I was all ready to make some hackneyed joke about how “me likey the lychan,” because I was pretty sure Kellan Lutz was one of the werewolves in the new Twilight movie, and the technical name for werewolves is lycanthropes. Comedy gold, right? Yeah, I thought so. But then I thought, “Hang on, I better check to make sure that’s right,” because God forbid I say that dude’s a werewolf when he’s actually one of the Dolturi or whatever the hell they’re called. So then I find myself scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios when suddenly it occurs to me — “I’m fucking scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios.” Frankly, they just don’t pay me enough for that shit. You can do the research your own damn self.

British “glamour model” Jodie Marsh, who you might remember from such hits as “nipple belt” and “tie without shirt,” has taken a sudden interest in body building. The Daily Mail says

With her toned arms and the rippling muscles in her back, she looked completely different to her former glamour model self. The 30-year-old has dropped three dress sizes from a size 12 to a 6/8, [and she plans] to shed another half a stone and build up even bigger muscles.

Her routine consists of… [meeting with] her trainer two to three times a week, using a Swiss ball and doing free weights for an hour in total, and “sex and dancing in nightclubs.”

Sorry, Toady Jodie, but you don’t get guns like those just from having a lot of sex. If that were the case, I’d be the Incredible fucking Hulk^* by now. Abby angry! Abby smash!

_{* That’s assuming “sex with yourself” qualifies here.}

New Magazine photo shoot:

Tom Cruise and wife Model #4773A Katie Holmes are in Brazil this week for the premiere of Tom’s movie Valkyrie, and I’m sure you noticed that there’s something different about them. Namely, that Tom looks like he was irradiated by the detonation of a gamma bomb and Katie looks like she should be hunched over a bowl of gruel with flies in the corners of her eyes. Must be something in the water.

At the premiere of Valkyrie:

The new-found breadth and definition of Jake Gyllehaal’s upper body that suggests his testosterone levels are very high, and when you consider that testosterone has the negative effect of actually inhibiting the immune system, Jake’s obvious good health demonstrates a superior gene quality. Factor in the prominence of his brow and the masses of body hair, and I’d say all signs point to a real prowess for gathering food, building houses and defeating rivals — a suitable mate in every sense of the word! It guess it just doesn’t sound quite as sexy when you put in terms of the biological imperative.

Running with his personal trainer yesterday:

Before looking at these pictures of Hugh Jackman on the beach in Sydney, girls, you might want to assume the crouching position and make sure you’re directly over something that’s been bolted or welded to the floor. His abs have been known to literally blow the panties right off of you. In fact, when NASA’s running low on hydrogen fuel, they just show the shuttle pictures of Hugh Jackman shirtless and the rocket pretty much launches itself. True fucking story. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, ladies!

By the way, this sexy bastard just turned 40 on Saturday:

True to form, Madonna kicked off her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour in Wales Saturday night beaver-first. You don’t make that kind of camel toe a regular part of your ensemble without giving center stage, and, apparently, a rhinestone-covered microphone all its own. Perhaps it planned on reciting the soliloquy from Hamlet, or maybe it just wanted to queef “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Unfortunately, we’ll never know, because Madonna stuck it in her pants the wrong way. This brings us to today’s important life lesson #736: always make sure when sticking things down your pants that they’re pointed in the right direction. This goes double for ferrets and antique dueling pistols. Just trust me on this one.

Madonna opens up about her early battles against societally-imposed standards of beauty in this month’s “green issue” of Vanity Fair. And for the record, we’re talking about this chick right here. This chick and her Ani DiFranco-esque fight against bleaching, waxing, shaving and rouging. Us Weekly quotes her as saying

“I was one of those people that people were mean to. I didn’t shave my legs. I had hair growing under my arms. I refused to wear makeup, or fit the ideal of what a conventionally pretty girl would look like.’”

To her credit, she doesn’t look like a conventionally pretty girl in the above picture. She looks like a young Larry Bird or an albatross that’s just had all its feathers ripped out in some kind of bizarre glue gun accident. I don’t know whether to start shouting career stats at it or toss it some krill and squid and hope it doesn’t bite me.