Things have apparently gotten rough for Miley Cyrus, because it’s obvious she has no money for new clothes. There’s no other reason for her stealing your mom’s jeans and making them into shorts, or for stealing her flannel shirt. I don’t know about the bustier-thing though; is your mom a slut, or what? God, I would be so embarrassed if I were you.

With boyfriend Liam Hemsworth:

It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island:

Miley Cyrus celebrated her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth’s 18th birthday last weekend by pretending to lick the balls of the giant cake penis erected in his honor. Let’s all take a moment to process that, shall we? TMZ says:

The massive phallic confection was rolled out Saturday night at Club Icon in Downtown L.A. — and 19-year-old Miley quickly jumped at the photo op … posing alongside the [penis cake].

Some party goers tell us … 19-year-old Miley was drinking alcohol and partying all night.

There are so many questions this photo leaves unanswered — chief among them “Why a penis cake for an 18-year old heterosexual male?” — but that’s not important here. What’s important is that Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Christmas in Canaan” vision of racial equality has been realized through his own daughter. It’s a Hallmark moment in and of itself.

This is supposedly a pic of Miley Cyrus topless as she changed in the VIP area of some club in Spain back in May — presumably from the same set of leaked cell phone pics that came out soon after her iPhone was hacked — but somehow it’s just now hitting the interwebs, either because it’s a fake, or because TrainReq decided to play that ace he’d had up his sleeve this whole time. Either way you slice it, you still end up with free boobs. It’s your classic win-win scenario.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Here’s Miley Cyrus in a bikini with boyfriend Liam Hemsworth in Hawaii, living proof that hillbillies can clean up okay, once you look past the over-sized teeth and vaguely retarded expressions. Or, you can just close your eyes and use your hands. That’s my preferred method, anyway.

Miley Cyrus took to her Twitter yesterday to address her recent weight gain by posting a picture of an anorexic girl to shame her detractors for encouraging eating disorders by calling her fat. She tweeted:

By calling girls like me fat this is what you’re doing to other people. i love MYSELF & if you could say the same.

I don’t wanna be shaped like a girl I LOVE being shaped like a WOMAN & trust me ladies your man wont mind either

@ddlovato AMEN! I will destroy any one that ever calls you the F word. You have the SEXIIIESTTTT curvyyyy body! I LOVE IT! #werkthosecurves

I guess there’s solidarity in numbers for fat girls. They instinctively flock together like a herd of rhinoceroses. Except instead of the Serengeti plain, it’s in front of a mall Cinnabon.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I came across this photo of Miley Cyrus in her panties on the set of her “Who Owns My Heart” video, but I have no idea when or how this thing found its way online. I don’t know if it just leaked or if it’s part of the set that leaked earlier in the year, or if it has anything to do with the same guy who hacked Mila Kunis and Scarlett Johansson’s phone last week. To be honest, I really didn’t care. It’s a hot 18-year old girl in her panties. If it’s “information” you want, maybe you should start by asking the gentleman behind you to remove the dick from your ass, because you’re obviously gay. Queer.

You know what’s going to be missing from the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton? According to Miley Cyrus, some good ol’ Tennessee white-trash, buck-toothed flair, that’s what! Says Digital Spy,

Miley Cyrus has expressed a desire to be a flower girl at the forthcoming royal wedding.

She said that a feature about the wedding in a fashion magazine peaked her interest in the upcoming nuptials of Kate Middleton and Prince William, reports The AP.

The 18-year-old admitted that she is looking forward to watching the April 29 wedding on television and is curious to find out what Middleton will wear.

Cyrus said that the British crown jewels were the “most fabulous thing” she’d ever seen when she viewed them on display in London earlier this month.

God–Miley at a royal wedding. I can just imagine it–everything very regal, solemn and refined, and then there’d be Miley, photocrashing every picture with her moon-face, throwing up her ever-present “peace” sign. Since there’s no way in hell that they’d let her be part of the wedding, I can only hope that she tries to crash it and she gets bayoneted by the Royal Guard. Now that’s what I would call an excellent wedding present! A “symbol of goodwill to the people at this joyous occasion”, they could call it.

In Studio City with the rest of the hillbillies:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Sad news, crap fans — Miley Cyrus isn’t planning on bringing her Gypsy Heart Tour to the United States. The good news? She’s still tweeting plenty of pedo-riffic pictures on Twitter (see above). I guess when the Lord closes a door, some way he opens a window. The Examiner says:

The former “Hannah Montana” star says she’s not feeling the love from the USA at the moment, and has decided to take her show down under.

Miley will head to Australia to kick off her 2011 tour [and] stop in South America to perform for her fans.

“I just think right now America has gotten to a place where I don’t know if they want me to tour or not,” admitted Miley. “Right now I just want to go to the places where I am getting the most love and Australia and South America have done that for me.”

The reason she’s not “feelin’ the love” in America is because no mothers in America like the real Miley Cyrus. They liked the character she played on TV, Hannah Montana. Moms liked the half-hour it bought them to park their irritating ankle-biters in front of the television and let the little bastards bask in the warm embrace of all that is blanched and contrived and Disney-manufactured while they downed half a bottle of chardonnay and sexted their best friend’s husband from the back bedroom. Miley’s insistence on bucking the Hannah Montana character was in effect like cutting off her nose to spite her face. And believe me, those giant mole teeth were already spiting her face plenty. She didn’t need any more help in that department.

At the 2011 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The same hacker who’s gone after Vanessa Hudgens and released those nude photos has his sights set on a whole slew of other celebrities. They do realize that they wouldn’t have to worry about that if you know, they quit taking nude photos of themselves? Says TMZ,

TMZ broke the story … the FBI sat down with Vanessa Hudgens Wednesday for more than an hour to determine how her Gmail account got hacked.

We’re told 50 celebs had compromising photos and videos stolen by one group, and one of the ringleaders has his fingerprints on every job.

Our sources say the hackers’ primary motivation is the thrill and challenge of it all — not the money.

Law enforcement sources tell us the FBI is closing in on the hackers.

A further update reveals some of the names of those 50 celebrities:

We’ve learned the ring has hit the mobile and other devices of Jessica Alba, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Christina Aguilera. We’ve already told you the ring also stole pics and video from Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.

I of course would never be involved in something so low as hacking into people’s electronic devices and stealing pictures. It’s just so impersonal. I prefer to dress in camo, stick leaves in my hair, climb a tree and use my high-powered telephoto lens camera to peep in celebrity houses. Anyone can sit behind a computer, but not everyone knows that sitting in a tree above a nest of fire ants isn’t a great idea. That’s real world experience, people!

Until some more of those nudie shots are released, here’s some pictures of Stephanie Seymour in a bikini:

Nothing says “I’m a grownup now!” like a generous display of sideboob. That’s why I’ve cut the armpits out of all of my suit jackets and button-down shirts. That oughta show the judge I’m “mature” enough to regain custody of my kids again.

Miley Cyrus in the March issue of Marie Claire:

Miley Cyrus looks like she should be pushing a drink cart down the aisle of a Southwest flight from Albequerque to Little Rock, stopping every two or three rows to catch her breath and pat her brow with a hanky. I guess this is just what happens when you’re born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures