It’s hard to remember a time when I felt as much rage as I did after watching the video for Hayden Panettiere’s new music video. That time I broke my pinky toe in the shower? The “Old Gringo incident” at the company picnic? My wedding night? Not even close. “Wake Up Call” is an interminable three and a half minutes of Blue Steel and Le Tigre set to a bastard version of Paris Hilton’s “The Stars Are Blind.” Don’t worry — the eye twitch probably won’t set in until the 1:15 mark. If you can even make it that far, that is. I find that Old Gringo and burning your forearms with cigarettes really helps.
Here’s a cheesy cover of the Crowded House classic ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ starring a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie. It’s pretty awesome for 1991, but you have to ask yourself — is it as awesome as that home video of me lipsynching Foreigner’s “Waiting For a Girl Like You” into the handle of a Get In Shape Girl jump rope? No. No, it isn’t.
Here it is, boys and girls: Britney Spears’ anime masterpiece for her new single “Break the Ice.” Anime, of course from the Japanese for “anal mucous,” making it a perfect medium for this wet fart of a song. Enjoy.
Don’t expect to see Paula Abdul’s crappy video for “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” on MTV any time soon. According to MSNBC
Not only is MTV not planning to air the video, but no one even submitted the video [for] consideration in the network’s play rotation [in the first place]. “It makes sense that it wasn’t even submitted,” a source told me. “The only thing worse for a star like Paula to not have her video on TV is to have it actually rejected by MTV. You can’t be rejected if you never formally campaign for it.”
Ah, the old “you can’t dump me because we were never dating” trick. It works like a charm, too, unless you’re six and a half months pregnant and screaming it at your ex-boyfriend over the P.A. at a high school basketball game. That way just earns you a slew of unflattering superlatives and a permanent ban from school functions.
Ashlee Simpson has a new music video for her latest single “Outta My Head (Ah Ya Ya).” Yes, that part in parenthesis is actually included in the song title. I think it’s supposed to be the noise you involuntarily make right before you throw up. People Magazine reports
The youngest Simpson sister dons a straitjacket in an arty new video that debuted Wednesday. “I went to [Salvador] Dali’s museum in Paris and was really inspired by the surrealism,” she explains. “I wanted to do an ambitious video [where] you basically go into another world and never know what’s real. I am five different people in the video. The real me is in therapy and then it all turns into a painting… it’s like an art piece.”
Or a piece of shit.
Like Britney Spears in her new “Piece of Me” video, Simpson also goes on the run from the press. “I’m being chased by paparazzi, and whatever [else] that’s chasing her in her head. She’s basically on the run.”
Salvador Dali would roll over in his grave if he new he was being credited for Ashlee Simpson’s artistic visions. Here’s the guy who invested his art in the complexities of divine mathematics and optical illusions, and Ashlee Simpson puts on a couple of fucking wigs and falls down calls it art. Well, if that’s art, then my dog left a “masterpiece” on my neighbor’s front lawn this morning. I’m sure those Philistines down at the Homeowners Association aren’t gonna see it that way. Too bad none of them are Ashlee Simpson fans.
Britney Spears’ latest video for her new single “Pieces of Me” debuts tonight on “20/20″ on ABC, and the Daily Mail got a taste of the goodness to come:
In the clip the troubled pop star, who wears low rise jeans, a sequined bra and tiny jacket, performs a loosely choreographed dance routine while a group of Britney clones are hounded by photographers. In the video, Spears sings: “I’m Miss American Dream since I was seventeen, don’t matter if I step on the scene or shrink away to the Philippines. They still take pictures of my derriere in the magazine. You wanna a piece of me?” She also complains that constant media attention means every day is “another drama”.
Your Piece of Britney SpearsTM comes with your choice of country ham, pork chops or steak grilled to order, three eggs any style, fried apples, hashbrown casserole, grits, sawmill gravy, homemade buttermilk biscuits, real butter and preserves, and apple butter, just like Meemaw used to make.
