It’s hard to know where to look when fat girls try to be sexy. Your instinct is to flatten out and try to be inconspicuous as possible, but then you remember that shortbread cookies and cheese quesadillas are flat, too, and fat girls sure as hell don’t ignore those. So then you think you should maybe crawl under the table to hide, but then you remember that fat girls often hunt the floor in the hopes of finding the occasional wayward M&M that managed to escape their doughy fists before they could stuff it in their big fat pieholes. Basically, you’re screwed every which way you look. Your best bet is to throw something resembling food in the fat girl’s general direction and yell “FIRE!” as you sprint to the closest exit, but unfortunately, that doesn’t work with a video. I know I waved a chicken drumstick in front of my monitor for almost five goddamn minutes before Beyonce finally stopped thrusting her gut at me. Frankly, you’re better off just running away.
The official music video for Lady Gaga’s latest single “Bad Romance” is out, and it’s every bit the masterpiece you’d expect it to be. Think “Nip/Tuck sound stage” meets “The Fifth Element costume department” meets “Lewis Carroll on an opium trip” meets “first year film student.” All that, and she still managed to work in the Curly Shuffle at the 3:07 mark! You usually only find this much crap in one place when you’re standing in a bus station bathroom after Greek Week.
Hello, my pretties. It’s Sarah. I had a Benadryl smoothie with a shot of Hendricks for breakfast this morning, so today should be a cavalcade of crazy. Are you excited? I’m excited! I might actually just be dizzy and hallucinatory, but to be honest, I haven’t much been able to tell the difference for years. It’s hard work being this awesome, y’all.
Oh hey look, it’s Lourdes. She’s all trussed up in the outfit made famous in her mum’s performance of “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. Isn’t that sweet? Except for the part about how LOURDES IS 12. Like, twelve (12!) years old. Twelve, motherfuckers. Also, for those of you who’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or were zygotes in 1984, the song “Like a Virgin” is a little ditty about a slut machine getting banged by a dude so big it was painful. What kind of retard thinks it’s a good idea to tart up a 12-year-old in the “Like a Virgin” costume? Apparently, Madonna is precisely that kind of retard. I wonder if she made Lourdes wear the “Boy Toy” belt, too? Oh, who are we kidding here? I bet Madonna makes Lourdes wear that belt every damn day of her life.
Anyway, this photo was taken on the set of Madonna’s new “Celebration” video. You know, the one where she makes out with Jesus and Lourdes has a seizure in a crowd? Yeah. Who’d have thought that hot mess was the best of the options they had to work with?
The “Celebration” video keeps getting yanked because I guess some people are fussy about copyrights and such, but hopefully this one will stay put long enough for each of you yokels to have the opportunity to torture yourselves:
Hi kiddies, it’s Sonya today, and boy have I got a morning wake-up video for you. Perhaps sensing she can only get money from being a vortex of stupid on The Hills, Heidi Montag continues her attempt to break into the music industry. I didn’t even know that she was trying, but according to Wikipedia, her album has been trying to be released since 2007. That should tell you a lot about it. Here she is in her shitty low-budget video, trying her best to look sexy. Her writhing is about as arousing as watching my dog dragging her butt across the carpet. At least my dog is smarter than Heidi.
Screen caps, in case you can’t stomach watching her:
I have no idea why Heidi Montag still insists on pursuing her “career” of ear-splitting wailing, but what is an even bigger mystery to me is why anyone would think involving Spencer Pratt is a good idea. And yet, here he is filming her new “Look How I’m Doing” video. Yeah, this is gonna turn out great. A tone-deaf retard fondling her own silicon chesticles and randomly pointing at shit whilst her pube-faced cohort does the limbo for no apparent reason and primarily films the back of her head in the dark.
Actually, that last bit is a sound business decision, but it’s not really going to help anything since that camera clearly has a microphone. I’d rather listen to the sound of my own bones being crushed and forcibly torn from my flesh than hear any noise at all from Heidi Montag.
Here’s Beyonce filming a new music video. I don’t know what’s going on with her undergarments, but when I get dressed, I try to make sure my hips aren’t exploding in fleshy mounds. I’m pretty sure you could do a place setting for two on those suckers. Looking at them makes me want to get a stick and poke it. Then of course I’d beat her with it because Beyonce annoys the shit out of me.
Followed by a bunch of men looking for their lunch:
It’s hard to remember a time when I felt as much rage as I did after watching the video for Hayden Panettiere’s new music video. That time I broke my pinky toe in the shower? The “Old Gringo incident” at the company picnic? My wedding night? Not even close. “Wake Up Call” is an interminable three and a half minutes of Blue Steel and Le Tigre set to a bastard version of Paris Hilton’s “The Stars Are Blind.” Don’t worry — the eye twitch probably won’t set in until the 1:15 mark. If you can even make it that far, that is. I find that Old Gringo and burning your forearms with cigarettes really helps.
Here’s a cheesy cover of the Crowded House classic ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ starring a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie. It’s pretty awesome for 1991, but you have to ask yourself — is it as awesome as that home video of me lipsynching Foreigner’s “Waiting For a Girl Like You” into the handle of a Get In Shape Girl jump rope? No. No, it isn’t.
Here it is, boys and girls: Britney Spears’ anime masterpiece for her new single “Break the Ice.” Anime, of course from the Japanese for “anal mucous,” making it a perfect medium for this wet fart of a song. Enjoy.
Don’t expect to see Paula Abdul’s crappy video for “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” on MTV any time soon. According to MSNBC
Not only is MTV not planning to air the video, but no one even submitted the video [for] consideration in the network’s play rotation [in the first place]. “It makes sense that it wasn’t even submitted,” a source told me. “The only thing worse for a star like Paula to not have her video on TV is to have it actually rejected by MTV. You can’t be rejected if you never formally campaign for it.”
Ah, the old “you can’t dump me because we were never dating” trick. It works like a charm, too, unless you’re six and a half months pregnant and screaming it at your ex-boyfriend over the P.A. at a high school basketball game. That way just earns you a slew of unflattering superlatives and a permanent ban from school functions.
Ashlee Simpson has a new music video for her latest single “Outta My Head (Ah Ya Ya).” Yes, that part in parenthesis is actually included in the song title. I think it’s supposed to be the noise you involuntarily make right before you throw up. People Magazine reports
The youngest Simpson sister dons a straitjacket in an arty new video that debuted Wednesday. “I went to [Salvador] Dali’s museum in Paris and was really inspired by the surrealism,” she explains. “I wanted to do an ambitious video [where] you basically go into another world and never know what’s real. I am five different people in the video. The real me is in therapy and then it all turns into a painting… it’s like an art piece.”
Or a piece of shit.
Like Britney Spears in her new “Piece of Me” video, Simpson also goes on the run from the press. “I’m being chased by paparazzi, and whatever [else] that’s chasing her in her head. She’s basically on the run.”
Salvador Dali would roll over in his grave if he new he was being credited for Ashlee Simpson’s artistic visions. Here’s the guy who invested his art in the complexities of divine mathematics and optical illusions, and Ashlee Simpson puts on a couple of fucking wigs and falls down calls it art. Well, if that’s art, then my dog left a “masterpiece” on my neighbor’s front lawn this morning. I’m sure those Philistines down at the Homeowners Association aren’t gonna see it that way. Too bad none of them are Ashlee Simpson fans.
Britney Spears’ latest video for her new single “Pieces of Me” debuts tonight on “20/20″ on ABC, and the Daily Mail got a taste of the goodness to come:
In the clip the troubled pop star, who wears low rise jeans, a sequined bra and tiny jacket, performs a loosely choreographed dance routine while a group of Britney clones are hounded by photographers. In the video, Spears sings: “I’m Miss American Dream since I was seventeen, don’t matter if I step on the scene or shrink away to the Philippines. They still take pictures of my derriere in the magazine. You wanna a piece of me?” She also complains that constant media attention means every day is “another drama”.
Your Piece of Britney SpearsTM comes with your choice of country ham, pork chops or steak grilled to order, three eggs any style, fried apples, hashbrown casserole, grits, sawmill gravy, homemade buttermilk biscuits, real butter and preserves, and apple butter, just like Meemaw used to make.
