I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed their time off! I know I did. Typing with your face is really hard and barf makes all the keys stick together, so posting hungover is never really an option for me.

And speaking of barf — gold medalist Michael Phelps is so serious about his new girlfriend Caroline Pal that he took her home to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And just who is this princess who’s captured his heart? People Magazine reveals

Pal [is] a waitress at the Palms Casino Resort’s Moon Nightclub.

The Olympic champ has been dating Pal, 26, for about two months. The two met after his record-setting performance in Beijing last summer.

Nothing like a family holiday where drinking is encouraged to test the fortitude of one’s new relationship. Especially if the new girl you’re debuting is some skank whose only talents seem to be “too ugly to be a showgirl” and “possibly a distant cousin of Tila Tequila.”

All class:

Good thing they don’t give out medals for ass-banditry, because fourteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps would have snagged another gold for snatching up a hot piece of Carrie Underwood. The Enquirer says

Michael was over the moon after hearing a rumor that the one-time American Idol thinks he is “cute.” According to celebrity tattles on-site at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, the twentysomethings are frequently texting each other and have already begun planning a “quiet first date” near Carrie’s home in Nashville, Tennessee.

The 23-year-old athlete told Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

You wanna know what does make a really good impression on a first date? Home video of that time you danced Agamemnon at Jacob’s Pillow. Gets you to third every time. Wait, “third” is still “masturbating alone with your mom’s Cosmopolitan,” right? Yeah, third base, every time. Guaranteed.

In all his Olympic glory, for Laura:

Human dolphin Michael Phelps might have more gold medals than God and the adoration of the entire nation, but he’s not good enough for former women’s breaststroke champion Amanda Beard. She went on “Johnjay and Rich in the Morning” yesterday to let the public know just how physically repulsive she found our golden boy. According to MSNBC

“C’mon, I have really good taste,” she told the radio hosts. “He’s not really my type, personally.” Laughing, she added, “I go for a little bit different-looking guys.” When asked if she ever kissed Michael, Amanda answered, “Ew, no!” Held hands? “Ew, no! Not even that.” Even the mere suggestion that Michael might be attracted to her inspired an “ew-that’s-so-nasty” response.

Amanda Beard has won a whopping seven medals in her lifetime, only two of which were gold, and she didn’t even qualify for the semifinals in Beijing. Michael Phelps, on the other hand, won eight gold medals in Beijing for a grand total of 16 career medals — 14 gold and 2 bronze. Michael Phelps was awarded the World Swimmer of the Year Award in 2003, 2004, 2006, and 2007 and American Swimmer of the Year Award in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, and 2007. Amanda Beard looks like the cadaver of some kind of Romulan-horse hybrid. Look, I’m not saying she is a communist, and I’m not saying she isn’t a communist. I’m just saying that she loves desecrating the American flag naked. Advantage always: Michael Phelps.

Living long and prospering in Hawaii last year:

Jennifer Lopez wants you to know it’s about time you stopped watching the stupid Olympics and paid attention to her and her upcoming triathlon. Phelps who? It’s Jenny from the Block, dummies! According to MSNBC

Lopez, who appeared on “Good Morning America” Aug. 18 to discuss her preparations for the Malibu Triathlon, was overheard saying after the segment that she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer,” according to a GMA source. “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”

Okay, let’s see. Some Michael Phelps facts:

1. If you look into the eye of a hurricane you will see Michael Phelps swimming.

2. Newton’s First Law is wrong: Even if an external force is applied to Michael Phelps he will remain in the Michael Phelps state of motion.

3. Water drinks Michael Phelps.

4. Every time you see a shooting star you are really watching Michael Phelps train in space.

5. Aquaman wears Michael Phelps underwear.

6. Newborn dolphins learn to swim by watching footage of Michael Phelps.

7. Michael Phelps doesn’t swim through water, water gets out of his way.

And now, for some Jennifer Lopez facts:

1. Jennifer Lopez can eat her weight in gouda.

2. Jennifer Lopez once crushed a folding chair with her ass.

3. Jennifer Lopez can fart Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

4. Jennifer Lopez comes with saddlebags and paunch attachments.

The only way Jennifer Lopez will ever beat Michael Phelps at anything is if it involves eating her way out of a trough full of bacon, Fanta, and Christmas hams. And to the best of my knowledge, that kind of trough only exists in Britney Spears’ imagination. Plus, Michael Phelps doesn’t look like a big doughy pear in spandex. Advantage: Michael Phelps.