I guess the whole “Black Swan” fashion trend is still going strong, because Kendall Jenner’s new White Sands swimsuit ads feature bathing suits with ballet-inspired skirts and matching head pieces. Because nothing looks cooler at the pool than strutting down the diving board in a one-piece suit with ruffles while you struggle to get your goggles down over your headdress. Throw in some nose plugs and some SPF 150 and you’ll be peeling those boys off with a stick.
Kate Upton might have landed the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover, but Sophia Neophitou — editor of the “English style bible ’10′ and creative force behind the casting of the Victoria’s Secret shows” — doesn’t think she’s refined enough to take the runaway at a VS fashion show. The NY Times says:
“We would never use Ms. Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show,” Ms. Neophitou said by telephone last week from London. And, while Ms. Upton has, in fact, modeled on occasion for the company’s catalog, her look, said Ms. Neophitou, is “too obvious” to be featured in what has become the most widely viewed runway show in the world.
“She’s like a Page 3 girl,” Ms. Neophitou said, referring to the scantily clad voluptuous women featured in The Sun, a London tabloid. “She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”
Day-um. I think it’s pretty clear that either Kate Upton fucked Ms. Neiphitou’s significant other, or else Ms. Neiphitou caught her significant other jerking it to pictures of Kate Upton. The only way it’d be more obvious that she hated Kate is if she spat and made the sign of the cross every time she said her name.
Kylie Bisutti beat more than 10,000 hopefuls when she won the Victoria’s Secret Model Search two years ago, but she has since abandoned the company because she felt Jesus didn’t want her modeling lingerie. She said in an interview (via the Daily Mail):
“I just started becoming more uncomfortable with [modeling lingerie] because of my faith… my body should only be for my husband and it’s just a sacred thing.
I didn’t really want to be that kind of role model… I had a lot of younger Christian girls that were looking up to me and then thinking that it was okay for them to walk around and show their bodies in lingerie to guys.”
I personally think she’s rejecting her God-given talents, because breasts like those could certainly convince me to give religion another try. Hell, “Jesus Christ” were the first words outta my mouth when I saw this picture of her in a bikini.
In Maxim before her convictions ruined everything:
Candice Swanepoel models here for Rag & Bone, which is a clothing company I’ve never heard of, probably because their jeans start near the $200 mark and only go up to a 32″ waist. If it’s not on clearance at Wal-Mart and isn’t made of either sweatshirt material or at least 80% spandex, it doesn’t touch these thighs. When your pants wear out within a month because of the friction between your thighs, it’s best to not invest too much money in clothing.
Lindsay Lohan met German designer Phillip Plein on Friday; on Saturday, she was his new muse and model; and by Sunday she was fucking him. Okay, I’m kidding about that last part. We all know she fucked him the first day she met him. The Daily Mail says:
[Less than 24 hours after meeting him], Lohan was revealed as the face of the 33-year-old German’s embellished designs and was modeling for him.
The pair have been tactile since they met at Milan Fashion Week [on Friday] but last night they appeared to share a lingering kiss, shielded by a body guard.
Wearing a slinky black dress from Plein’s new line, Lindsay became slightly disheveled and seemingly more amorous [as the night wore on].
The Mean Girls star hadn’t seen a stitch of Plein’s new line until Saturday. She admitted that the collaboration came about ‘spontaneously.’
But by Sunday, as she posed [in his clothes] at Lake Como, she said: ‘Something important to know about this collection is that its expressing something a little bit more edgy.’
Whatever. He’s a virtual no-name who just hitched his cart to her tabloid notoriety to get free press for his shitty clothes, and she’s a drug addict who just wants instant access to all his German coke dealer friends. It’s mutualistic symbiosis, but with more syphilis and stimulants.
Miranda Kerr in a bikini from an old GQ photoshoot, because I don’t wanna have to look at any more Lindsay Lohan today:
You might remember that I posted some pics from this bikini shoot back in August, and now we’ve got the finished product to admire. Those pics confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that Candice Swanepoel looks just as good in real life as she does in these overshopped catalog pics. Needless to say, I fucking hate her and I hope she dies in a fire. The end.
She’s been name-dropping Mikoh Swimwear on her Twitter all summer, but now Leann Rimes is officially posing for the company. I don’t know that Mikoh Swimwear really thought this thing through, though. They’re gonna have to do a whole lot of photoshopping to get both of her tits to point the same direction in any of the photos.
If you have long black hair, brown eyes and a huge ass, then you should know you owe Kim Kardashian royalties for unauthorized use of her image, and she will sue you just like she’s suing Old Navy. It seems the retail giant was impertinent enough to use ethnic-looking model in their television commercials (see photo above) without her express written consent. TMZ says:
Kim is filing a lawsuit against [Old Navy] — claiming they intentionally used a look-alike in an effort to dupe the public into thinking Kim was affiliated with [the brand].
Kim is especially furious that Old Navy has been tweeting to her page about the look-alike — in an effort to gain even more publicity.
One of those tweets read, “@CBSNEWS reports that Old Navy’s Super CUTE star looks like @kimkardashian. #LOL. What do you think?”
We’re told Kim believes the copycat campaign has damaged her wallet somewhere in the range of $15 to $20 million.
Perhaps Kim has never been to the Philippines. Or South America. Or the Middle East, or India, or Central America, or Mexico, where 98% of the population is short and swarthy with long black hair and brown eyes. Why not just sue entire third world while you’re at it? I’m sure it’d be more cost-effective, you self-important cunt.
Old Navy model in question Melissa Molinaro, who is superior to Kim Kardashian in every sense of the word imaginable:
Former Sports Illustrated model and “Planet of the Apes” star Estella Warren is in jail today after hitting three parked cars while driving drunk in L.A. last night. But wait — it gets better! After she was arrested for DUI, she then kicked the arresting officer and even managed to escape police custody by shimmying out of her handcuffs. I believe the term we’re looking for here is “balls-out.” TMZ says:
Warren was driving [just before midnight] in L.A. when she struck 3 parked cars in her Toyota Prius. Warren drove away but cops spotted her and placed her under arrest for driving under the influence, though not before she resisted and kicked an officer.
Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs, and during the booking process she managed to get out of her handcuffs and then run out the back door! Warren was quickly recaptured.
Warren is being booked for felony escape, assault, hit and run and DUI.
As one law enforcement source [said], “She was really hammered.” Warren’s bail has set at $100,000.
You’d think Estella would be happy that she proved her agent wrong by actually getting arrested in this town after “Kangaroo Jack,” but no. Some people just don’t appreciate irony.
You couldn’t turn around these days without getting slapped in the puss by a Kardashian — unless you retreated to your local department store’s tween formal wear section, a sanctum they had yet to infiltrate. Until now, that is. The Daily Mail says:
15-year-old Kendall Jenner is seen here modeling prom dresses for designer Sherri Hill.
Kendall is fast establishing herself as a top American teen model.
She has already been involved with campaigns for the likes of Forever 21, Luca Couture… and Nordstrom.
Kim took to her blog to gush about the shots, saying: ‘I can’t believe how stunning Kendall looks in her final shots for Sherri Hill prom dresses! These pictures are so gorgeous!’
Good luck trying to find an excuse for hanging out in the preteen dress section at Dillard’s now. And for the record, taffeta doesn’t really shield against pepper spray as well as you would think.
With Kylie at the premiere of “Yeastly” “Beastly” last week:
Here’s Irina Shayk, Sports Illustrated cover model and girlfriend to soccer player (football to the rest of you goofs) Cristiano Ronaldo, here in Madrid for the Xti 2011-2012 shoe collection at IFEMA. Lucky bastard really scored when he got her. I bet he dribbles his balls into her goal every night. She probably gives good header. I’m sure her boobs are good for juggling practice too. I never thought I’d be using soccer terms to make sexual innuendos, but that’s what happens when you have too much time on your hands.
The last time I saw this much sexy, it was inside a dive bar and serving me drinks. I call it an “It” since it was so encrusted with makeup and the patina of years of cigarette smoke exposure that I’m not sure it was still quite a woman. At least I only had to give the thing in the bar a few bucks in a tip; who knows how much they’re still paying Kate Moss for photoshoots. I’d tell them, next time, just visit your local bar. It would be so much more affordable.
In Rio de Janeiro for an upcoming Brazilian Vogue photoshoot. I hope their Photoshop artists are warming up.
