Orlando Bloom has already spent more time with his child than L’il Wayne and Travis Henry have spent with theirs in the last ten years combined, and his kid is only three weeks old. He must want his child to be able to recognize from something other than just his mug shot photos.
In L.A. with little Flynn yesterday:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
Orlando Bloom took this beautiful picture of his long-time girlfriend Miranda Kerr’s boob and posted it on the internet for all the world to see. Also, there was something about a baby. I don’t know. Probably how it kept getting in the way of me seeing Miranda Kerr’s boob. The Daily Mail says:
Miranda, 27, gave birth to son Flynn on January 6 in Los Angeles,.
‘He weighed 9lb 12 ounces (a very healthy and big baby boy),’ Miranda wrote [on her website].
‘I gave birth to him naturally; without any pain medication and it was a long, arduous and difficult labour, but Orlando was with me the whole time supporting and guiding me through it. I could not have done it without him.’
There’s something so warm and comforting about seeing the mother-child bond, isn’t there? It’s like wrapping yourself in a cocoon of safety and goodness. I haven’t felt this calm and at peace since my gun permit was revoked.
A very pregnant Miranda Kerr poses nude in W Magazine’s special Family Issue, although I don’t see what’s so very “family” about it. You try taking your top off near a YMCA and see just how family-oriented the staff finds it. My eyes were oozing pepper spray and gravel for a damn week.
The rest of the non-naked people (Katherine Heigl, Jenna Jameson, Madonna and Lourdes, and Usher):
I’ve always considered myself a patron of the arts — particularly if the art is mostly naked boobs — and Russell James’ new work “V2″ is just that. I counted nine clearly visible nipples in these pics of Miranda Kerr and one kinda blurry one. That’s TEN nipples altogether. So you can see it meets even the most stringent sine qua non to be deemed fine art by yours truly. Enjoy all the culture and high-brow sophistication!
NSFW:
Normally, if you’re wearing a coat made of feathers, you’ve also been covered in tar and tied to a maypole, because you’re a Federal tax agent being pilloried by local distillers during the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. In the case of Miranda Kerr, it’s just because haute couture can be really fucking stupid sometimes.
Surprise, surprise — Orlando Bloom didn’t pull out. Oh, like you wouldn’t, either! People magazine says:
Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are expecting their first child together.
“Yes, I am pregnant. Four months along,” says Kerr, 27, confirming much buzz about a possible baby after the couple quietly wed in July.
“I’ve always wanted kids,” [Miranda said]. “My ideal situation would be to live on a farm in a solar-powered house with a hammock and a vegetable patch. When this is all over, that’s where I’ll be.”
“In a solar-powered home tending organic vegetables” sounds like something out of my grandpa’s nightmares. Throw in a hybrid car and a government-sanctioned third-trimester abortion and he’d probably blow his own head off. Provided the hippies hadn’t already confiscated his guns.
Elfin sperm’s aim must be straight and true, because Miranda Kerr is reported to be pregnant about a month after her and Orlando Bloom’s engagement last month and surprise wedding last week. Says Ok! Magazine,
Miranda Kerr’s fellow Victoria’s Secret model, Jessica White, couldn’t be happier about her friend’s pregnancy and marriage to Orlando Bloom. “I was very excited!” Jessica told OK! at the Nine West Runway Relief shoot today about hearing the news. “She’s preggos!”
“I’m happy for her. Love is in the air, and good for her. I think she and Orlando make a really beautiful couple and they’ve been together for a while, so I wish them all the best.”
As for the baby?“It’s going to be a crazy-hot baby,” she says.
Miranda told OK! back in 2009 about what kind of mother she hopes to be. “If I’m half as good as my mother, I’ll be happy,” Miranda said. “Because my mother honestly was just the best mum anyone could ever ask for, so that’s all I can really aim for.”
Her supermodel friends, of course, will make fun of her behind her back, because there’s nothing that freaks them out like fat people. Not that Miranda will be anything more than a stick with a bump in the middle, because she’ll probably keep up a steady diet of vitamins, celery and throwing up.
Enjoy it while you can, friends:
After less than a month of engagement, Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr were married in a ceremony hailed by the press as the “the most secret-y secret in all of secret-dom.” Yes, I count as press. Well, I have my own badge and everything. Plus I wrote “PRESS” on an index card and stuck in the brim of my fedora, just like in the old-timey movies. The Daily Mail says:
Miranda Kerr and film star Orland Bloom are thought to have tied the knot in Los Angeles, but no other details were immediately available.
Victoria’s Secret model Miranda has revealed the pair are already on their honeymoon.
The Pirates Of The Caribbean star reportedly proposed twice before, but the model was said to be reluctant to make the union official.
She still looks a little “reluctant” in that picture up there, don’t you think? He’s got on what appears to be a bulletproof vest and a fake mustache (well, let’s hope it’s fake) and he’s dragging her by the wrist like she was a Pomeranian on her way to the vet’s to get neutered. Definitely raises some suspicions. This is usually the sort of thing you’d see taken from an airport surveillance cam right before they issued an official amber alert.
Virtually eyebrow-less (and topless) in Numéro #114 magazine:
I agree 100% with Miranda Kerr’s stance on pants — I’m against them. A new, trouser-less era is dawning! How long will you remain a slave to the establishment and their pants-centric oppression? Join my revolution, and together we will send the pinking shears of the people’s will slicing through the pleated chinos of corporate bureaucracy!
In the June Body Issue of Elle:
I’m glad Miranda Kerr finally saw fit to make amends with a decent topless spread in next month’s GQ. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to forgive her for that awful i-D shoot, but it’s amazing what eyebrows and a comb can do to a girl’s resolve. Throw in boobies and tan lines and I’m practically putty in your hand.
Look what the bastards at i-D magazine did to my precious Miranda Kerr. I didn’t even recognize her. Sure, she doesn’t have her top, but she doesn’t have her fucking eyebrows, either. What the hell is that? Only fish don’t have eyebrows. It looks terrible. I’m sorry, but nipples can only do so much. That’s why God gave you a vagina, Miranda. You gotta meet me halfway here.
I’m just hoping that’s a wig made out of tumbleweeds and sea urchins:
I think this is pretty much every lonely nerd’s fantasy right here — three lingerie models splashing around together in a pool. Only Alessandra Ambrosio is probably wielding a light saber and playing Quidditch topless in the version in your head. Dork.
Sarah’s in tomorrow, so I’ll see you snarky bastards Monday!
Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio and Candice Swanepoel promoting the 15th Anniversary of the Swimsuit Catalog in L.A.:
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online
