Boy, it sure would be nice to stand in front of a wind machine in some of the most exotic locals in the world while someone oils up my ass and another person arranges my hair extensions, à la Miranda Kerr in this Victoria’s Secret photoshoot. But no, some of us actually have to get up by ten o’clock and wipe the vomit/semen/tears from our pajamas and get crackin’ on another tough day of making fun of people on the computer. Some people have all the luck!

Somewhere fancy that you aren’t:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

When Miranda Kerr and Donald Duck do it, it’s “avant-garde” and “adorable.” When I decide to go outside without pants, it’s misdemeanor indecent exposure. Explain to me how the hell that works.

Miranda in next month’s V magazine with Ana Beatriz Barros:

Sheesh, Miranda Kerr has gotten awfully bony lately! Her new, skinnier figure might be due to an attempt to get into the world of avant garde modeling. Says Daily Mail,

The former Maybelline model - the world’s tenth highest earning model - has been much in demand for the lingerie brand, and for swimwear shoots for magazines such as Sports Illustrated.

But the 26-year-old Australian cut a distinctly emaciated on a fashion shoot for magazine Grazia in Sydney.

From the back she looked virtually unrecognisable as she posed in a tightly laced corset on the rooftop of the Museum of Contemporary Art.

Miranda’s ribs protruded, and her skin was tightly stretched across her bony back. Her thin arms also looked extremely sinewy.

The reason for the Australian’s sudden weight loss is not exactly hard to fathom.

It seems her ambitions to do high fashion modelling were realised earlier this month she made an appearance on the catwalk for Balenciaga, the fashion world’s coolest label right now.
miranda kerr

The model’s girl next door look was erased and she was unrecognisable in straightened slicked back hair and heavy catwalk eye make up.

In case you don’t remember, this is what she used to look like. My daddy always said that wasting curves on a woman was criminal–which I suppose is why he’s in the county jail for being a pimp.

Some posts need no explanation at all. Some posts seem to just fall out of the sky and land gently in your lap like a magical gift from heaven. This is one of those posts, boys and girls. Shh… let’s not spoil it with words. Let’s just look deeply into each others’ eyes and say a silent prayer of gratitude while simultaneously going for our zippers. It’s what Jesus would want us to do.

Miranda Kerr on the runway at the David Jones show yesterday:

You might remember these pictures of Ana Beatriz Barros and Miranda Kerr in the 2010 Pirelli calendar from earlier this month. Well, these are different, because these are HQ, not shitty low-res scans. See the difference? It’s like I’ve taken something wonderful and somehow made it even better, like a raisin covered in chocolate or a monkey in a cowboy suit. Consider it my gift to you.

All pics NSFW:

2010: the year of the booby. Sure beats the hell out of a rooster or an ox!

All pics (including header link) NSFW. From left to right:

Eniko Mihalik, Rosie Huntington Whiteley, Catherine McNeil, Abbey Lee Kershaw, Daisy Lowe, Gracie Carvalho, Marloes Horst, Lily Cole, Ana Beatriz Barros, Miranda Kerr, and Georgina Stojiljkovic

Nothing’s official yet, but it looks as though Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are planning to get married. The Daily Mail says

23-year old [Kerr], who first started dating Orlando Bloom in late 2007, is now rumored to be engaged to the Lord of the Rings star. The couple looked extremely loved-up during a visit to Cannes earlier this week… and Miranda has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her left finger.

Orlando Bloom might have starred in two of the most successful movie trilogies of all time and just laid claim to gorgeous lingerie model, but I’m not worried. Not at all. My day’s coming. Why, just last week my mom told me I was destined for a lifetime of fame and success. Only she used the expression “even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then,” and instead of giving me a reassuring hug, she dumped my suitcase on the ground and peeled off in a cloud of dust and gin, but I know that’s what she meant. Sometimes you have to look past “words” and “actions” to discover the true meaning inside.

(Unretouched!) lingerie shoot and (retouched) VS swimsuit catalog pics:

You can always count on the sluts at Victoria’s Secret to supply us with a continuous flow of pictures for you guys to drool over. Miranda Kerr is smokin’ hot here, arching her back like the naughty little minx she is. Behati Prinsloo (never heard of her) is pretty but not as much as Miranda, especially in her weird circa 1995 sundress and fug clunky shoes, but I think she’s trying to make up for it to you fellas. See, she’s holding a bottle of lotion out to you to help you in your, uh, manual endeavors. She’s a giver! That’s gotta count for something!

I always wondered what I would do if I could somehow stare perfection in the face. And then I saw these pictures of Victoria’s Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr doing a photo shoot St. Barts and I instantly knew. Turns out I shit myself and start convulsing in the face of perfection. Next time I’ll be more careful about sticking my tongue in the ethernet port and my fingers in the power outlet. Things don’t always taste as good as they look on your monitor, you know.

Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whore Kim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals

The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.

There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.

Make way for genetic superiority:

The Victoria’s Secret Angels strutted their stuff down the catwalk at a lavish show the newly-renovated Fontainebleau hotel in Miami this past weekend. There were the requisite feathers, the elaborate costuming, the diamond brassieres, and oh, yes — the boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies. I sure hope none of you girls out there woke up feeling good about yourselves today! Nothing’s a better antidote for self-affirmation and esteem like 800 pictures of the world’s most perfect bodies. If it makes you feel any better, angel Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button (close up here). They have to photoshop one on her in shoots. Disgusting freak. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me now, I have some cutting and purging to do. Laxatives don’t just ingest themselves, you know!

The cover of next month’s issue of FHM Magazine says that Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr wants to let you in on a “sexy secret.” I think it’s just that she’s topless, but still — I’d be wary if I were you. You never know. The last time someone told me they had a sexy secret, I wound up having to take penicillin for a week. Trust me, the sexy secret wasn’t nearly as much fun as it sounded.