and she doesn’t belong there! She’s a minor. Ali is being exposed to nightlife and the people Lindsay is surrounding herself with,” Michael continues.

Michael says he’s meeting with Lindsay’s attorney’s today to consider getting a conservatorship, similar to Britney Spears and Jamie Spears.

But of course mom Dina Lohan has to get her two coked-out cents in, telling the media that Michael didn’t even recognize his younger daughter upon entering the apartment. According to Radar Online

“Michael walked into the apartment looked right at Ali and said, I’m looking for my daughter Ali, is she here?” Dina [said].

“That’s from Ali’s lips to God’s ears. He didn’t even recognize his own daughter. That’s what she told me he said when he walked in there and saw her.”

“I’m petrified for my girls and their safety. My girls are so afraid of him, I’ve had an order of protection place since 2005. They are so afraid for their lives. My ex-husband is dangerous.”

I’m pretty sure that nothing from a Lohan’s lips ever makes it to God’s ears, but don’t try telling her that. And besides, who needs God when you’ve got Twitter, right? Lindsay tweeted:

i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister’s safety, as well as my own, “my ex-dad” just WALKED INTO MY APT like the devil’s advocate with officers.

my BUILDING didn’t STOP him, isn’t it supposed to be safe? it coulda been FAKE cops! dressed up!when will it ever end… it’s been going on my whole life with him-hasn’t he caused enough pain ?

the only one in need of police protection here is ME AND ALI from our pathological, lying ex-father!

my mother is AMAZING! not ANYTHING like what Michael is saying. W/out her, i wouldn’t of been able to follow my dreams and be as strong as i am today.

my friend @lianalevi doesn’t drive 100mph!! my dad is the one who drove into a telephone pole!!!! hello! i’m not up ALL NIGHT!!! stop lying!

at least i can laugh at my ex-con father anyone care to join in on the laughter avec moi?? hehe

pathological liar- a person who lies to the point of it being considered a disease or condition, an abnormally habitual liar = MY FATHER

I’m not surprised he didn’t recognize Ali, because since she’s started hanging around with Lindsay, she looks like a 35-year old divorcee with gout. All I know is if the military could somehow get its hands on whatever toxic forcefield it is that Lindsay Lohan creates, we’d have a bioweapon so powerful that all our enemies would once again fear us. We might not be able to nuke you, but we’ve still got Lindsay Lohan and her poison vagina! Mwah ha ha ha!

Lindsay Lohan’s probationary status from her 2007 DUI conviction is being reviewed in court today, and while she won’t be there, her father will, because he wants the media attention the judge to throw her ass in rehab. According to Radar Online

Michael Lohan is hoping to [convince] the judge overseeing Lindsay’s case at her status hearing on Thursday [that she needs to go into rehab for at least three months].

Lohan [said], “The last time she was in court the judge should have drug tested her. If she had, I know Lindsay would have come up dirty and she would have been thrown into rehab.

My daughter needs rehab for at least 3 months. Let’s face it, there are pictures of her out there… of her drinking and taking pills in public. If you’re on probation, is that what the system approves of?”

[He appealed to Lindsay personally, saying directly into the camera], “This is about you getting well, you getting healthy, me loving you and wanting you to do the right thing. The prescription drugs are killing you.”

Thank goodness for dads like Michael Lohan — the kind that have the foresight to either abandon their children so they can diddle the secretary or whore their kiddies out because they can’t hold down a full-time job. It’s not like you and four of your buddies can airtight a girl whose daddy loved her and gave her guidance and direction all her life. I think the porn industry owes you a heart-felt thank you, Mike!

Drunk and leaving a club in London:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

HAHAHA!  It’s been awhile since we’ve had any news on the LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!! front, but oh man, this is hilarious.  Apparently, Lindsay Lohan is a “secret celebrity hoarder.”  When I saw this headline in Us, I got super duper excited because I thought it meant LiLo would be on the crazy addictive (and just plain crazy) A&E show “Hoarders”, but it turns out she’s just appearing on “The Insider” with Niecy Nash, who also hosts that “Clean House” show.  Whatever.  I’m disappointed, yet still vastly amused.

Is Lindsay Lohan a secret celebrity hoarder?

“I just need to get rid of … stuff,” the 23-year-old star says in a teaser for an exclusive interview on The Insider. “That’s personal stuff that I have to work on.”

That “stuff” has apparently taken over the actress’ home. According to The Insider, her bedroom has turned into a warehouse of shoes and her living room is filled with clutter, including racks upon racks of clothes.

In the interview, set to air Thursday, Niecy Nash — host of the Style Network’s Clean House reality show — has a sit-down with Lohan, who may be using hoarding as a coping mechanism for the estranged relationship she has with her father, Michael Lohan.

“It’s kind of a sore subject,” she says in the teaser, which promises to reveal her “private pain” for the very first time.

Yeah, her house is kind of a hot mess, but I’ve seen “Hoarders” about a hundred times so I ain’t impressed.  I don’t even see any dead animals or piles of rotting food, and that preview clip didn’t show Lindsay pitching a fit and crying because someone was trying to throw away an old Taco Bell cup or a tampon receipt from 1993 or anything.  It basically just looks like her house is stuffed to the rafters with (most likely stolen) designer merchandise, and she’s pretending like it’s all because of her jackass father and his mesh shirts.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Lindsay Lohan isn’t nearly insane enough for real, hardcore hoarding.  Your hoarding is minor league, Lohan.  You’ll never make it to The Show without at least one cat skeleton and a rodent infestation.

It’s just another day of crime-fighting for Superdad Michael Lohan! I’m assuming he’s trying to prove that he really isn’t the world’s worst dad alive by fighting Lindsay-imposters on Twitter.  Says Digital Spy,

According to WENN, the father of Mean Girls star Lindsay is reportedly fed up with people pretending to be her on the social networking website.

His first tweet on Sunday read: “This is the Real Michael Lohan – all others who pretend to be me are frauds. Upon my attorney’s advice, I have opened this account.”

In order to convince any remaining skeptics, Michael then posted a photo of himself holding a sign that stated his name.

He has already begun going after the online hoaxers, sending a message to one fake Lindsay that read: “Don’t know who you are but my attorneys and Twitter will find out. You’re looking at civil and criminal charges shortly.”

My god, is he embarrassing or what? But I don’t know which is more pathetic–that he’s threatening to bring the fuzz on some idiots having a little harmless fun, or that he thinks someone would want to pretend to be him.

More of Michael Lohan’s phone tapes were released this week containing a conversation between him and ex-wife Dina in which she claims that daughter Lindsay was secretly dating Heath Ledger when he died. Radar Online says

In the recorded audio tape of a phone conversation between Dina and Michael Lohan, Dina says, “She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends, very very close, ok? [His death really] f—d her up.”

Dina told Michael about the relationship because she was afraid for Lindsay’s life too: “When she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it [I'm afraid] she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking,” adding, “She cannot be alone… [she's an] irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she’s got wrong with her.”

Well, Heath Ledger’s overdose is starting to make a lot more sense now. You could jack off a hairless chihuahua in front of your grandmother while taking it up the ass from a fat guy in a gimp mask and still not experience as much shame as you would after spending the night with Lindsay Lohan. I’m actually surprised that Ryan Adams, Benicio del Toro, Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brett Ratner, Brody Jenner, Stavros Niarchos, Jamie Burke, Harry Judd, Hayden Christensen, Harry Morton, Rhys Ifans, Calum Best, Johnny Knoxville, Jared Leto, Wilmer Valderrama, Shaun White, Jude Law, Sean Penn, Gerard Butler, Ben Holz, Tony Allen and various others haven’t taken their own lives yet. I guess being drunk to the point of blackout helps you convince yourself it never happened.

Michael Lohan claims to have numerous phone tapes and messages left by ex-wife Dina that prove that daughter Lindsay is an out-of-control drug addict, and he’s going to be releasing them to the media next week. According to the NY Daily News

“I have proof that Dina has told me Lindsay is on death’s doorstep, that she doesn’t have much time left. There have been frantic calls. And I’m going to prove that Dina is the liar, not me.”

The whole world is about to hear it: A source confirms that Michael is set to air the numerous voice-mail messages she’s left on Monday’s “Entertainment Tonight.”

“She has expressed to me that Lindsay is in dire, dire need of an intervention,” Michael said. “My lawyers told me to keep every single conversation – and I did.”

Who exactly is he trying to convince she’s an addict with all this? It’s not like the rest of the goddamn world doesn’t already know. If he really wants to reach his daughter, blathering on Maury and Entertainment Tonight isn’t going to cut it. He needs to put his message about knee-level in an L.A. nightclub’s men’s bathroom or on the bottom of a bottle of vodka. It’s the only way she’ll ever see it.

Leaving — you guessed it! — an L.A. nightclub last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael did what any good father fearing for his daughter’s well-being would do yesterday — he went on the Maury Povich show to talk about what a used-up dead-inside whore she is. If only more dads would follow in his footsteps! TMZ says

First Mike called Lindsay a “hollow person” … then claimed there was “nothing left in her” — and finally said he “couldn’t even look at her.”

The show was called “You’re 14 … Stop Lap Dancing and Trying to Get Pregnant.”

You just can’t beat Maury Povich for a good episode title. Just for fun, I made a little test to gauge your Povich-prowess. Only three of the following ten episode titles are made up. The rest are all too real. See if you can guess which ones are the fakes! Answers after the jump.

10. Can You Save Me? I Am Terrified of Cotton Balls and Frogs!

9. I’ve Had Plastic Surgery 60 Times… I Want More

8. My Fiancee Needs to Know… I’m a Bisexual Elvis-Impersonator!

7. Shot In The Face And Set On Fire…I’m Lucky To Be Alive

6. I’m an Overweight Teen with Parkinson’s and I Won’t Stop Having Sex

5. 36 Men Tested… I’ll Prove You’re The Father Today

4. My 5 Year Old Weighs 212 Pounds

3. Violent Teen Girls Who Beat Their Families…Caught on Tape!

2. I Need to Tell You… I Was Born with Both Male and Female Genitalia

1. My Fear of Mustard and Pickles is Ruining My Life

Lindsay showing off a new tattoo last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

(more…)

Since court-ordered paternal conservatorship worked out so well for Britney Spears, Michael Lohan is hoping he’ll be able to rehabilitate daughter Lindsay through the magic of the California legal system. But if the courts won’t give him control of her estate, it’s not going to stop him from saving her the only way he knows how: a class B felony. According to MSNBC

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan [said]. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

Not if Lindsay Lohan gets her way. LiLo plans to file a restraining order to keep her estranged dad far outside of kidnapping range.

“[My ex-wife] Dina is the one that told her to get a restraining order,” Michael Lohan said. “But you know what? I’m still going to try to do everything to get Lindsay better.”

And if kidnapping and forcibly institutionalizing her doesn’t work, he could always hook her up to a car battery and electroshock her straight himself. You don’t win Father of the Year without being a hands-on kind of dad, my father always used to say! Mostly while he was beating us with a roll of seat belt or the bag of oranges he kept in the freezer.

Leaving a hair salon in L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News