The only way Eva Longoria’s MTV Europe Music Awards rap could be any less funny is if they just showed slow-motion footage of orphans getting their limbs blown off by landmines while Carlos Mencia beat-boxed in the background. This is exactly the kind of “funny” they’ll be piping over the speakers in Hell. Trust.

At the “Latinos Living the American Dream” premiere in L.A. last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

I mistakenly reported that Lady Gaga’s VMAs meat dress was a fake yesterday, because I naturally just assumed MTV hadn’t put listeria and e. coli on the guest list. Turns out her dress was made of real beef. About 25 pounds of it, to be exact. And just look at how pretty it looked just 24 hours later (click header for closeup)! The NY Daily News says:

Peter Cacioppo, head butcher at Ottomanelli Brothers on the upper East Side, wasn’t impressed with Gaga’s fleshy frock.

“There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks,” he said. “The best you’ve got is the flank steak on top of her head.”

He said about 25 pounds of meat went into the carnivore couture.

“It ain’t refrigerated,” said Cacioppo. “It’s probably stinking bad. She’s in the lights: It’s cooking.”

But there was a good reason she exposed everyone to tapeworms, hookworms and various pathogenic bacteria — it’s because gay people can’t sacrifice themselves in the name of foreign oil interests:

Gaga said she wasn’t making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military… or something.

“If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones,” she said. “And I am not a piece of meat.”

Ooh, that’s really deep, isn’t it? I’m drowning in the sea of her metaphor, sinking into the beefy tide of her political statement. No, wait — that’s the Jim Beam. My mistake. Carry on!

“Beating your meat” never seemed so appealing:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It seems that some people were very offended when Black Eyed Peas bandleader Will.i.am joined Nicki Minaj onstage at the VMA’s pre-show last night with his face painted black. Will.i.am, you’ll note, is already black to begin with. Us Magazine says:

“Will.i.am. wearing blackface!? What a racist!” fakeart123 tweeted.

Adds TSCMoncton, “Anyone notice that Will.i.am painted himself in blackface? I sure hope there’s some kind of meaning behind a stunt like that.”

Blackface — which first gained popularity during the 19th century — typically promotes racist stereotypes toward African Americans.

In addition to his face paint, Will.i.am wore head-to-toe black (including a shiny hair piece in the shape of a side-mohawk).

“Will.i.am just sent us back 1,000 yrs… Really sir, #Blackface in front the grey ppl!” IAm_Danie wrote of his appearance.

Um, once again, Will.i.am is black. He is a BLACK. MAN. Seriously, am I taking crazy pills here? Has the whole goddamn world gone insane?

There were lots of celebrities doing the red carpet thing at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Like “Twilight’s” Ashley Greene, who looked fantastic. She’s like some kind of sexy present in that dress. And speaking of sexy presents, my birthday is coming up, soooo… if any of you were wondering, this is exactly what I want. But I want the one with the real kung-fu grip. And also any cowgirl/sexy nurse accessories she might come with.

TONS more red carpet pics after the jump:

Katy Perry:

Ke$ha:

Lady Gaga:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

(more…)

The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and I am contractually obligated to talk about it, so let’s talk about it, shall we? It was alright, I guess, for an award show sponsored by the soul-sucking corporate conglomeration responsible for the talentless and plastic being propped up by the media machines intent on capitalizing on their image. You know, as those things go.

The night kicked off with a hilariously embarrassing pre-taped Lindsay Lohan skit (see above) in which she admonishes host Chelsea Handler about her drinking. Ha ha, get it? Because Lindsay was in jail for drinking! It’s ironic, see? Us Magazine says:

VMAs host Chelsea Handler, wearing a pre-show robe, encounters Lohan backstage.

“Hello, Chelsea,” Lohan says. “Have you been drinking?”

Handler denies it, but Lohan asks: “Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?” pointing a blinking device on Handler’s leg.

The comedienne explains: “That just means my table’s ready at Cheesecake Factory.” Lohan then gets tough, grabbing Handler: “Wake up Handler! Pull it together! You’re late! [for the show]”

“You turned your life around,” Handler surmises. “Maybe I can too.”

Just because you have to piss in a cup twice a week and give it to a probation officer doesn’t mean you’ve embraced sobriety and turned your life around. The skit would have been a lot funnier if she actually had proven she was sober. But I digress. Let’s move on to Taylor Swift, who, incidentally, still hasn’t moved on from Kanye West storming the stage when she accepted her Best Female Video award last year. In fact, she’s here to sing a song about it:

And then Kanye responded to her melodious offer of forgiveness with a toast to the “douchebags, the assholes, the jerkoffs and the scumbags.” Man, this never gets old!

And then Lady Gaga won every meaningless award possible, changed dresses three times, and finally ended up wearing a frock made of (fake) meat that exposed her ass. That’s about all I remember. By that point I was too busy mourning the part of me that died inside after having to watch it. And by “mourning” I mean “drinking.” I find disgust and disillusionment go down a lot easier with a bottle of tequila.

The first of the Russell Brand/Britney Spears VMA’s commercials hit the airwaves yesterday, and in this one, Russell and and a bikini-clad Britney communicate telepathically. So MTV’s brilliant advertising campaign is basically thirty seconds of Britney hearing voices in her head. What a stretch, huh? Maybe next they can shoot one where it burns when she pees or another where she chokes trying to swallow an entire fruit pie without chewing.

Performing in Madison Square Gardens:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

Paris Hilton’s stank is apparently so off-putting that her “friends” have to be paid to trepass into the herpetic Chernobyl dead-zone that surrounds her. MSNBC dishes,

After watching Hilton’s friendship with Nicole Richie run its natural, unedited course on “The Simple Life,” it’s disheartening to learn that aspiring rocker Brittany Flickinger was recently crowned the heiress’s BFF on MTV in name only.

“Paris told friends she only hung with Brittany because she was obligated to,” a source told Us. Come next season, “she said they’re going to have a fight that ends the ‘friendship.’”

That girl will probably have to be put into a clean room, stripped naked, have lye thrown on her and scrubbed down with long-handled brushes by people in masked plastic suits before she’ll be free from the taint of association with the Parisite.

Paris looking like a knobby-kneed giraffe in shoes at a photoshoot for FILA on Venice Beach.

Britney Spears’ new 90 minute MTV documentary “Britney: For The Record” features behind-the-scenes footage of her talking candidly about her life over the past two years. And by “talking candidly,” I of course mean “whining like the ungrateful little twat she is.” The Daily Mail quotes her saying of her new life

“There’s no excitement, there’s no passion. I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day. I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening.

If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time. I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free. I think I’ve learnt my lesson now and enough is enough.”

Yes, there certainly was a lot more “passion” and “excitement” back in the good ol’ days when she was shaving herself bald, holding her children hostage and eating food laced with psychotropic drugs. Can’t argue with that. Poor, poor Britney. It’s like asking someone to choose a lifetime of “relative success” and “structure” over a lifetime of “socially-isolated circus clown with a weight problem and a meth habit.” I think it’s pretty obvious where true happiness lies. Some choices just make themselves!

Leaving Sur restaurant last night with her new model boyfriend Marco D’Angelo:

Singer Katy Perry attempted “quirkiness” with a subtlety only previously seen in a Diablo Cody script by jumping into, rather than out of, a cake onstage during her performance at MTV’s Latin America Awards in Guadalajara last night. Naturally, hilarity ensued. I lost count of the number of times she fell down. I was laughing too hard to tell, anyway. Anybody who’s ever wallowed in a giant dessert knows that frosting is second only to an oil slick in terms of slipperiness. And anyone who’s ever fornicated with a dessert knows you can use it to piece together a trite and cliched comedy and rake in millions. Which is precisely why my new business model consists entirely of meringue and mini-van size eclairs. Call me, Katy!

I kissed the floor, and I liked it:

The 2008 Verizon and Tag Body Spray MTV Video Music Awards were last night, and the big winner of the evening? Hold on to your extensions! People Magazine says

It was Britney’s night!

The pop star made a triumphant return to MTV’s Video Music Awards, winning three Moonmen, including the night’s big honor, video of the year, for her hit “Piece of Me.” She looked a little nervous at first, but proved to be in fighting form in a vintage silver Versace minidress.

And there you have it, folks. After sixteen nominations, Britney finally won big. I suppose that was the “highlight” of the evening. And yes, there were highlights. I’m pretty sure there were. There had to be. It was like seven goddamn hours long. Maybe if I close my eyes tight and think real hard, I could remember a couple of them for you. Let’s see…

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE 2008 VMAS

10. When nobody tells Rihanna or her rat tail that there’s toilet paper tucked in the back of her leather diaper. Tee hee!

9. When I realize that somebody must have finally hit Pete Wentz with a car, because he appears to be wearing a neck brace.

8. When the Jonas Brothers come straight from their shift at the Soda Shoppe to give an acoustic rendition of “Love Bug.” The only way this song could be any gayer is if it were sung by Andy Dick on Turkish Bath Night.

7. When MTV cuts Katy Perry’s version of “Like a Virgin” to less than twenty seconds. Strangely, I now feel like a virgin, because my vagina seems to have sewn itself shut.

6. The 33 seconds out of four total minutes L’il Wayne doesn’t have his hand on his junk during his performance.

5. When I see that hey, Bootsy Collins isn’t dead after all! But why is he dressed like black Uncle Sam?

4. When rapper T.I. mysteriously performs without me getting a UTI. It’s a VMA miracle!

3. When I went outside for ten minutes to smoke pot.

2. When I spent another twenty minute debating the decline of pop music and where to assign blame for the current state of MTV, conveniently missing Pink’s and Miley Cyrus’ performances.

and the number one highlight of the 2008 MTV VMA’s:

1. When the end credits finally started rolling.

Britney, Britney, Britney:

Lindsay Lohan:

Christina Aguilera:

Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry:

Rihanna and her rat tail:

Taylor Swift:

Because there just isn’t enough shit on television, Brody Jenner is getting his own “reality” show on MTV. Hear that? That was the sound of a million people dry-heaving at once. According to People

Bromance features guy contestants who “will compete… in hopes of joining [Jenner's] entourage. Each episode will feature one “group date” with Jenner and contestants will also get one-on-one time with him.

The contestants will be whittled down in “Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies.” Unlucky “bros” will be forced to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet, in their swimsuits, luggage in hand.

“Group date?” “Hot tub?!” “Dripping wet?!!” “Bachelor pad?!!” Jesus, why don’t they just call the show “Who Wants All of Their Buddies Back Home to Call Them a Faggot for the Rest of Their Lives?” At least there’s a little more dignity in that. “Bromance” sounds like it should be part of a personal ad for gays seeking casual sex. Single white male 5’10″ 185 seeks non-smoker male 18-45 for companionship, bromance, and all around good time! Must love gyms, cosmos, and barebacking on meth. Call 555-ANAL and ask for Brody.

Get ready to stomach a lot more of “The Hills’” Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Page Six reports

Spencer was overheard pitching [a new] show to MTV programming honcho Tony DiSanto. “Spencer was saying that [his] show ‘would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad. The show [would] go through the whole lead-up to the wedding… finding a wedding planner, hunting for a dress… The show would be a mix of ‘The Hills’ meets ‘Newlyweds.’ ”

Network insiders revealed, “Heidi and Spencer definitely have a deal in the works with MTV. ‘The Hills’ is a home run. It’s their highest-rated show. MTV isn’t obsessed with the idea, but they’d be crazy not to do it.”

Interestingly, the guy on TV in ten gallon hat and buck-skin shirt told me he’d be crazy to slash prices on deals this good, but there’s no stopping Crazy Al when it comes to savings on the new 2008 Ford Super Duty® trucks! At least each Super Duty® offers stowable bed extenders and best-in-class maximum payloads of over 6,000 pounds. All MTV has is Carson Daly’s leftovers and a bunch of fake reality shows full of stupid twats. I’d say it’s pret-ty obvious who’s the crazy one around these parts.