Lady Gaga’s “Marry the Night” music video is out, and it’s full of the pretentious batshit insane stunts that you’d expect from her. Nudity, getting up close and personal with a box of Cheerios, a hospital ward and ballerinas all happen before the stupid song even starts (way at the 8:13 mark). And when the actual song starts, it all becomes clear why she goes through so much length to dazzle you with crazy–the song is mediocre shit. The only way this video could have been redeemed would be to veer into a creepy snuff porno where someone plugs her mouth with Cheerios to shut her up and she chokes to death. Now that is what I would call art.
I don’t know whose ass that is in this teaser for Rebecca Black’sKim Kardashian’s new “Turn it Up” video, but I’ll tell you one thing, it sure as hell isn’t hers. This is what Kim Kardashian’s ass looks like. And this. Also this. Not that. Now I just need to learn to forgive myself for watching it and try to move on with my life. It’s probably best we never speak of it again.
Here’s Jennifer Lopez on the set of her new music video in Mexico, with hot non-Skeletor William Levy, the “Brad Pitt of Mexico”. There’s a reason that she’s clinging to his chest, and it’s not just to be convincing for the camera. You would too if all you had at home was a cold, concave-chested, sallow-skinned member of the undead lying in your bed.
Lady Gaga’s “highly anticipated” (insert finger down throat) music video for “Born This Way” premiered today. It was sort of interesting up to the point where she started singing. And by interesting, I’m talking about a “hey, it looks kind like a dissection is giving birth to a slimey alien” kind of interesting. The touch that’s really missing is where Ellen Ripley shows up and uses the flame thrower unit on her M41A Pulse Rifle to obliterate all Lady Gaga’s offpsring. That’s the way you make the monsters in bad dreams go away.
I’m a little tardy to the party on this one thanks to those server issues we had last week, but Kim Kardashian debuted her new single and a head full of cornrows New Year’s Eve at Tao, and I’d be failing you as a celebrity gossip blogger and a person not to post it for your amusement. Yahoo says:
The reality bombshell sported the [cornrow] braids for the music video for her first-ever single, which she debuted at Tao nightclub in Vegas on New Year’s Eve.
As for the song? Hmmmmm. Let’s just say that Paris Hilton’s past musical attempt (“Stars Are Blind”) is somewhat catchier, if no less Auto-tuned.
I can’t think of anything more insulting than having your new single deemed a second-rate Paris Hilton song. I was gonna say something like, “Kim should be glad her real dad’s dead, because he would have died of sheer embarrassment after hearing that piece of shit,” but it just didn’t seem as vicious and mean-spiritied. I tip my hat to you, Yahoo!
Because there’s nothing sexier than visible scalp:
If you don’t have the time or the gag reflex to watch the video for Miley Cyrus’ new song “Who Owns My Heart,” here’s a little sample of the lyrics for you. Wouldn’t want you to miss out! It goes:
Who owns my heart/
Is it love or is it art/
You know I wanna believe that we’re a masterpiece/
But sometimes it’s hard to tell in the dark/
Who owns my heart/
Like fire in the dark/
We’re like living art/
Sorry, but I don’t think that qualifies as “art.” Fart, maybe. Or even shart. If that’s art, then this is literature. Alas! Poor Yorick! I knew him well.
Some moms embarrass their sons by calling them baby names in front of their friends. Some try to speak their kids’ lingo. But Christina Aguilera has other plans. OK! Magazine reports,
With the release of her latest video with its raunchy S&M theme, Christina Aguilera says she’ll never stop being sexy just because she’s a mom.
Xtina’s raunchy new video for “Not Myself Tonight” features the former teen star dressed as a dominatrix in skin-tight latex.
“Mama still has to be me,” the singer told Access Hollywood. “I never claimed to be a cookie-cutter soccer mom. That’s all good for some people. Not for me.”
Although some might think the video is too racy for a woman with a two-year-old son, Christina says she’s just being an artist.
“He’s going to grow up in a household where he knows mommy expresses herself artistically and some of that will have to reflect itself sexually too at times,” she said about little Max Bratman.
“He’s going to learn to respect the fact that women are allowed to express themselves and not feel shameful about their bodies or their sexuality.”
If Mommy wants to get up on the dinner table and do a striptease at Max’s Boy Scouts’ meeting, well now, that’s just Mommy being an artist. They don’t teach you about S&M, orgies and ball gags in those handbooks, you know!
It’s hard to know where to look when fat girls try to be sexy. Your instinct is to flatten out and try to be inconspicuous as possible, but then you remember that shortbread cookies and cheese quesadillas are flat, too, and fat girls sure as hell don’t ignore those. So then you think you should maybe crawl under the table to hide, but then you remember that fat girls often hunt the floor in the hopes of finding the occasional wayward M&M that managed to escape their doughy fists before they could stuff it in their big fat pieholes. Basically, you’re screwed every which way you look. Your best bet is to throw something resembling food in the fat girl’s general direction and yell “FIRE!” as you sprint to the closest exit, but unfortunately, that doesn’t work with a video. I know I waved a chicken drumstick in front of my monitor for almost five goddamn minutes before Beyonce finally stopped thrusting her gut at me. Frankly, you’re better off just running away.
The official music video for Lady Gaga’s latest single “Bad Romance” is out, and it’s every bit the masterpiece you’d expect it to be. Think “Nip/Tuck sound stage” meets “The Fifth Element costume department” meets “Lewis Carroll on an opium trip” meets “first year film student.” All that, and she still managed to work in the Curly Shuffle at the 3:07 mark! You usually only find this much crap in one place when you’re standing in a bus station bathroom after Greek Week.
Hello, my pretties. It’s Sarah. I had a Benadryl smoothie with a shot of Hendricks for breakfast this morning, so today should be a cavalcade of crazy. Are you excited? I’m excited! I might actually just be dizzy and hallucinatory, but to be honest, I haven’t much been able to tell the difference for years. It’s hard work being this awesome, y’all.
Oh hey look, it’s Lourdes. She’s all trussed up in the outfit made famous in her mum’s performance of “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. Isn’t that sweet? Except for the part about how LOURDES IS 12. Like, twelve (12!) years old. Twelve, motherfuckers. Also, for those of you who’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or were zygotes in 1984, the song “Like a Virgin” is a little ditty about a slut machine getting banged by a dude so big it was painful. What kind of retard thinks it’s a good idea to tart up a 12-year-old in the “Like a Virgin” costume? Apparently, Madonna is precisely that kind of retard. I wonder if she made Lourdes wear the “Boy Toy” belt, too? Oh, who are we kidding here? I bet Madonna makes Lourdes wear that belt every damn day of her life.
Anyway, this photo was taken on the set of Madonna’s new “Celebration” video. You know, the one where she makes out with Jesus and Lourdes has a seizure in a crowd? Yeah. Who’d have thought that hot mess was the best of the options they had to work with?
The “Celebration” video keeps getting yanked because I guess some people are fussy about copyrights and such, but hopefully this one will stay put long enough for each of you yokels to have the opportunity to torture yourselves:
Hi kiddies, it’s Sonya today, and boy have I got a morning wake-up video for you. Perhaps sensing she can only get money from being a vortex of stupid on The Hills, Heidi Montag continues her attempt to break into the music industry. I didn’t even know that she was trying, but according to Wikipedia, her album has been trying to be released since 2007. That should tell you a lot about it. Here she is in her shitty low-budget video, trying her best to look sexy. Her writhing is about as arousing as watching my dog dragging her butt across the carpet. At least my dog is smarter than Heidi.
Screen caps, in case you can’t stomach watching her:
I have no idea why Heidi Montag still insists on pursuing her “career” of ear-splitting wailing, but what is an even bigger mystery to me is why anyone would think involving Spencer Pratt is a good idea. And yet, here he is filming her new “Look How I’m Doing” video. Yeah, this is gonna turn out great. A tone-deaf retard fondling her own silicon chesticles and randomly pointing at shit whilst her pube-faced cohort does the limbo for no apparent reason and primarily films the back of her head in the dark.
Actually, that last bit is a sound business decision, but it’s not really going to help anything since that camera clearly has a microphone. I’d rather listen to the sound of my own bones being crushed and forcibly torn from my flesh than hear any noise at all from Heidi Montag.
