Mischa Barton and some little friend of hers were walking to the Bowery Hotel yesterday, and Mischa was… well, she was certainly filling out her dress. She busted one of her ass seams:
I don’t get Mischa Barton. She’s certainly not fat, but she’s not very well toned and she picks out the world’s most unflattering outfits. She’s got great bone structure, but her hair’s a damn mess and she spackles her eyes like she’s a blind crack whore. I just don’t get it. But whatever it is, she’s outta the psych ward now so I want her to knock it off and try harder.
This video of Mischa Barton eating it on the steps of her trailer is funny, be it would be a lot funnier with some cartoon sound effects, like a slide whistle followed by a squelching noise and maybe a fart or two. So I found this sound effects soundboard and tried to figure out how to add the sounds to the video on my own. Unfortunately, the “Introduction to Windows ‘98″ course I took in college didn’t provide me with the necessary skills for online video editing. But if you want me to add a header and footer to your Word document or wrap text around a piece of Word Art, I’m your girl!
When I saw these pictures of Mischa Barton arriving to the set of “The Beautiful Life,” my heart instantly leapt into my throat and choked me up. Ha ha, I’m kidding. It was really vomit. Everybody knows I don’t actually have a heart.
Ohhhhh Mischa. Poor crazy, skinny fat girl. Your world is all upended. You’re skinny, yet you can get a double chin that would please a Rubenesque painter. You have a skinny little behind, yet you still have copious amounts of cellulite. You get 5150′d against your will. I’m troubled, dear flower child, that you will do yourself some serious harm that would stop the release of your upcoming show, “The Beautiful Life”, of which this is the first I’ve heard about, so that can’t be a good sign, but I’d like to believe you could be in a show that I’d remotely care about, and since this one is about you being a model turned drug addict, I really believe you could pull it off, because I’m really a nice person at heart and don’t want it to bomb and send you into an even deeper spiral of crazy and do something dreadful like off yourself, because then we couldn’t write about you anymore. But I guess that makes me not so much a guileless, kind soul, but more like a heartless guttersnipe. But let’s not squabble about semantics. Let’s have a chat sometime, okay?
Being forcibly removed from your home because you’re intent on killing yourself just isn’t the page turner it used to be. Just ask Mischa Barton! According to Page Six
A high-level magazine editor tells us Mischa’s publicist was pushing hard for his recently hospitalized client to land the cover on one of the celebrity weeklies. She didn’t. “As sad as Mischa’s recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares,” said the editor.
It seems like nobody cares because no one does care. People would rather read about Robert Pattinson’s choice of hemorrhoid ointment than read about Mischa Barton’s goddamn sad feelings. At least Britney Spears had the good sense to shave herself bald and hold a minor hostage when she got dragged off to the looney bin.
Paris Hilton in FHM because even SHE is more interesting that Mischa Barton:
Mischa Barton’s 5150 hold last Wednesday was the result of a three-day long coke binge that left her so depressed that her friends believed she was going to kill herself. White devil, white devil! NY Post
Photographed Tuesday at an LA hotel, the once-skinny Barton looked bloated and almost unrecognizable. Barton [was later seen] stumbling around poolside and at one point was topless.
A source close to Barton said, “She’s in very bad shape. She’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.
You can survive a bad review, but when you don’t show up for the premiere of your new film, it’s not a good sign of where your career is heading.”
This is where your career ends up going. Just ask Lindsay Lohan:
At the opening of a Harrod’s store earlier this summer:
Mischa Barton went to the television BAFTAs. This is what she wore. The TV BAFTAs are like the British Emmy Awards, so they’re kinda formal ‘n shit. This situation leads to several questions:
Why the hell was she invited?
What the hell was she wearing?
No, seriously, the hell is with those shoes?
Why can’t she just get struck by lightning and go the hell away?
I can only guess the answers, my friends. I’m thinking she snuck into the awards after firing her stylist and replacing them with the blind, retarded grandson of Cousin It. Those shoes must have been made in a special needs art class by a kid with no arms. The lack of lightning is probably because of global warming, so that’s everyone’s fault. Recyle, people. It matters.
Someone sounds desperate for some work. Hippie child Mischa Barton let it be known that she doesn’t have a problem with nudity, as long as it’s artistic and it’s not nudity for the sake of nudity but it adds something to the story blah blah blah…Digital Spy reports,
The 23-year-old former OC star told Bang Media: “It all comes down to whether I trust the director or not.”
Barton, who has previously appeared nude in The Oh In Ohio and Closing The Ring, earlier revealed that her parents remain “confused and cautious” about her career.
Meanwhile, it was recently reported that Barton is being considered for a role in The CW’s Melrose Place remake.
Getting naked for a movie seems to be the solution for distracting people from the fact that you can’t act. See! Look! Booooobies! You don’t notice that I have the personality of a zip code in Ohio! I’m not sure who exactly would want to see her skinny, soggy behind, anyways. Perhaps cottage cheese fetishists? You people make me sick.
Remember when Mischa Barton did stuff? Like that time she made that Disney tv movie about dolphins, or that other time she was the single worst thing on a cartoonishly bad prime time soap and then they killed her off? For the last few years, her career has consisted solely of dressing like a blind lunatic and slouching around like Quasi Modo. I literally have no idea why she’s still famous, but honestly, if she doesn’t stop flashing me I’m going to buy a circus bear and jab it with a stick for about an hour and a half before I set it loose in her neighbourhood.
Dear Mischa,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GIRL, STAND UP STRAIGHT! That hideous dress (it’s Dior, so it probably cost as much as a semester of my sister’s tuition) is clearly not built to hold itself up by will alone. I am tired of you and I am tired as hell of your sad, unsupported breasts in my face. Invest in underclothes. Also, get a goddamn job.
Kisses,
Sarah
Captain Wardrobe Malfunction at the Dior Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2009 show in Paris:
The fairy-tale romance between Joel Madden and Nicole Richie has finally come crashing down, thanks to has-been Mischa Barton. Star Magazine says
For months they’d been fighting, but Nicole and Joel’s strained relationship hit a new low when she screamed at him, “we’re through,” and fled to her mother’s home, taking their daughter Harlow with her. Joel followed her to the Big Apple, and the quarrelsome couple made a disastrous appearance at [an] afterparty on Sept. 6. “There was obvious tension,” an eyewitness [says]. “I didn’t see her talk to Joel the entire night, and it seemed like he was avoiding her too. Nicole was just so angry!”
The next day, Joel headed back to L.A. [and] partied like he didn’t have a care in the world — with Nicole pal Mischa, [who had just] broken up with boyfriend Taylor Locke. [Mischa] was dancing seductively for Joel, says a source. “He kept checking out Mischa and smiling at her.”
Remember like five years ago when Mischa Barton was the new “it” girl? Now she’s swabbing the deck with Nicole Richie’s leftovers and hawking canvas tennis shoes. The only way Mischa could be any less relevant is if she were Joe Biden. Zing!
Nicole in West Hollywood last month:
Mischa at the Inspiration and Passion of Valentino Garavani in London yesterday:
You might remember those incredibly unflattering pictures of Mischa Barton sunbathing in Australia that hit the net last month. The ones she claimed were photoshopped so the paparazzi could make more money off them. Curiously, Mischa was photographed plodding around New York on Friday with the very same set of legs that you saw in those pictures. Mischa defended herself, telling the The Daily Mail
“Photographers try to get the most unflattering shots. They know they are worth more money. Every woman has cellulite.”
I imagine she had more to say on the subject, but was cut short when an Indian in buttless chaps and glitter eyeshadow walked up and bitch-slapped her for stealing his vest. Oh no she didn’t!
Mischa Barton is claiming that the man who photographed her sunbathing topless in Australia last weekend did a little retaliatory photoshopping in an attempt to make her look bad. Barton’s rep tells Rush and Molloy
“Those photos are doctored. They’ve given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old. There’s a lot you can do with Photoshopping. [Photographer Jamie Fawcett is determined] to make Mischa look bad because she called him out for taking the topless shots.”
Oh, come off it already, Mischa. The photos aren’t doctored and we all know it. Remember, nobody likes a crybaby. Crybabies get picked last for kickball and don’t go to prom and end up living with their mothers and developing glandular issues and hiding behind their computers making fun of people they don’t know in a feeble attempt to quell their own self-loathing. Frankly, that kind of existence is a little pathetic.
