Rihanna’s latest video “Man Down” has stirred up all kinds of controversy in the last two days, but I’m just now getting around to it because it contained absolutely no naked Blake Lively photos. You see my dilemma. TMZ says:

The Parents Television Council is blasting Rihanna for hawking a “cold, calculated execution of murder” in her brand new music video for “Man Down.”

The council is outraged that Rihanna would suggest that gunning down a rapist in a crowded train station is a proper form of justice.

The PTC is all the more outraged that Rihanna tweeted her fans that the video contained, “a very strong underlying message 4 girls like me.”

Rihanna responded to the criticism yesterday with a series of tweets absolving herself of any wrongdoing in that she is a “rockstar” making “art,” not a parent. Her words, not mine. The Daily Mail says:

Rihanna has defended her controversial new music video Man Down, insisting ‘this is the real world’.

‘I’m a 23 year old rockstar with NO KIDS! What’s up with everybody wanting me to be a parent? I’m just a girl, I can only be your/our voice!’ she wrote.

‘The music industry isn’t exactly Parents R Us! We have the freedom to make art, LET US! Its your job to make sure they don’t turn out like US.’

Women are brutalized and exploited in music videos all the damn time, so I don’t see how a music video in which a girl brings down a little vigilante justice is such a big deal. If we’re gonna air grievances about the video, why don’t we start with the fact that the song sounds like a crappy Bob Marley cover band doing a ripoff of Aerosmith’s Janie Got a Gun with a little help from the Little Drummer Boy from the classic Christmas carol. Rum-pa-pa-pum? And I said it before, but it merits mentioning again — the video is sorely lacking in the Blake Lively nipple department. Ultimately, I think that’s where our real problem lies.

But it’s not short in the Rihanna nipple department, because she’s completely see-through in these screen grabs from the video:

31-year-old “Ugly Betty” and “Step Up 3D” actor* Michael Brea had a complete psychotic breakdown last night in which he butchered his own mother with a ceremonial Masonic sword after she turned into the devil incarnate in his apartment. The Long Island Press says:

Brea could be heard screaming “Repent, repent, repent!” and shouting other Biblical and masonic references.

Brea was also yelling, “architect of the universe,” a term that Freemasons use to refer to a supreme being. Brea was a member of the Freemasons and that he had been to a meeting earlier in the evening.

According to police sources, the Masonic sword Brea used to murder his mother was 3-feet long and supposed to be used for ceremonial use.

Brea was taken straight to Bellevue Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. There, he confessed that, “When I looked at my mother, I saw the devil.”

That’s practically one of my family Thanksgivings word for word. Only the sword is more passive-aggressiveness and shame than actual weapon, and the butchering comes in the form of getting drunk enough to throw up cranberry chutney on your sister’s pashmina. Happy holidays to you and yours from Yeeeah!

_{*I cannot confirm his roles in “Ugly Betty” or “Step Up 3D” as I’m not in the habit of watching crap, not even crap in two dimensions.}

La Toya Jackson has always been very vocal about her belief that brother Michael was murdered for his money; now, she believes she’s next on the killers’ hit list. According to MSNBC

It’s that alleged ability to name names that has La Toya Jackson concerned those mystery men might take aim at her.

“La Toya is convinced someone paid Michael’s personal physician, Conrad Murray, to kill him because they stood to gain up to $1 billion from his death,” an insider explained. “La Toya has been telling pals she can name the mysterious people Michael’s doctor was working with when Michael died.

She is convinced they killed her brother and wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to kill her as well. She says too many people have got too much to lose if the truth gets out. She fears for her life.”

Well, fortunately, she’s psychic, so she ought to see them coming a mile away, right? Or at least purge their aura and give them an accurate tarot reading before they pump her full of propofol and valium.

Dodging death at the 14th annual MOBO awards:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Ryan Jenkins, the “Megan Wants a Millionaire” contestant who murdered and viciously dismembered wife Jasmine Fiore last weekend, has been found dead of an apparent suicide in British Columbia. According to TMZ

The manager of the Thunderbird motel [says] Jenkins checked in on Friday. He was dropped off by a woman in her early 20s who drove a silver PT Cruiser with Alberta license plates. She stayed for about 20 minutes and wasn’t seen again. The room was paid for two days. When Jenkins didn’t check it out today, the manager and his nephew went to check on him. When there was no answer, they entered the room and found Jenkins hanging by his belt from a coat rack.

Royal Canadian Mounted Police Sgt. Duncan Pound said: “Preliminary evidence suggests that [Jenkins] took his own life. Any further details will not be released at this time as this investigation remains in its infancy.”

Wow. Cosmic retribution. Well, like Justin Timberlake says, “What goes around comes around.” He also says “See these shackles? Baby, I’m your slave” and “I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave,” but I don’t think those are really appropriate. Let’s try and keep it classy here.

A former Playboy model named Jasmine Fiore was found stuffed in a suitcase after being strangled to death in Orange County, California on Saturday, and her husband, reality star Ryan Jenkins, has presumably fled the country for Canada. You might recognize Jenkins from such hits as VH1′s “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” in which he competed with other wealthy suitors for the affections of “Rock of Love’s” butt-nugget Megan Hauserman. You might also recognize Jenkins from L.A. country district court, where he was sentenced to 15 months probation and mandatory counseling for “psychological domestic violence coping skills” and sex addiction after beating a girlfriend in 2005. TMZ says

Sheriff’s deputies in Washington state [say] that they believe Ryan Alexander Jenkins has escaped to Canada by foot.

- Yesterday evening a witness reported seeing someone matching Jenkins’ description driving a black BMW SUV (we know he owned one) with a boat in tow in a marina which is extremely close to the Canadian border.

- A short time later deputies found the boat and the SUV abandoned.

- A manhunt then began for Jenkins by land, sea, and air, conducted by federal agents, deputies, cops, and Canadian authorities.

- They were unable to find Jenkins and now think that he literally made a run for the border — crossing over by foot.

They could always put bloodhounds on the case. Guys like him leave a scent trail of cheap puss a mile long. Believe me, you just can’t shake the stank of peroxide, self-tanner, Victoria’s Secret body spray and ball sweat off your person, not to mention out of the trunk of your car. Not without using a lot of bleach and a pressure washer, anyway. The more you know…

See their blissfully trashy wedding photos here.

GRISLY UPDATE: Apparently the guy hacked off all her fingers and pulled out all her teeth before stuffing her in that suitcase. Sure makes my “dismembering a hooker” joke there at the end a lot less funny. Well, less funny than it already was. I’m not saying it was funny to begin with. Really? Well, then, fuck you. I don’t have to take this shit.

Although they have yet to formally present their case to the D.A., several inside sources claim that the LAPD is treating Michael Jackson’s death as a homicide. Their yet-unnamed culprit? Jackson’s personal physician, Dr. Conrad Murray. TMZ says

Law enforcement sources tell us the evidence points to the anesthesia Propofol as the primary cause of Jackson’s death… [and that] there is already “plenty of powerful evidence” linking Dr. Murray as the person who administered the drug to Jackson, including the Propofol, an IV stand and oxygen tank.

The LAPD has [also] had “multiple conversations” with the L.A. County District Attorney’s office.

A homo-cide? HOMOcide? Doesn’t that seem a little archaic a word choice in this day and age? “Fag-o-cide” or “butt-pirate-cide” would have just as easily sufficed and without stepping on the well-manicured tootsies of today’s modern queer. Let’s try and stay classy, Los Angeles Police Department.

Forget about MJ’s corpse today, shall we? Let’s hear about another living, breathing corpse. Pete Doherty is soon going to be in the hot seat about his possible involvement in the death of actor Mark Blanco in December of 2006. NineMSN reveals,

He fell to his death from the first floor of an East London apartment soon after a confrontation with Doherty and two others.

Police initially recorded the death as accidental and that he fell trying to jump to a lamppost, but a coroner has now ordered the investigation re-opened.

Blanco’s mother says Doherty “must face questioning” over the murder.

“I want the truth to come out,” she added.

The poor bugger was only trying to escape what he clearly thought was an apparition. You tell me if you saw that white clammy thing coming for you, you wouldn’t cry like a little girl and head like a bat out of hell for the nearest exit. Which in this case, was a window. Perhaps if Babyshambles breaks up, Doherty could pick up some extra work being Death’s sidekick. Yeah, he looks the part. Get him a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to the side that says, I’m with Death.

If you didn’t hear about it on Friday, Jennifer Hudson’s mom and brother were found dead from multiple gunshot wounds, and her nephew has also disappeared. Jennifer Hudson has also offered up a $100,000 reward for the return of the boy.  Times Online reports,

At a press conference over the weekend, Ms Hudson’s sister, Julia Hudson, pleaded for the safe return of her son.

“Give me my baby back,” she said. “That’s all I ask. I know he’s out there. Put him on the side of the street. Just let him go. I have to believe he is okay.”

The boy, Julian King, disappeared on Friday from the home of his grandmother, Darnell Donerson, 59, whose body was found there along with that of his uncle, Jason Hudson, 29. They all lived at the same address, along with Julia Hudson, 31, four years older than her Oscar-winning sister.

Now don’t worry, I’m not going to poke fun at a tragic situation*, since my Eternal Soul Stock recently dropped due to that little incident where I snatched a blind lady’s Down Syndrome baby and played Marco Polo with her. Apparently that’s not looked on too kindly in heaven.

*You however, are free to um, comment on Jennifer’s sister Julia and her son’s baby daddy, pictured above. Because, damn.

UPDATE: ABC News is reporting that the body of a young black boy recovered from a sport utility vehicle this morning is believed to be Jennifer Hudson’s missing 7-year-old nephew Julian King according to an FBI official. Official confirmation of the body is still pending, but the Amber Alert that was issued has been canceled, and Illinois state police are declining comment.