True to form, Madonna kicked off her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour in Wales Saturday night beaver-first. You don’t make that kind of camel toe a regular part of your ensemble without giving center stage, and, apparently, a rhinestone-covered microphone all its own. Perhaps it planned on reciting the soliloquy from Hamlet, or maybe it just wanted to queef “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Unfortunately, we’ll never know, because Madonna stuck it in her pants the wrong way. This brings us to today’s important life lesson #736: always make sure when sticking things down your pants that they’re pointed in the right direction. This goes double for ferrets and antique dueling pistols. Just trust me on this one.

Madonna opens up about her early battles against societally-imposed standards of beauty in this month’s “green issue” of Vanity Fair. And for the record, we’re talking about this chick right here. This chick and her Ani DiFranco-esque fight against bleaching, waxing, shaving and rouging. Us Weekly quotes her as saying

“I was one of those people that people were mean to. I didn’t shave my legs. I had hair growing under my arms. I refused to wear makeup, or fit the ideal of what a conventionally pretty girl would look like.’”

To her credit, she doesn’t look like a conventionally pretty girl in the above picture. She looks like a young Larry Bird or an albatross that’s just had all its feathers ripped out in some kind of bizarre glue gun accident. I don’t know whether to start shouting career stats at it or toss it some krill and squid and hope it doesn’t bite me.