Brooke Mueller hasn’t been seen or heard from in the last 24 hours, except for the times when she hit up her friends for clean piss and tried to pawn a stereo and one of ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s old watches for cash. Clearly, she’s well on her way to winning. Radar Online says:

It started with frantic calls to friends for drug-free urine, continued with a failed attempt to hock an expensive watch in a sleazy Inglewood pawn shop — and it ended with friends believing Mueller is hitting rock bottom.

Mueller is believed to have attempted to pawn one of Sheen’s expensive time pieces – even though she gets $55,000 a month from the former Two and a Half Men actor.

[No one has been able to reach her since] Wednesday… [when she] missed a red carpet event in Hollywood.

“Brooke seems depressed,” the friend said. “We’re worried for her safety.”

There are exactly three places you can find yourself that will guarantee your life is in the shitter: 1) the back of a cop car; 2) onstage at a strip club; or 3) a pawn shop. I have a feeling Brooke will have hit all three by the time I’m done posting this. Hat trick, baby!

Lunching with Paris Hilton (okay, so maybe there’s four):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Andrew Koenig, only best known for his role as Boner Stabone on “Growing Pains,” was found dead in Vancouver, Canada yesterday. He had been missing for two weeks. TMZ says

Walter Koenig — father of Andrew Koenig — [confirmed that] his son, who had been missing since February 14, took his own life.

A police spokesperson said Andrew’s body was found in Stanley Park in Vancouver. The spokesperson said they are not releasing Andrew’s cause of death yet due to the sensitivity of situation.

I’m surprised this hadn’t happened earlier, to be honest with you. Just google his name and see what comes up. See if you can find one entry that doesn’t have the word “Boner” in it. You can’t! I tried. Being branded “the guy who played Boner Stabone” the rest of your adult life is cross no man should have to bear. This was really a long time coming.

And in honor of “boners” everywhere, Marisa Miller and friends in next month’s issue of British GQ:

46-year-old Demi Moore posted pictures of herself in a dentist’s chair with a missing front tooth on Twitter, saying

‘Happy to share and always appreciate the opportunity to find humility!!! Or at least be able to laugh at myself!’

If you think she looks weird without the veneers, try imagining what she’d look like without the breast implants, the botox, the knee lifts, the armpit tucks, the liposuction, the brow lift and all the collagen injections. I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing you’d see if you said “Bloody Mary” into a mirror three times in the dark.

Since reconciling with Chris Brown in the days after her beating, Rihanna has in effect “gone missing.” She has not made contact with family or friends in the last two weeks, and her parents are growing increasingly worried and desperate to get in touch with her. Rihanna’s father told Us Weekly

I can’t get to her. Her mother can’t get on to her, her brother told me she changed her email. Somebody has a stranglehold on her. I’ll text the old numbers she had, and I call them. One girl answered, and she said, “This is not Robyn’s number anymore.” I asked, “Do you work for Robyn? Do you deal with Robyn?” And the girl hung up, so I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I’m lost.

[In her last text to me] she said, “Daddy, I miss you.” And that’s it. And I could not reply. I saw a number and texted back, “I miss you too.” And I didn’t get another reply from her.

This sounds an awful lot like when Katie Holmes inexplicably went missing in the weeks before she married Tom Cruise. Maybe Chris Brown isn’t just a woman-beater, but also a closet Scientologist. A Misogynist Scientologist, if you will. Statistics indicate that even “Pedophile Kitten-Rapists” and “Birthing Porn Necrophiliacs” are viewed as less repugnant.

Happier times performing in Milan before the beating: