“Half is still better than none” my father once said, but he was talking about the silver filling he was prying out of my brother’s mouth because he was out of meth money, not about some teenage girl’s half-tit hanging out of her shirt. Either way, though, I think it still applies. That kind of fatherly advice is timeless.

Because if there’s anything you want to do braless, it’s ride an ATV:

The Billboard Music Awards were last night, but you’ll have to fill me in later, because we have more important issues to address than who won what. Namely, Miley Cyrus’ attempt to make an entire red carpet ensemble out of a double-breasted blazer and thorough abuse of a rat-tail comb. All she needs is a pair of red Sally Jesse Raphael’s and a little blue eyeshadow and she’s a sluttier version of Tess McGill from “Working Girl.”

I’m all for diet and exercise, but Miley Cyrus has lost so much weight that her head-to-body ratio is all wrong. Her head looks freakishly large, like the vertebrae in her neck might telescope at any moment under the strain of such an enormous load. She looks like a marionette minus the strings.

Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” wasn’t screened for press review and Lionsgate did absolutely no promotion for it whatsoever, so it should come as no surprise that it tanked at the box office this past weekend. Also, it stars Miley Cyrus. The Daily Mail says:

The teen romantic comedy flopped at the U.S. box office after being released in a limited number of screens.

The film, which co-stars Demi Moore and Ashley Greene, earned approximately $46,500.

However Miley tweeted how proud she was of the film, [writing], ‘Thank u so much for everyone who went to see LOL… It is a film I loved making and I am proud of. That’s all that matters to me.’

And you thought “Christmas in Canaan” was as low as the Cyrus family could sink. Never underestimate what being hand-reared by a man with a mullet can do to your sense of shame.

LOL co-star Ashley Greene at the Met Gala Monday night:

Sorry for the late updates today, boys and girls. My court-ordered community service ran a little long. Please accept these pics of a remarkably fit Miley Cyrus jogging in a sports bra as a token of my apology. Or don’t. See if I care. We both know you’re gonna look either way.

Okay, so it’s Miley Cyrus, and yes, she’s dressed like she’s headed to Gold’s Gym to blast her lats with the rest of the juiceheads, but it’s still half a boob. And the last time I checked, that was still half a boob more than you started with this morning. You don’t wanna go looking a gift horse in the mouth, people. Particularly if said gift horse has been drinking scotch since three this morning. Chances are good you’ll just get puked on again.

In Calabasas:

Miley Cyrus was spotted wearing what appeared to be an engagement ring for the second day in a row when she took the red carpet at the Muhammed Ali Celebrity Fight Night Gala in Phoenix last night. I was gonna pretend to give a shit, but it’s two-thirty in the fucking morning and I’m drunk on shitty dessert wine and I wish I were doing anything other than talking about Miley fucking Cyrus right now. The Daily Mail says:

The 19-year-old made sure photographers got a good shot of the sparkler last night… with boyfriend Liam Hemsworth by her side.

Miley placed her hands on her hips providing the perfect angle for shot of the ring.

I know what you’re thinking, but marriages between nineteen-year-olds sometimes work out. They’re called “Mormons.”

Miley Cyrus must have glaucoma, because she was photographed leaving a medical marijuana dispensary with a friend in Los Angeles yesterday. It’s probably just another unfortunate side effect of growing up with Billy Ray Cyrus. I know my optic nerves would try to cut bait and run if they were forced to look at his mullet for eighteen years straight.

TMZ is reporting that Miley Cyrus got herself a new tattoo Saturday night. And no, it doesn’t say, “I’m with stupid”, with the arrow pointing at herself. Personally, I think that would have been more appropriate. The story reads,

Miley Cyrus was at it again last night — which with her can mean several things — but in this case she got another tattoo … TMZ has learned.

Cyrus showed up at Studio City Tattoo at around 8:00 PM last night with a few friends, including BF Liam Hemsworth.

Miley was the only one of the crew to get inked … with the phrase “Love Never Dies” on the inside of her left bicep.

That’s a really smart move there, Miley. I thought the same thing until I was left crying into the pillow that I had hand-embroidered Billy Kendrick’s portrait onto with thread woven from hair pulled from his brush. Those are countless hours I’ll never get back.

Gisele Bundchen with douchebag husband Tom Brady and son Benjamin in Costa Rica:

Helpful hint: if you have to unbutton your jeans to sit down comfortably, your pants are either 1. Too tight and/or 2. Too damn high-waisted. If the case is #2, then that begs the question: What the fuck are you wearing mom jeans for? I’m looking at you, Miley Cyrus.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Things have apparently gotten rough for Miley Cyrus, because it’s obvious she has no money for new clothes. There’s no other reason for her stealing your mom’s jeans and making them into shorts, or for stealing her flannel shirt. I don’t know about the bustier-thing though; is your mom a slut, or what? God, I would be so embarrassed if I were you.

With boyfriend Liam Hemsworth:

It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island: