Rapper Kanye West posted a short Spike Jonze-directed film titled “We Were Once A Fairytale” on his blog on Monday and then promptly pulled it down, presumably because it sucks so hard. The Daily Mail says

[The video] follows West, 32, on a drunken night out. He is seen having sex with a stranger, projectile vomiting blood and then stabbing himself in the stomach.

At this point, a demon emerges from the depth of his stomach. The creature subsequently stabs itself with a small sword.

Slap a blond wig on Kanye’s stomach rodent and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Lindsay Lohan will look like in ten years. Except, you know, freckles instead of fur and probably more ball sacks in the background.

Stills from the film:

I would call Paris Hilton a lot of things. “Slut Machine”, “STD Distribution Machine”, “Useless Twat Machine” perhaps, but not “Promotion Machine”, which is what her lawyer is calling her. Digital Spy explains,

Paris Hilton’s lawyer has branded her a “promotion machine” following allegations that she failed to publicise her 2006 movie Pledge This!, reports BBC.

The socialite has been sued for $8.3 million by the Worldwide Entertainment Group, which has alleged that she refused to promote the DVD release of the 2006 sorority comedy.

Speaking in a Miami court yesterday, attorney Michael Weinstein said: “[She] was a promotion machine. For two-and-a-half years she relentlessly promoted that movie.”

The WEG has suggested that Hilton’s alleged refusal to promote the project was directly responsible for its failure. She was paid $1 million to star in the picture, but it only grossed around $2.9 million worldwide.

A lawyer for the company said: “At no time would she take ten minutes to do a phone interview… It might have made a difference. It would have done better.”

Weinstein told the court that Hilton had been unhappy with the final edit of the movie but insisted that she had not refused to promote it, although he admitted that her busy schedule meant she could not accomodate all the producers’ requests.

Let’s take a quick vote. Anyone ever heard of this movie? Raise your hands. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Okay, no. I hereby declare the defendant guilty on all charges, and whatever else I feel like bringing against her. She shall immediately be removed and airdropped into Al-Qaeda territory. Case dismissed!

Arriving for day 2 at court

What will bring Mel Gibson back to the big screen, you say? A chance to get his hand up a beaver, that’s what! E!Online reports,

E! News can confirm that the Hollywood heavyweights, who last costarred in a movie together 15 years ago in Maverick, are set to join forces again for The Beaver.

A quirky comedy drama along the lines of 2007’s indie hit Lars and the Real Girl (or, depending on your humor, South Park), the Kyle Killen-penned script follows a down-and-out man (Gibson) who finds comfort wearing a beaver hand puppet. Foster will not only play his wife, but she’ll also helm the film, marking her first directing effort since 1995’s Home for the Holidays.

Well, if there’s anything that would draw apparent opposites lesbian Jodie Foster and chauvinist Mel Gibson together, it’s the love of the beaver.No word yet on whether the beaver puppet will be sporting sugartits.

If so, you’re in luck! And if so, you need some serious help! There’s something not quite right with girlfriend’s face. It’s like Barbie got hit by radioactive fallout or something. New York Post reports,

Lydia Hearst is about to get all hot and bothered at a theater near you. The blond heiress has a sex scene with Jason Behr in the opening reel of “The Last International Playboy,” which opens June 12. Later, Hearst, who plays a model named Stella, gets topless as she and Behr, as a booze-swilling Manhattan skirt-chaser, strip off their shirts.

If you don’t want to wait, you could always get one of those wind-up chattering teeth and some great big googly eyes and you’d have the same thing.

At the Conde Nast Media Group’s 5th Anniversary of Fashion Rocks in New York, desperately needing a sandwich:

Lumbering behemoth Russell Crowe used his giant gut to push Sienna Miller out of Ridley Scott’s new movie “Nottingham.” Page Six claims

Miller, who was to play Maid Marian, left the movie [on Friday] after being “put on hold” while shooting was pushed back from February to April.

An insider said, “Russell never lost the weight he put on for ‘Body of Evidence’ - and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He’s so old and fat and she’s so young and gorgeous. It’s just . . . gross.”

Producers are “looking for an older, plumper actress to play the role so [Crowe] doesn’t look like a paunchy grandpa. Someone in her late 30s or early 40s.”

Candidates for the replacement Maid Marion are said to include Oscar-winner Kathy Bates, actress Camryn Manheim, and Whiskers the West Indian manatee.

BONUS: The new video for The Hours’ ‘See The Light’ starring Sienna as a mental patient after the jump. Sienna grocery shopping in London (below):

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By all accounts the new Star Trek movie sucks donkey, but there’s still a chance you might get to see boobs, so… SOLD! The Sun says

The new movie… reveals the secrets of Captain Kirk’s teen years and his first years in Starfleet. And he also gets to grips with the sexy young Uhura, played by Zoe Saldana, in a steamy bed scene.

I think I speak for all Star Trek fans when I say, “majQa’! nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’?” which of course is Klingon for “Well-done! Where is the bathroom?” I guess it kinda loses some of its bite in the translation.

Backstage at W, Spring 2009 Fashion Week:

Given the recent success of the Sex And The City movie, the most hotly anticipated film of 1997 is finally here: a movie version of the TV series “Friends.” According to Daily Mail

Cast members Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc, Lisa Kudrow and David Schwimmer will reprise their roles for a big-screen adaptation ‘within the next 18 months’, according to insiders. The project… will be produced by Warner Bros.

An R-rated version of Friends means we can expect to see Rachel’s and Monica’s tits and hear Chandler bandy about the f-word and see a lot more ass in Joey’s sex scenes, all without a laugh track. I’m sure people are going to want to cough up $8.50 for that kind of ground-breaking cinema. Or they could just wad up the eight-fifty and take a dump on it. Either way, you’re sure to get your money’s worth.

UPDATE: OK! Magazine is reporting that the movie is NOT happening.

Jennifer Aniston at La Famiglia restaurant last week:

Lindsay Lohan’s career managed to surface from the shitter and cling precariously to the rim of the bowl on Monday when producers of her new romantic comedy “Labor Pains” finally found someone stupid enough to insure her. According to Rush and Molloy

“Labor Pains” producer Rick Schwartz kept getting turned down by insurers. “[Schwartz] could only find one insurance company to cover her, and even then he really had to vouch for her.”

[A Plum Pictures spokesperson said] “Our insurance and bond reps have been impressed with her good behavior. Whatever personal issues she may have had in the past, it is clear to me that work is her total priority. She wants to make this role and this film a success, and I truly believe in her.”

Well, here’s one guy who has no problem attesting to her work ethic: Bobby Brown’s son Landon. Showbiz Spy reveals

Landon enjoyed a fling with Lindsay Lohan in a nightclub’s toilets [in 2006. Landon said,] “Lindsay followed me to the bathroom during a party and, well, we basically got together. We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in. I think she knew who I was.”

So would that be considered “working hard,” or “hardly working?” Ha ha! We all know it doesn’t really matter as long as the word “hard” is involved. Or the word “penis.” She’s a real workhorse when it comes to hard penis.

Singer Hillary Duff stars as a Russian pop star who likes dropping poisonous arthropods in her pants while John Cusack pats himself down with a hanky in a new movie entitled “War, Inc.” Now, as far as sexy venomous critters go, I suppose the scorpion is the logical choice, but I still would have liked the tongue-in-cheek calembour of a good Box Jellyfish or a Bushmaster snake. Or just plain “AIDS,” “Great White Shark armed with assault rifle,” or anything that guaranteed Hilary Duff never made another album or shitty movie I’d have to write about again.

Lindsay Lohan is bound and determined to flex the ol’ acting muscle with her latest movie role. According to The Sun

Lindz has reportedly sealed a deal to strip naked in a new movie called Florence. Star magazine claim the 21-year-old will be paid just £37,500 for the opportunity to play a sex mad waitress. A source tells the magazine: “She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring.”

Surely such a stretch will be worthy of Academy gold! She should consider other equally challenging roles like “washed-up former child star turned coke addict” or “penis-gobbing scourge of L.A.” I can almost smell the Oscars from here!

Lindsay leaving Nicole Richie’s house on Monday:

In what’s sure to be the short straw draw for the good folks over at Pajiba, singer-turned-actor Justin Timberlake sports a porn-cheese mustache and a bulging crotch for his role in the upcoming cinematic masterpiece “The Love Guru.” But wait — there’s more! According The Daily Mail

In the comedy, which also stars Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba, Justin plays athlete Jacque Grande who steals the wife of a star hockey player. Meyers plays a love guru called Pitka - an American raised outside of his country by gurus - who returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business.

The Love Guru will open in UK cinemas in July.

If they’d just thrown Jessica Simpson and Jack Black into the mix, “The Love Guru” could have probably ascended to the throne currently held by “Little Nicky” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” It’s got all the key elements: hairy crotches, close-ups of the hairy crotches, Jessica Alba, and bulging hairy crotches. Did I mention the hairy crotches? Ha, ha! It’s funny because his swimming suit is really small, there’s a big bulge where the wiener is supposed to be, and he has a seventies’ mustache. I call that the “trifecta of comedy.” Years from now, this movie will be shown in lecture halls to aspiring film students murmuring aloud with wonderment. “Note the low-angle shot on the crotch!” the professor will say. “Dig deeper! Pubes, yes, good, good! We’ve barely scratched the surface!” That’s also probably about the time the super computers become self-aware and start harvesting our bodies for power. The future’s a pretty bleak place.

Are you prepared to get “Carried away” this way May? Yeah, me neither. The official Sex and the City movie trailer finally arrived online today. To be honest, I liked this movie better when it was called “Golden Girls” and aired in syndication on the Lifetime Network. This version has way too many Blanche Deverauxs. It’s like watching those women in television commercials who sit around the table discussing the trouble with their brand-name denture adhesives/irregularity/bone density talking about waxing their beavers and doing anal instead. In New Line’s defense, “cinema gold” and “cinema old” sound a lot alike. Of course, so does “cinema gold” and “enema mold,” but that doesn’t always translate to a box office success, either.