Here’s one that you may find hard to swallow (ha ha): Nadya “Octomom” Suleman is now open to doing porn–but with no touching. Yeah, I don’t know how that one works either. Says Daily News,

She’ll look, but won’t touch.

That’s the latest pledge Octomom Nadya Suleman is giving should she ever appear in a porn — reversing previous promises she’d never do a skin flick to financially support her 14 children.

“You know if the opportunity comes up, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m gonna eat my words because all that matters is that I can take care of my family,” she said Monday on HLN’s “Showbiz Tonight.”

But while she’s no longer swearing off X-rated films, she told HLN she “would not kiss somebody. I wouldn’t touch somebody.”

“I have had to make some very difficult decisions the year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them,” Suleman said in a statement. “But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start.”

Earlier this month, she said on NBC’s “Today” show that she wouldn’t do porn. This was after she posed topless — with her arm across her chest — for a British magazine for a reported $8,000.

“I’m not going to allow my kids to be homeless. I’m terrified,” she said in a video justifying the spread.

But she also admitted to receiving $2,000 a month from the state of California, reneging on a prior declaration that she would never go on welfare.

It’s unclear whether Suleman will take up an offer that Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch reportedly made in March, saying he’d pay $100,000 if she stars in three hardcore sex scenes. It’s a far lower price than the $1 million offer he dangled to her in 2009.

Put Octomom in a porn (Octopussy, anyone?) and you’re sure to see bodily fluids shooting left and right and long, hard poles. Of course, the bodily fluids will be projectile vomiting and the poles will literally be 10-foot poles, because I don’t see how anyone would want to get near that clown car uterus.

Bar Refaeli in screen caps for a commercial for her Under.Me lingerie line, as a peace offering:

Nadya “Octomom” Suleman filed for bankruptcy today one month after going on welfare. I hope that includes her busted-ass plastic surgery. No one should pay to look that bad. Says TMZ,

Nadya Suleman filed for Chapter 7 today in federal court — a month after going on welfare — meaning she’s hopelessly buried in a mountain of debt.

Chapter 7 is the most serious form of bankruptcy — it’s basically when you go belly up — something Octo is well-familiar with.

The legal docs we obtained do not specify her creditors or how much she owes — but it’s pretty clear … she’s dead broke.

It’s pretty sad, really. I bet she was planning on making it big with a reality show or something with her passel of children, but now she’s on welfare and bankrupt. Someone should make her a shirt that says, “I Gave Birth to 8 Babies At Once, and All I Got Was This Shirt and 8 Babies”. It’s poetic justice at its finest.

At LAX earlier this month:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Nadya Suleman is defending her decision to pose topless for those photos that appeared in British magazine Closer, who says she got paid a measely $8,000. But what about us? I say everyone who saw them should receive compensation for pain and suffering. Says Digital Spy,

Appearing on Anderson, Suleman admitted that she “did it for money”.

“I got $8,000 (£5,000),” she said. “I have to do what I have to do to take care of my family, and I’m not ashamed. I’m not ashamed at all.”

She continued: “You have to learn to let go of everyone’s perspective of you because you cannot please the world. You have to please your God – He’s the only one I have to answer to really, at the end of the day – myself, and my children… I have never sacrificed my morals and values.”

Suleman also confirmed reports that she is struggling to keep up with mortgage payments and revealed that she will be moving shortly as she is about six months behind.

“I’m supposed to be the owner of the home,” she said. “But unfortunately I have been, like many other people, struggling, and it’s been very hard to keep up with the mortgage payments. And I’ve been late many months now.”

You wouldn’t be in such a financial bind if you didn’t have a fucking zoo to feed. I hate it when people do shit and then try to get off the hook by dragging God into it. Lady, when God said, “be fruitful and multiply”, I don’t think you’re exactly what he had in mind.

Because fucking with people is what I do best, here are a couple more shots, now with nip!

Remember how I said I hated you before? Apparently, I really meant it.

Mother-of-fourteen Nadya Suleman topless in Closer magazine:

36-year-old mom of fourteen Nadya Suleman talked about her loathing of sex and masturbation as she posed in a bikini for the latest issue of Steppin’ Out magazine. They wanted her to talk about her loathing of food while wearing a chef’s hat and gnawing on a turkey leg, but everyone agreed that just seemed weird. The NY Daily News says:

Even when she was married, Suleman said she never liked to be intimate with her husband.

“I can tell you that I never touched [my husband] physically. It was a different type of marriage. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.”

And that includes with herself.

“I’ve never even touched myself in that way,” she added. “Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.”

Fourteen kids, but completely sexually repressed? Sounds like a textbook Catholic if you ask me.

Octomom Nadya Suleman’s passel of children are finding themselves ever closer to becoming wards of the state of California today, thanks to that fetish video she filmed inside their home. The Daily Mail says:

Octomom Nadya Suleman [faces] an investigation by social workers after filming a baby fetish video at her home.

[Photos from the video] show the man on her bed, while corset-clad Suleman whips him near a baby crib.

Another photo shows her feeding him the man with a bottle and another shows him posing inside her children’s play castle.

But Nadya insists the video was just a joke and that she’s been celibate for over eleven years. TMZ says:

Octomom revealed she hasn’t knocked OctoBoots in more than a decade… despite some lucrative offers.

As for the baby-whipping fetish flick, Nadya Suleman tells us she was “grossed out” when she first saw the footage and insists the whole thing was supposed to be a “spoof” of her porno propositioners.

Seeing a grown man in a diaper requesting “spankies” is disturbing on so many levels. You can watch* the video for yourself below, but heed the wide-eyed cat’s warning: that which is seen CANNOT BE UNSEEN. May God have mercy on your soul.

_{*Yeeeah accepts no liability for the content of this video, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of viewing the contents therein. Under no circumstances shall Yeeeah or its sponsors be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special or consequential damages that result from viewing the aforementioned video, including, but not limited to, temporary blindness, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, rage, self-mutilation, homicide or suicide.}

This must be what Oprah calls one one of those a-ha! moments.

PHOTO CREDIT: TMZ

Bankrupt and desperate Nadya Suleman has finally found a way to save her house and keep her 14 human larvae from starving: she let somebody videotape her flogging a man wearing a bonnet and a diaper and sell it on the internet. Check and mate, foreclosure! TMZ says:

Octomom stars in a fetish video, in which she whips a grown man wearing a baby diaper and a bonnet.

The video was shot recently in her L.A. area home. The video shows Nadya Suleman, dressed in a black corset [and] black leggings [whipping a man] in the diaper so much so he has welts on his back.

The video is being shopped for sale. We’re told both Nadya and the dude have signed the model release so it can be sold.

In these economic times, you have learn to make some sacrifices. Like your dignity and self-respect, for one. There’s no rate of return on integrity. At least that’s what the guy at the bank told me as he was unzipping his pants.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Oh look, it’s Mother of the Year Nadya Suleman with her litter of children, enjoying a day at the park while mommy’s irresponsibility threatens to take away their home by foreclosure.  I guess having 8 kids all at once wasn’t the money-maker she thought it would be.

Now that he’s all but castrated himself financially, former “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ star Jon Gosselin will be humiliating himself in a new reality show in which he’ll be dating Octomom Nadya Suleman. Sounds classy! The NY Daily News says

Producer Bobby Goldstein says he will produce the pilot, called “Jon – Kate = Jon Octomom,” with a former producer of “The Jerry Springer Show.”

According to a press release, cameras will follow Gosselin “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like. If they got married, they’d have 22 kids.”

Tthe 33-year-old single mom reveals that she will be so obsessed with the octodad, “she’s already talking openly about the two of them getting married.”

He added, “It will be like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t turn your head away.”

It’s more like looking into someone’s bedpan right before you empty it. You don’t want to look, but something inside of you compels you to, primarily because you’re a masochist with self-esteem issues and deep-down, you hate yourself and feel the need to suffer some kind of punishment. Yep, taking care of grandma those last few years really taught my a lot about myself.

Jon + cigarette; Nadya + boobs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I haven’t read any of the Twilight series or seen the movie, mostly because I’m not a simpering moron or currently enrolled in high school (which I know is redundant, but I’m saying anyway in case any Twilight fans are reading this — work with me here). Anyway, the stupid New Moon movie poster has supposedly leaked, and the general consensus among fans has been OMFG IJPMP! GG 9 KPC4VR!!! OK! Magazine says

The folks behind New Moon… need to do a better job of keeping a lid on the secrets of the sure-to-be huge sequel to Twilight. First, a woman finds a copy of the film’s script in the trash, and now it looks like the first official poster for the movie might have been leaked.

The artwork… features a smoldering R-Patts being kept away from on-screen love interest Kristen Stewart by a glowering Taylor Lautner, all set in a very misty forest.

That is quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. Right after “On Hands on Dick: Virgin Sailors” and the script for “Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

Less gay but equally disturbing (click image for NSFW) Octomom-themed porn “Coctomom” poster:

Batshit insane Octomom Nadya Suleman might have claimed she couldn’t remember any of the details of her foray into lapdancing, but fortunately for us, the strippers she worked with still do. Among the shocking allegations of her former co-workers? Octomommy’s stage name was “Angelina.” Like Angelina Jolie. Who also has a passel of children, long dark hair and oversized lips. What an amazing coincidence! According to MSNBC

“I met her at an amateur contest, and we wound up doing parties together,” a stripper called “Sage” [said]. “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”

“Numerous sources” confirmed Suleman, who has previously denied any interest in copying or even being a fan of celebrity mom Angelina Jolie, danced under the name “Angelina” and hoped to become a household name one day. “(Suleman) always said she wanted to be really famous,” explained Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who claims he once shuttled Suleman and other dancers to those aforementioned parties.

I give it three months before she’s arrested for trespassing on Brangelina property with a set of detailed instructions for filleting Angie whole so she can wear her skin like a suit. Buffalo Bill’s got nothin’ on this crazy bitch.

Wannabe Angelina:

Real Angelina: