NBC is so desperate for ratings that they’ve taking to jerking off donkeys for Nielson points now. Yes, contestants on Monday’s “Fear Factor” will have to drink a glass of donkey semen, followed by a donkey urine chaser in order to move on to the next round. The Daily Mail says:

The stomach churning segment was apparently filmed last summer and is set to air next week.

While show executives were said to have had their reservations, the segment was filmed and as yet there are no plans not to screen it.

The challenge required teams of twins to drink a full glass of donkey semen – with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure.

Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to qualify for the next round.

Jesus Christ, is this “Fear Factor,” or fucking “Jackass?” Shame on Joe Rogan, and shame on NBC. That’s bestiality as far as I’m concerned. You can’t buy back your dignity, asswipes.

Miranda Kerr for Victoria’s Secret, because she’s not drinking donkey semen:

Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital last night for some sort of substance abuse issue, although just what substance she was abusing remains to be seen. TMZ says:

A 911 call was placed at 10:45 PM Monday night. Paramedics responded to Demi’s L.A. home and after assessing her for a half hour, she was transported to a local hospital.

Sources tell us she is being placed in a facility to “seek further professional assistance.” Our sources say the treatment is for substance abuse.

Demi’s rep [said], “Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”

In case you’re wondering, that’s not Demi Moore up there on the cover of Grazia magazine. It’s actually Victoria’s Secret moodel Miranda Kerr, because A) she’s Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr, B) she’s in a Wonder Woman costume, and because C) Demi Moore looks like E.T. in a Cher wig. Even Flat Stanley has more curves than that bitch does.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr is completely naked in these two black and white pics from INDUSTRIE Magazine #4, but you can only see her nipple in one of them. And even then, the rest of her lower half looks like a weird assemblage of limbs and cadaver parts, like what you might see if you looked down into an open mass grave outside a concentration camp. And frankly, those kinda thoughts make it take twice as long to masturbate, and I just don’t have that kinda time. I have anime battles to re-enact. Bring me my dueling swords and my furry tail!

Both Miranda Kerr and Kim Kardashian were in Australia recently, both hawking handbags, yet there the similarities end. Miranda was there with Louis Vuitton, Kim was with her krappy Kardashian Kollection. They’re like the Yin and Yang of the fashion world. It reminds me of those shitty “arts and crafts” shows where would-be artists display their tacky pastel landscapes and sunsets, or God forbid, pensive clowns, and clueless people stand in front of them and nod to each other and make comments about how “perty” they are. It’s exactly like that, except instead of oils and acrylics in pastel shades, it’s spandex , man-made materials and goldtone finishes. Yech.

Since divorcing Marc Anthony four months ago, Jennifer Lopez has been trying to convince people she’s dating Bradley Cooper, but since nobody bought it, now she’s dating one of her backup dancers. You know, because that worked out so well before. The NY Daily News says:

The singer has found love with male dancer Casper Smart, who she’s quietly been dating for several weeks.

The couple has reportedly been hiding their new relationship, but a source [said]… Lopez and Smart “are dating and having a good time.”

Smart, a backup dancer, has appeared in films such as “Honey 2″ and “Step Up 3D” and in an episode of “Glee.”

Now, he currently appears to be on tour dancing with Lopez.

His name is fucking Casper and I hate Jennifer Lopez, so I don’t really even need to say anything here. I could just yawn and make that jerkoff motion with my hand for three solid minutes and it’d be all you needed to know about this stupid-ass story.

Miranda Kerrin a $2.5 million pearl bra at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last week because (see above):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

New mom Miranda Kerr shows off her cute little tushy in next month’s Harper’s Bazaar magazine. Funny how the word “tushy” just sucks the sex appeal right out of it. It’s the verbal equivalent of her lying naked on the bed in front of a row of Madame Alexander dolls.

TLC just gone done axing Kate Gosselin’s crappy “Kate + 8″ show, and now they’re canceling “L.A. Stink Ink” because of its comparably low ratings. But the way Kat von D tells it, she wasn’t fired because her show sucks; she quit that bitch because reality TV is supposed to be pure, unadulterated truth. She told People Magazine:

“In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup [with Jesse James], TLC has decided to focus on re-editing events that didn’t happen while filming. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.

As grateful as I am to have been a part of LA Ink, I’m ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now.”

It’s TLC’s loss, really. There are tons of projects out there for a girl like Kat. “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Bangkok Ladyboy Cabaret” come to mind. So do “Celebrity Rehab” and “My Strange Addiction.”

Miranda Kerr in some new Victoria’s Secret pics, because she doesn’t have to tuck:

If you’ve ever wanted to know what Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr would look like if she were from Mumbai, look no further than the July issue of FHM India. She makes a pretty decent South Asian, considering this is what she looks like in real life, but it takes more than black hair and darkened skin to make a convincing Indian woman. She also needs a mustache and some symptoms of yellow fever.

I figure it takes the power of TWO Victoria’s Secret models to purge the image of a Lady Gaga double nipslip from your mind, so here are Miranda Kerr and Alessandra Ambrosio in all of their incomparable glory at the CFDAs last night. If I could find a way to morph them into an aqueous solution and inject them directly into your brain, I would, but it seems that technology hasn’t been invented yet. And their handlers get all kinds of huffy if you even attempt to harness their DNA in the name of scientific research, even if you’re wearing a lab coat and making beeping sounds like a robot.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Alexander McQueen was the designer du jour at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Annual Costume Institute Gala Ball last night, with Gisele Bundchen, Salma Hayek and Sarah Jessica Parker all wearing his signature creations. There were two big themes among the patrons — Black Swan, as seen on Liv Tyler, Demi Moore and Miranda Kerr, and Princess Bride, as modeled by Naomi Campbell, Fergie and Miranda Kerr above. Kirsten Dunst, as always, had the ugliest dress there, but Ashely Olsen was a close second in a dress designed that appeared to have been designed by a nearsighted lumberjack turned Victorian hippie. But I don’t know how they get off calling it a costume ball when there wasn’t a wizard, mutant or storm trooper in the bunch. Frankly, you’d be much better off just going to Comic-Con.

More pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr posted this picture of her nursing her new baby Flynn on her Twitter yesterday, and being a huge proponent of the mother-child bonding process that I am, I thought I’d share it with you. And since the stupid baby is hogging all the bonding, I found some pictures of Miranda topless that will allow you to cultivate a primal attachment all your own. Consider it my early Mother’s Day gift to you!

Orlando Bloom has already spent more time with his child than L’il Wayne and Travis Henry have spent with theirs in the last ten years combined, and his kid is only three weeks old. He must want his child to be able to recognize from something other than just his mug shot photos.

In L.A. with little Flynn yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures