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Lady Gaga’s “Marry the Night” music video is out, and it’s full of the pretentious batshit insane stunts that you’d expect from her. Nudity, getting up close and personal with a box of Cheerios, a hospital ward and ballerinas all happen before the stupid song even starts (way at the 8:13 mark). And when the actual song starts, it all becomes clear why she goes through so much length to dazzle you with crazy–the song is mediocre shit. The only way this video could have been redeemed would be to veer into a creepy snuff porno where someone plugs her mouth with Cheerios to shut her up and she chokes to death. Now that is what I would call art.

Katy Perry is convinced she is twee and adorable and that everyone loves her as much as she loves herself. I’m just as convinced that she is a talentless, gimmicky hack with about as much depth as a puddle of dog piss. She epitomizes all that’s fucked up with the world of pop these days, which is why I stick to listening to Perry Como and Tibetan chanting. There’s no danger of pink tutus and Auto-Tune there.

“Performing” at Le Zenith in Paris, which should be like, her hometown since it’s full of douches.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

First Paris Hilton had a sex tape, and then Kim Kardashian had a sex tape. And then Paris released a crappy album, and now Kim Kardashian is gonna release a crappy album. Will overproduced auto-tuned wonders never cease? TMZ says:

Kim Kardashian is recording an album.

Kim’s recently been in the studio with top notch writer/producer/performer The-Dream, whose hits include Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”

So how’s it gonna sound? One person who’s been inside a recording session tells us, “Kim’s got a really good voice.”

You could tie up a bunch of alley cats in bag and let a couple of two-year olds have at them with air horns and with the right editing and enough vocoders, it could still be a Top Forty hit. The question is why you would want to put a bunch of cats in a bag and let toddlers torture them like that. You’ve got some serious issues, man.

In SoHo filming her stupid new show:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Kate Gosselin has made it her life’s mission to exploit her litter and wring every last penny out of their little hides. If she can make money off her own kids, then why not the Baby Jesus? Popeater reports,

Kate Gosselin wants to show America that it’s not just her dance skills that are a hidden talent. Now, the famous mom and her eight adorable tots want to release a holiday CD packed full of all her favorite religious classics.

“Kate is pitching a CD of holiday songs sung by herself and all her children,” a record executive tells me. “She sees herself as a modern day Maria from ‘The Sound of Music,’ except this time the family singers won’t be the Von Trap family, they would be the Gosselins.”

“Don’t be fooled,” a friend of Kate’s tells me. “Kate sees herself as a brand. She knows her fifteen minutes are not going to last forever and wants to make the most of it. After all, it’s Kate that’s putting the food on the table for all those children.”

Von Trapp family? I don’t think so. I think she’s a little less Maria and a little more Miss Hannigan from Annie, if you ask me.

In NYC:

Paramore

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.
Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

Rihanna Rihanna Rihanna Rihanna

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Phoebe Price Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

Pink Pink Pink

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