Heidi Montag refused to attend her sister Holly’s 26th birthday party at Empire Hollywood on Saturday when the venue refused her demands for an “appearance” fee. What are birthdays, really, other than a chance to make money off your loved ones? Fuck them. The NY Daily News says

“Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid,” an insider [said]. “I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting.”

Heidi’s husband, Spencer Pratt, was also a no-show.

In her defense, you couldn’t pay me enough to show up to one of my relatives’ birthday party, either. Unless there’s an open bar, in which case I won’t be leaving unless it’s on a stretcher or in a set of handcuffs. Call me, Grandma!

Shooting a scene for “The Hills” with Stephanie Pratt:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Courtney Love’s life continues to sink ever further into her own self-made Hole of Suck. Look for her soon at bumming coins at your local gas station! Now Magazine explains,

Courtney Love’s crazy lifestyle is finally taking its toll. In a text to a friend, she said: ‘I’m f***ed now, dude. 
I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn’t had a decent meal and I’m getting evicted.’

The 45-year-old widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain looked alarmingly haggard recently as she strolled near the New York Mercer Hotel, where she’s currently living.

Courtney has no means of paying her hotel bill after being denied access to the £750,000 trust fund set up for her daughter Frances, 17.

‘Courtney’s a complete shopaholic,’ says a source. ‘She’s been to counselling, but attended only one session. She’ll think nothing of blowing thousands like Michael Jackson did, but she hasn’t got his millions. She could end up on the street now.’

Last month, the ex-Hole singer revealed that she was living off the generosity of hotel staff, saying: ‘They’re the best staff in the world. When my bank account got frozen, we had $14.32 [£9] a week, so we lived off the kindness of strangers.’

It’s been revealed that Courtney owes £220,000 [$358,798] to American Express and is being sued by her security guards for missing payments totalling £38,000 [$61,974.20].

In April she employed ‘forensic accountants’ to track down and retrieve more than £19 million [$30 million] that she claims can’t be accounted for.

How exactly in holy hell do you misplace $30 million dollars? Like Oops, wonder what happened to my car keys, I’ve misplaced them. Except in this case, it’s like, Oops, I misplaced a fucking mountain of cash that probably weighs more than my drug-emaciated body. And therein lies the answer to the mystery. Congratulations, Courtney Love, you’ve had your hands on more money than the vast majority of us not-so-fortunate peasants will ever even get to look at, screwed up your life, probably ensured that your daughter will end up as fucked up as you, and blown your millions away on drugs and really bad clothes. I hope someone gives you a ribbon that says, “I Win at Sucking”.

Rejoice! Your faith in Christian Bale can now be restored — his mother and sister filed those unfortunate assault charges earlier this week after he refused them a $200,000 loan. It’s all starting to make sense now! According to The Sun

The women said sister Sharon needed [$200,000] to help her bring up her three children. Christian was asked to loan [it to] her but refused and that caused an almighty row. Sources close to Bale said Jenny inflamed the situation by hurling insults about his wife.

[His mother and sister say] they did not want any publicity. But they say he bullied them. They are both devastated that it has come to this but want him to be taught a lesson.

You can always count on relatives to show up at an inopportune time and start demanding money. Especially in my family, where the monetary demands occasionally come with a court-ordered paternity test. Did I mention I’m from the South? Woo doggie! Cue the banjo music and the moonshine jug any time now.

At the Dark Knight premiere in Spain (1 & 2) and in London:

Although it seems impossible without the aid of bonfires, Britney Spears has somehow managed to lose nearly $61 million dollars in the last year. According to In Touch Magazine

In addition to the enormous tab for legal bills, rehab and psychiatric care, Britney’s inability to work has cost her a fortune. “By not touring for her last album [Blackout], she lost out on $50 million,” estimates an LA-based CPA. ““It’s staggering how much money has been used up.”

Britney Spears has spent the last six months and the same pair of raggedy-ass boots and covered in stains, so I doubt she’s blowing her money on clothes. I’m thinking more along the lines of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Phillip Morris. Not the actual companies, of course. I’m talking buckets of chicken and smokes. Merrill-Lynch might have tried to point her along the lines of long-term growth, but last time I checked, you couldn’t deep-fry dividends. Plus their pie model of capital structure doesn’t even come with whipped cream! Who are they trying to kid? It’s Britney, bitch!

Working off her return: