What’s better than one post of Kate Beckinsale? Two posts of Kate Beckinsale within 24 hours of each other. You’re welcome. I like Grey Goose vodka and dark chocolate truffles if you’d like to send those along as thanks.

Amber Heard showed up to the premiere of The Rum Diary in a fire engine-red gown slit up to here and towering spike stilettos. The great thing for her about being a lesbian is that she can go home and bitch about how much her shoes were killing her, and her girlfriend can actually sympathize with her instead of giving her a blank stare and the question, “Then why do you wear them if they hurt so much”? I suppose there are benefits to being in a peen-less relationship.

These people lining up to see Meloncholia are going to feel pretty stupid when they realize they didn’t have to pay $15 just to see Kirsten Dunst’s boobs. They could have come here to see them for free. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re the smart ones, my friends. Don’t say I never did anything nice for you.

Lindsay Lohan is intent on getting back into the acting business, and rumor has it that she’s being considered for the role of murder victim Sharon Tate in an upcoming movie about Charles Manson. At this point, pretty much any movie that shows her getting hacked into pieces would appeal to the public at large, but it’s definitely a start. TMZ says:

The movie’s called “Eyes of a Dreamer” and is being produced by one of the guys who did “Monster” with Charlize Theron.

The part of Charles Manson will be played by celeb photographer Tyler Shields — whose work you might recognize — and Tyler’s directing the whole shebang.

There are also indications that she may play the role of a villainess in the new Superman reboot. I’m guessing a “Lex Luther’s coke whore gets exposed to gamma radiation” kinda thing. Radar Online says:

“Lindsay plans to return from New York on Wednesday and meet with producers and read with an actor who is up for the role of Lex Luther,” a source close to the actress [said].

The film’s powerbrokers remain interested in casting her in a role as a villain.

Lohan had wanted the role of Superman’s love-interest Lois Lane, but is said to be excited with the news that producers are still considering her for another gig in the much anticipated film, despite all her issues

There aren’t a lot of evil chicks intent on destroying Superman in the comics, so they’ll have to custom-create a whole new character for her. Luckily, I’ve already got the perfect villainess role in the works — by day, she’s the mild-mannered Jen Ittall-Wort; but by night, she terrorizes the city as the phantom “Burning Itch.” Or maybe the phantom “Fire Crotch.” I haven’t decided just yet. I’m still kinda ironing out all the details.

At the “Source Code” premiere last week:

Can you think of anyone’s face who you’d like to see enlarged on a movie screen than Pete Doherty? Your dreams have come true, because he’s been cast in a period drama. Says Celebrity Fix,

Brave producers have cast the drug-addled muso in an adaptation of the French novel La Confession d’un Enfant du Siècle playing the womanising poet Alfred de Musset alongside Charlotte Gainsbourg as the female lead.

I suppose if you wanted someone to authentically look the part of a French citizen in the 1800′s, then you could do no better than Pete Doherty. Infrequent bathing? Check. Body odor? Check. Bad teeth? Check. A pale, diseased-looking appearance? Check check check. I’m only hoping that they have someone on standby to douse Charlotte Gainsbourg’s mouth with Listerine and one of those decontamination scrub-downs when she has to do a love scene with him.

There’s always drama with the Lohan clan, so what could be more natural fodder for a movie script? The Lohans are pretending they’re not delighted to be getting more attention drawn to them, so what’s the best way to up the ante? File a lawsuit. TMZ says,

Producers of “Dogs in Pocketbooks” — a movie pretty clearly based on Lindsay Lohan’s wild ride — may have to open their own pocketbooks, because the Lohan clan is considering legal action.

As we told you yesterday, “Dogs” is based on a spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on.

Lydia Hearst, Lindsay’s spitting image, will star in the movie.

Dina Lohan says the new movie “is definitely based on Lindsay’s likeness,” and “We have a very strong case. It’s shadowing E*TRADE” — referring to Lohan’s suit against the online brokerage firm which produced a commercial featuring a baby Lindsay.

Now we’ve learned Lohan’s family lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, has been contacted by the Lohan family and it seems Ovadia thinks they have a case: “They are again using her likeness without her being compensated.”

Ovadia adds, “Not only that but they are advertising the fact that they are using her likeness.”

Dina warns, “Anyone bringing negativity will be dealt with accordingly.”

Oh please beeyatch. You hear “spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on”, who else are you going to think of but Lindsay? You could slap a wig on a springer spaniel and everyone would know who you’re talking about. Believe me, I know. They asked my dog to play the part, but she was really offended.

In a Benn Jaye photoshoot:

The trailer for Mel Gibson’s new stinkbomb “The Beaver” is out now, and holy shit is it bad. Words just don’t do it justice. Honestly, the only way it could be any worse is if it also starred Ernest P. Worrell and a couple of Psychlos.

Angelina Jolie sort-of confirmed that she will be playing Marilyn Monroe in an upcoming movie at the UK premiere of “Salt” last night — a big screen adaptation of a book written from the perspective of the iconic screen siren’s dog. I’ll give you a minute to process that. The Daily Mail says:

The actress is set to play Monroe in an adaptation of Andrew O’Hagan’s “The Life And Opinions Of Maf The Dog And Of His Friend Marilyn Monroe,” the author revealed at the Edinburgh Book Festival yesterday.

And George Clooney has been lined up to play Monroe’s close friend Frank Sinatra, O’Hagan confirmed, adding that production on the film would begin soon.

When asked about the film [on the red carpet at the UK premiere of "Salt"], she laughed and said she “would have to call and ask George Clooney” about it.

Angelina Jolie and George Clooney don’t usually attach themselves to stinkers, but Christ does it sound awful. To be fair, I’ve never read the book. But I didn’t have to read “Superbabies Take Manhattan” or “Bio-Dome 2: Through the Portal of Time” to know they sucked, either. Call it my writer’s intuition.

UPDATE: The L.A. Times is saying that Angelina’s camp has denied that she’s involved with this movie. All I can say is, I sure as hell hope so.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Essence Magazine has their kinte cloth knickers in a wad because Angelina Jolie is slated to appear as Cleopatra. Says the Herald Sun,

The Egyptian queen was famously played by Elizabeth Taylor in 1963, but the proposed remake has sparked controversy over Jolie’s suitability for the role.

Scott Rudin, who is producing the film, has said that Jolie has “the perfect look” for the Queen who lured Marc Anthony to her side, but his words have angered the African American community.

Essence Magazine has been quoted asking, “Another White Actress to Play Cleopatra?”

“I don’t care how full Angelina Jolie’s lips are, how many African children she adopts, or how bronzed her skin will become for the film, I firmly believe this role should have gone to a black woman.”

“Were Vanessa Williams, Halle Berry and Thandie Newton unavailable for auditions that day?”

Steven Soderberg, director of Ocean’s 11, is set to direct the film, with Jolie’s partner Brad Pitt among the mentions to play the Queen’s lover Marc Anthony.

I would totally agree with them, except for that little fact that Cleopatra was part of the Ptolemaic Dynasty, who were Greek. Now, if they really want to be authentic, they’d have a hairy pregnant Cleopatra cooking and cleaning while the men have sex with each other. What? I’m just trying to be authentic, yo.

In Venice on the set of The Tourist:

The movie posters for Lindsay Lohan’s new Linda Lovelace biopic “Inferno” were released yesterday, and I just wanna say one thing — this is clearly the role she was porn to play! Ha ha ha! Get it? You know, porn? Instead of… God, I hate myself.

Stone-cold sober in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin Online

50 Cent dropped over fifty pounds for his upcoming role in some new movie I’ll never see and can’t be bothered to look up, so I’m just going to say it’s obviously a movie about the HIV epidemic in sub-Saharan Africa. Just look at him. He looks like he should be squatting over a goat carcass with a bone through his nose, explaining the “bad blood virgin cure” to the nine-year old he’s about to rape. They’ll call it “Somalia,” and the tag line will read, “Because 10,000 pirates can’t be wrong!” Fin.

Lindsay Lohan has been telling anybody who’ll listen that she’s playing “Deep Throat” star Linda Lovelace in a new biopic about the famous porn-icon-turned-feminist’s life. Except of course that isn’t actually happening. Page Six says

LINDSAY Lohan is telling friends that she’ll play notorious “Deep Throat” (1972) star Linda Lovelace in [the new movie] “Lovelace.”

But there’s one problem: “Lovelace” directors Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman told us they haven’t signed Lohan as their star. Epstein said, “Definitely not true for our project. We can’t speak for any other project out there unrelated to our team.”

I suppose she thought she’d be the first actress that came to mind when the words “Deep Throat” came up (EDIOTR’S NOTE: ha ha!) and assumed she’d naturally be a lock for the starring role. Well, that’s why you don’t count your chickens before they hatch, folks. Poor girl. It’s practically “A Minge Too Far” and “Shitty Shitty Gang Bang” all over again.

Leaving her house at two in the morning:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News