It’s not the first time Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has spoken out about his daughter’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson — but this is the first time he’s asked for your help. He wrote on his website

After seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn. SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?

Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

His clever use of the capitalized “man” in Samantha certainly lends an air of credibility to his post. You know, because she’s a lesbian and really ugly and all and the word “man” is hidden in her name. The pen truly is mightier than the sword! That’s why I used one to draw mustaches and wieners on all the pictures of my ex-husband’s business cards. Michael and I like to refer to that as “taking the high road.”

Lindsay’s new ad campaign for Fornarina:

Ashely Kaufmann is indeed Lindsay Lohan’s bastard sister, according to a post La Lohan put up on her Myspace on Wednesday:

my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Daddy of the Year Michael Lohan has consequently denied his daughter’s claim, writing in an e-mail to People magazine that he believes there is a “99 percent chance” Lohan’s MySpace message was actually written by her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and not by Lindsay at all. So what we have here is yet another series of evil schemes orchestrated by family under the guise of holiday togetherness. Just like our “Christmas Eve dinner” that was actually a staged intervention or the “after-market ignition enhancer” that turned out to be a car breathalyzer. Lies, all of it!

Lindsay and Sam shopping on Melrose Avenue:

Michael Lohan once again suckled at the media teat to get his name front and center in the tabloids, telling E! Online that Samantha Ronson is dating daughter Lindsay purely to boost her own fame after it was revealed that Sam was planning to write a “tell-all” about her life. The Sun says

Michael said: “I’ve shut up about this long enough. Samantha is using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some DJ. And now she’s writing a book? Let’s just say I hope Lindsay starts opening her eyes and realizes who the people using her are.”

Michael also accuses Sam of reintroducing Lindsay to booze,… [saying] “Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife Dina knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it.”

Not to be outdone, Samantha posted the following on her official blog:

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?”

Lindsay’s response to the allegations? She told Access Hollywood last night

“He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.”

and posted the following on her MySpace account:

DRUG FREE
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.

This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item. I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on… I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’re officially a sadist with self-destructive tendencies. I suggest lots of booze and a two hour session in the dungeon with your balls under the spiked heel of Mistress Severina. Flagellating your own genitals and burning your forearms with cigarettes is optional but not required.

Lunching someplace other than the Y with their mothers August 24th:

Taylor Hicks. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia Barrino. All American Idol winners, and all has-beens. So why would Kellie Pickler, who was in sixth place when she got booted off American Idol, and dumber than a pile of rocks, still be showing up in the news? Well, I think it might have something to do with two things, one rhymes with wand, the other with sits. Those two things, my dear friends, cover a multitude of sins. I think it says so in the Bible.
Exhibit B, from Kellie’s myspace page.

More slutty Miley Cyrus pictures hit the net over the weekend — these supposedly hacked from her cellphone and intended for Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. Hannah Montana, now with more wet t-shirt and bare midriff action! Arrest record sold separately. According to Nine MSN

The supposed email hacker bragged that these were the most innocent of the photos he found, and that he would be selling the rest to the highest bidder.

“I have worse pictures than these,” he posted on the Digital Gangster forum, “and those are prob getting sold. I saw alot (sic) of juicy emails, but I never thought of saving them.. now I kick myself for not.. there where (sic) so many juicy emails that I read…”

“Juicy” ‘tween text messages? Sorry, but my panties don’t drop at the sight of multiple consonants in all capital letters. I’m an old-fashioned kinda girl. I like my slut talk long-winded and ripe with vowels, preferably in scrolling cursive on perfumed stationary. Also acceptable: extreme close-ups of your wiener. I guess it’s more of a generational thing, really.

On the beach in Malibu July 11th:

The man posing with Miley Cyrus in some of her recent MySpace pics has won’t be taking her to junior prom this year, mostly because he graduated from high school four years ago. Nine MSN says

Miley Cyrus has been snapped cozying up to a new guy - seven years her senior! The tween superstar, already no stranger to controversy, appears in the shots [kissing one of her back up] dancers ‘Ryan.’

I’m sure 22-year olds and 15-year olds have tons in common. Like, um, MySpace… and other stuff. Like some guy once said, “The language of love needs no translation.” It’s just written in all caps acronyms and punctuated with emoticons so your hater parents can’t understand any of it. GG PAW — KPC 4EVR!!!

On the set of her latest music video:

There’s no denying it now — those Miley Cyrus MySpace pics that made the rounds on Monday are 100% real. But don’t think her publicist is going to be owning up to it anytime soon when there’s still a chance the public will buy the whole “imposter” theory. You know, like Miley has an evil twin intent on destroying her good name so she can bring down the Bradys and have Tad all to herself once and for all. According to NBC daytime, shit like that happens all the time. The AP reports

Less-than-wholesome photos of a girl bearing a close resemblance to the 15-year-old superstar are making the rounds on the Internet. [Photos] shows the Cyrus look-alike tugging at her white tank top to reveal a green bra [and] bare midriff while draped over a young male. This isn’t the first time risque photos of someone resembling Cyrus have circulated online.

The actress-singer’s publicists Jill Fritzo and Meghan Prophet didn’t return messages from The Associated Press seeking comment.

Fact: the girl in the photo above is wearing the same bra, nail polish, necklace, and bracelets that Miley was photographed wearing on March 19th, so either there’s a wormhole to a parallel dimension hidden somewhere in L.A., or else Disney and Dateline NBC are collaborating to make you a television star.

I’m pretty sure the only companies who crank out more sluts than the Disney Corporation these days are Vivid Entertainment and The Emperor’s Club. All Mickey Mouse is missing now is a gold cane and a fedora with one of those big long feathers.

Dr. Phil officially pledged his eternal soul to Satan this weekend after sending a production assistant to Florida to bail out the ringleader of a group of six girls who beat a classmate for an hour and then posted the video footage on YouTube. Dr. Phil & Company ponied up a whopping thirty grand to the Polk County Sheriff’s office for exclusive rights to Mercades Nichols, who is currently staring down kidnapping, battery and witness tampering charges. By the way, the girl beaten unconscious in the video was hospitalized for a concussion, damage to her left eye, and partial loss of hearing in her left ear. Can you smell the ratings from here? Of course, now that the media’s gotten a hold of it, Dr. Phil doesn’t want any credit for it. MSNBC reports

The “Dr. Phil” show issued a statement saying “certain staff members went beyond our guidelines (re: the bail being paid),” but a source close to the production fears that this incident could be the final straw for the show.

“It’s getting desperate behind the scenes. Dr. Phil is so demanding, and there’s a feeling anyone will do anything for the get,” said a source. “People don’t trust him like they used to. The… incident [is] beyond embarrassing for the entire show. How do you bounce back from this?”

You don’t “bounce back.” You draw the symbol of Baphomet in the dirt, drink the blood of a virgin and recite the Enochian chants during a full moon on Walpurgisnacht. Really, it’s the only shot he’s got.