More of Michael Lohan’s phone tapes were released this week containing a conversation between him and ex-wife Dina in which she claims that daughter Lindsay was secretly dating Heath Ledger when he died. Radar Online says

In the recorded audio tape of a phone conversation between Dina and Michael Lohan, Dina says, “She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends, very very close, ok? [His death really] f—d her up.”

Dina told Michael about the relationship because she was afraid for Lindsay’s life too: “When she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it [I'm afraid] she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking,” adding, “She cannot be alone… [she's an] irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she’s got wrong with her.”

Well, Heath Ledger’s overdose is starting to make a lot more sense now. You could jack off a hairless chihuahua in front of your grandmother while taking it up the ass from a fat guy in a gimp mask and still not experience as much shame as you would after spending the night with Lindsay Lohan. I’m actually surprised that Ryan Adams, Benicio del Toro, Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brett Ratner, Brody Jenner, Stavros Niarchos, Jamie Burke, Harry Judd, Hayden Christensen, Harry Morton, Rhys Ifans, Calum Best, Johnny Knoxville, Jared Leto, Wilmer Valderrama, Shaun White, Jude Law, Sean Penn, Gerard Butler, Ben Holz, Tony Allen and various others haven’t taken their own lives yet. I guess being drunk to the point of blackout helps you convince yourself it never happened.

Michael Lohan claims to have numerous phone tapes and messages left by ex-wife Dina that prove that daughter Lindsay is an out-of-control drug addict, and he’s going to be releasing them to the media next week. According to the NY Daily News

“I have proof that Dina has told me Lindsay is on death’s doorstep, that she doesn’t have much time left. There have been frantic calls. And I’m going to prove that Dina is the liar, not me.”

The whole world is about to hear it: A source confirms that Michael is set to air the numerous voice-mail messages she’s left on Monday’s “Entertainment Tonight.”

“She has expressed to me that Lindsay is in dire, dire need of an intervention,” Michael said. “My lawyers told me to keep every single conversation - and I did.”

Who exactly is he trying to convince she’s an addict with all this? It’s not like the rest of the goddamn world doesn’t already know. If he really wants to reach his daughter, blathering on Maury and Entertainment Tonight isn’t going to cut it. He needs to put his message about knee-level in an L.A. nightclub’s men’s bathroom or on the bottom of a bottle of vodka. It’s the only way she’ll ever see it.

Leaving — you guessed it! — an L.A. nightclub last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael did what any good father fearing for his daughter’s well-being would do yesterday — he went on the Maury Povich show to talk about what a used-up dead-inside whore she is. If only more dads would follow in his footsteps! TMZ says

First Mike called Lindsay a “hollow person” … then claimed there was “nothing left in her” — and finally said he “couldn’t even look at her.”

The show was called “You’re 14 … Stop Lap Dancing and Trying to Get Pregnant.”

You just can’t beat Maury Povich for a good episode title. Just for fun, I made a little test to gauge your Povich-prowess. Only three of the following ten episode titles are made up. The rest are all too real. See if you can guess which ones are the fakes! Answers after the jump.

10. Can You Save Me? I Am Terrified of Cotton Balls and Frogs!

9. I’ve Had Plastic Surgery 60 Times… I Want More

8. My Fiancee Needs to Know… I’m a Bisexual Elvis-Impersonator!

7. Shot In The Face And Set On Fire…I’m Lucky To Be Alive

6. I’m an Overweight Teen with Parkinson’s and I Won’t Stop Having Sex

5. 36 Men Tested… I’ll Prove You’re The Father Today

4. My 5 Year Old Weighs 212 Pounds

3. Violent Teen Girls Who Beat Their Families…Caught on Tape!

2. I Need to Tell You… I Was Born with Both Male and Female Genitalia

1. My Fear of Mustard and Pickles is Ruining My Life

Lindsay showing off a new tattoo last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Since court-ordered paternal conservatorship worked out so well for Britney Spears, Michael Lohan is hoping he’ll be able to rehabilitate daughter Lindsay through the magic of the California legal system. But if the courts won’t give him control of her estate, it’s not going to stop him from saving her the only way he knows how: a class B felony. According to MSNBC

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan [said]. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

Not if Lindsay Lohan gets her way. LiLo plans to file a restraining order to keep her estranged dad far outside of kidnapping range.

“[My ex-wife] Dina is the one that told her to get a restraining order,” Michael Lohan said. “But you know what? I’m still going to try to do everything to get Lindsay better.”

And if kidnapping and forcibly institutionalizing her doesn’t work, he could always hook her up to a car battery and electroshock her straight himself. You don’t win Father of the Year without being a hands-on kind of dad, my father always used to say! Mostly while he was beating us with a roll of seat belt or the bag of oranges he kept in the freezer.

Leaving a hair salon in L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It’s not the first time Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has spoken out about his daughter’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson — but this is the first time he’s asked for your help. He wrote on his website

After seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn. SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?

Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

His clever use of the capitalized “man” in Samantha certainly lends an air of credibility to his post. You know, because she’s a lesbian and really ugly and all and the word “man” is hidden in her name. The pen truly is mightier than the sword! That’s why I used one to draw mustaches and wieners on all the pictures of my ex-husband’s business cards. Michael and I like to refer to that as “taking the high road.”

Lindsay’s new ad campaign for Fornarina:

Ashely Kaufmann is indeed Lindsay Lohan’s bastard sister, according to a post La Lohan put up on her Myspace on Wednesday:

my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Daddy of the Year Michael Lohan has consequently denied his daughter’s claim, writing in an e-mail to People magazine that he believes there is a “99 percent chance” Lohan’s MySpace message was actually written by her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and not by Lindsay at all. So what we have here is yet another series of evil schemes orchestrated by family under the guise of holiday togetherness. Just like our “Christmas Eve dinner” that was actually a staged intervention or the “after-market ignition enhancer” that turned out to be a car breathalyzer. Lies, all of it!

Lindsay and Sam shopping on Melrose Avenue:

First off, Lindsay Lohan turned down Playboy.  From Page Six:

IT’S once nude, twice shy for Lindsay Lohan. The Sapphic-leaning star has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page topless spread in Playboy’s 55th-anniversary issue this January. “If there’s nudity, then the answer’s no . . . She’s not going down the [New York] magazine road again,” Lohan’s rep told Playboy’s creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay’s naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to ’60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film “Kitten With a Whip,” which is one of Lohan’s faves.

Well, naturally.  Lindsay gets naked for free at least a couple times a year, so of course it would be totally beneath her to get paid nearly three quarters of a million dollars to go topless.  Her boobs are not for public display!  That’s why she never wears a bra, and favours saggy baggy tank tops so she’s always hanging out all over the place.  When she’s feeling especially demure, she wears clingy see-through stuff.  She is KLASSY, and she don’t need no stinking Playboy!

In other news, La Lohan may or may not be on speaking terms again with her trashtastic father.  That’s what he says anyway, and he’s SUCH a font of truth and reliability.  Michael Lohan has recently been spending his time talking smack about Samantha Ronson and yammering about how he still wants a stupid show, and then his father died.  Lindsay skipped the wake, but Dear Old Daddy seems to think this was maybe just a scheduling conflict or something, and says she’s totally gonna be at the burial.  From E! News:

While devastating, the elder Lohan said the passing of his 73-year-old father has brought his family closer together, and while Lindsay was not present for her grandpa’s funeral, she will be present for the final service.

“She is going to be at the burial,” Lohan told E! News. “All my kids will be there.”

I guess that could theoretically happen.  I mean, anything’s possible.  For example, Lindsay’s dad actually said something nice about Lindsay’s mother:

“And I can’t believe how great Dina has been,” he said of his ex-wife. “She has been wonderful. She has been the woman I married. She has been great.”

Whatever.  Dina Lohan is a famewhoring, stage mothering beast, and Michael Lohan is a famewhoring, badmouthing lunatic.  They turned Lindsay into a drunk, needy slut and Ali’s so used up she looks like she has Progeria.  Those girls would have been better off being wards of the state.

Michael Lohan once again suckled at the media teat to get his name front and center in the tabloids, telling E! Online that Samantha Ronson is dating daughter Lindsay purely to boost her own fame after it was revealed that Sam was planning to write a “tell-all” about her life. The Sun says

Michael said: “I’ve shut up about this long enough. Samantha is using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some DJ. And now she’s writing a book? Let’s just say I hope Lindsay starts opening her eyes and realizes who the people using her are.”

Michael also accuses Sam of reintroducing Lindsay to booze,… [saying] “Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife Dina knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it.”

Not to be outdone, Samantha posted the following on her official blog:

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?”

Lindsay’s response to the allegations? She told Access Hollywood last night

“He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.”

and posted the following on her MySpace account:

DRUG FREE
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.

This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item. I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on… I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’re officially a sadist with self-destructive tendencies. I suggest lots of booze and a two hour session in the dungeon with your balls under the spiked heel of Mistress Severina. Flagellating your own genitals and burning your forearms with cigarettes is optional but not required.

Lunching someplace other than the Y with their mothers August 24th:

Meet Michael Lohan’s bastard kid Ashley Kaufmann, the product of an affair with 44-year-old massage therapist Kristi Kaufmann back in 1995 when he and ex-wife Dina “were on a break.” But is she really his? The NY Daily News says

The resemblance is striking. From her freckles to her smile, Ashley certainly looks like a member of the Lohan family. “I’ve seen pictures and, to tell the truth, there are similarities with Linds,” Michael Lohan [said] last week.

[But] Lohan has gone so far as to say he will sue Kaufmann for libel and defamation if the [DNA] test results come back negative that he is Ashley’s father.

Well, I’d say chances are pretty good that she’s a Lohan, because she’s already pursuing a music career. According to MSNBC

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal.

A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.”

My mentally challenged cousin’s left testicle has more talent than Lindsay or Ali, so that’s not saying much. No, really. You should hear its rendition of “Ave Maria.” I think the only word to describe it is “stirring.” It doesn’t so much “sing” as get wiggled up and down while George screeches in butchered Italian with his pants down, but it’s still 95% more tolerable than another Lohan album. Some industry people are already looking into it.

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael is furiously back-pedaling after telling Us Weekly that his daughter’s rumored lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson was “evident to anyone with half a brain.” He claims his comments were taken out of context, telling the NY Daily News:

“[In regards to the comment], I was talking about what Dina’s show is all about, but they left that part off. I was saying that it’s evident the show is not… about Ali, it’s about Dina.

[As far as Lindsay and Samantha are concerned, I do] not know if the two are having a relationship and [I have] not asked [her] about it. Lindsay’s life choices are up to her.”

Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes.

The pictures Michael was referencing from that night in Cannes:

When he’s not suing his ex-wife for rights to their child’s reality show or taking in a beaver show, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael is busy telling the tabloids all about his daughter’s future mission trips to India. Except Lindsay isn’t actually going to India. The NY Daily News says

It was almost a great story!

[Michael told us], “Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims. [Lindsay] has made it clear she definitely wants to come along.”

Fantastic, right?

Unfortunately, says her rep, “per Lindsay, this isn’t true.”

Either Michael Lohan is an attention-grubbing liar desperate for tabloid press, or Lindsay somehow found out that “ulcerative colitis” wasn’t a fruity cocktail served with a tiny umbrella. Narsinghgarh? Nagapattinam? No thanks!

Lindsay at Joan’s on Third April 11th: