Didn’t think Michael Jackson was weird enough? Try this one on for size: According to The Mirror, Jacko desperately wanted to clone himself.

Michael Jackson was so terrified of dying he was desperate to clone himself in a bizarre bid to extend his superstar legacy.

Jackson – who was obsessed with the idea of immortality – attended a Las Vegas conference on human cloning with his friend, the spoon bender Uri Geller.

And the King of Pop was so blown away by the teachings of a sect called the Raelians he asked if they would clone him.

Jacko’s chauffeur Al Bowman, who drove the singer and Geller to the event in 2002, said: “Jackson was very excited.

“He bounced out of that conference like a small child. He was smiling and on a high. I heard him and Uri talking in the back of the limo.

“He was talking about the prospect of being cloned. He grabbed Uri by both arms and told him, ‘I really want to do it Uri, and I don’t care how much it costs’.”

The Raelian movement is a strange religious sect that believes the human soul dies when the body dies so the key to eternal life is cloning – recreating individuals from their own genetic make-up.

The sect also has a scientific arm called Clonaid which holds regular fund-raising events to share its latest research with the great and good of Hollywood.

“I always remember Jackson talking about the cloning of Dolly the sheep in Britain in 1996 – he was totally fascinated by it,” said Al, 50, Jacko’s chauffeur for over a decade.

“Then when he heard about the Raelians he became utterly convinced this weird religious group could clone humans.

“It was really oddball stuff, but it interested Michael. One day in the limo he said, ‘They did it with Dolly’. I said, ‘Dali… you mean Salvador Dali’. We both laughed.

“Michael said he wanted a mini-version of himself cloned to carry on his legacy. He was hoping that Michael Jackson could live for ever.”

In the 90s Jackson inquired about being cryogenically frozen before he died and it was also rumoured that he took GH3, a drug designed to prolong life expectancy.

But he was particularly fascinated by the Raelians, which were founded by French journalist Claude Vorilhon.

In December 1973, Vorilhon – or Rael as he is now known – claimed he was contacted by an extra-terrestrial being who emerged from a flying saucer and told him – in fluent French – that humans were created in laboratories 25,000 years ago by people from another planet .

Word is he was also stocking up on skin bleach, lining up a plastic surgeon, and was checking to see if you could actually call it pedophilia if it’s technically you.

File this one away in news you never wish you heard–Mini Me Verne Troyer was a veritable pocket rocket of boozy love! News of the World brings the barf-worthy details:

Curvy 5ft 6in stunner Genevieve [Gallen], 36, reveals: “We had to be creative—but because of my yoga experience I could get into the right positions to make it work. And I was soon head over heels in love with Verne.

“We could have sex up to 10 times in a single day. We’d do it for 45 minutes and he would just keep on going as I had orgasm after orgasm.

“He was a sex addict. He was then only the second man I’d ever slept with. He told me he’d had huge numbers of girls.”

Genevieve—who met the 39-year-old Austin Powers star at a New Years Eve party at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles—says she felt like Alice in Wonderland when she first went back to Verne’s place . . . a SHED at the the end of his manager’s garden. “It was a little off-putting because everything was so small,” says Genevieve.

“There was a miniature futon and a miniature refrigerator and bed. The light switches were all down at the level of my knee and the toilet was no bigger than a child’s potty.”

But she was so smitten by her little lover she was determined to do everything in her power to keep him interested in her.

She recalls: “I would dress up in my sexiest lingerie every day and try all sorts of role-play games. Sometimes I dressed as a prostitute, other times a cheerleader—and even a schoolgirl.

“I once put on a dark wig, some sexy lingerie and put on a Russian accent so he would think I was a high class call girl.

“There was no doubt in my mind he was the man for me.”

Genevieve remembers how they first made love following a romantic dinner at the luxury Four Seasons hotel in Los Angeles in 2002. “I was nervous but determined we would do it that night. I had even researched what condoms to use for a little man,” she says. “That night I put on a long red dress I knew would blow him away. It was our first night out together in public as a couple so I was determined to look my best.

“We had a wonderful meal in the hotel’s restaurant—I had sushi and a couple of glasses of wine to get me in the mood. Verne had a club sandwich and they cut it into tiny little pieces for him, which was kind of embarrassing because they didn’t need to do that.

“After that we went back to the room. Verne had put a little chair by the bed—which was huge—so he could hop on to it.

“And he was really sweet and romantic. We talked and made out for a long time. Verne was not self-conscious about his body at all.

“We made love three times that night. For me it was emotionally satisfying.

“But I was surprised when I saw him naked for the first time that night—I had expected him to be better endowed. But Verne’s body is proportional all over, so he was smaller than I expected.”

She soon found out that he made up for that with his boundless stamina. “With Verne I started experimenting with my own pleasure in ways I had never done before,” says Genevieve.

“We would fall asleep in each other’s arms then wake up, have something to eat or drink and start all over again. Verne was insatiable and there is definitely something in his personality that makes him easily addicted to things.”

The trouble was, that included alcohol.

Gernevieve claims the star would knock back up to a litre of vodka and a 12-pack of Budweiser in a single day. It soon affected their sex life.

“One Valentine’s night, I tried to do something really special for him. I knew he liked the colour red, so I put on everything red, including red stockings, red garter belts, a red thong and patterned red shoes just how he liked them,” says Genevieve.

“He seemed really excited and jumped up on the coffee table as he ordered me into different poses. He took some pictures of me and I was ready for a really beautiful night but before we could make love he was so drunk he passed out wearing his socks and boxers.

“At the end of the day, I think he was more in love with alcohol than he was with me.”

She describes how the warning signs were there early in their relationship.

“Soon after I met him he almost drank himself to death. I heard he was in hospital and when I got there he was lying in bed covered in vomit and diarrhoea,” says Genevieve.

“Then there was a time when I got home and found myself locked out. I tried to wake Verne by banging on the door but he’d drunk so much I couldn’t. The neighbours called the police and I convinced them to break the door open to let me in.

“But then they demanded to see Verne so I could prove it was my house.

“When I found him, he was face down clutching a pillow. I tried to wake him but it was impossible, so I had to pick him up still clutching the pillow and take him outside to present him to the police officers.

“They were shining the light on his head and Verne was mumbling, ‘What’s going on?” One of the police officers started laughing but the other one told him to stop. It was really embarrassing.”

I tried to cut that long, embarrassing confession down, but it seemed like each line brought with it new waves of laughter mingled with vomit reflexes, and personally, I overindulged a little over the holidays AND my beloved dog died, so I really need to lose a little extra weight and the laughing helps lift my mood. Sorry!

More lovely family portraits:

Tiny actor Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider for allegedly beating his ass throughout the course of their relationship. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Troyer is accusing Shrider of intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery. Verne’s lawyer [says], “When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.” Troyer says [Shrider] terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then [threw] him to the floor.”

This sounds like something you might pay to see after taking in a donkey show and two liters of Dos Equis while on Spring Break in Tijuana. Full-contact midget wrestling followed by tongue-sucking midget porn. Gross. I don’t know whether I want to laugh or throw up. Or throw up while I’m laughing, which is really a lot harder than it sounds. Fortunately, I had plenty of practice on my wedding night.

Because the power of Christ compels me: Mini-Me has a sex tape. TMZ says

Yes, that’s Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple’s apartment. Dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris’ video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness.

Even Caligula and the donkey in the Tiajuana sex show would have been sickened by this. It’s one of those things you can’t un-see once you’ve seen it, like Two Girls, One Cup or Episode I: The Phantom Menace.