You better not ever, ever make fun of Kate Winslet, or she’ll go and sue you for forty grand and somehow win. The technical legal term for said phenomenon is “crybaby puss.” According to Us Magazine

On Tuesday London’s High Court awarded the actress 25,000 British pounds (about $40,000 in American currency) in libel damages from the Daily Mail [for their] January article entitled “Should Kate Winslet win an Oscar for the world’s most irritating actress?” which she said “hurt and embarrassed” her. [The article also] claimed that Winslet, 34, lied about her exercise routine.

In a statement, Winslet said, “I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. To suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy.”

Back in grade school, we had the remedy for this sort of tattletale-type behavior. It was called “the purple nurple” and “the swirly.” Too bad she’s no longer bound by the rules of afternoon recess.

Kelly Brook topless in her debut performance in “Calendar Girls,” because we’ve already seen (NSFW) Kate Winslet’s tits, and frankly, (NSFW) they’re disgusting:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

The Japenese live longer, do better on international mathematics assessment tests, make better cars, and now they do haute couture better, too. Damn. The Asian philosophy of kaizen must go double for boobies!

Daria Werbooby Werbowy in the December issue of Japanese Vogue (all thumbs NSFW):

Heidi Klum’s new coffee table book “Heidilicious” shows the supermodel in a variety of interesting poses, including several of her naked and covered in chocolate. A perfect gift for the diabetic in your life! Amazon.com says

Whether as a sultry sex kitten or sophisticated femme fatale, this tribute by one of Ms. Klum’s favorite photographers, Rankin, captures her many moods and personas. This photographic master has a unique insight to this unparalleled fashion icon, gaining a variety of fascinating answers to the question, “What is Heidi really like?”

I don’t know about you, but after looking at this, that 3 Musketeers bar in my purse just isn’t going to cut it. “Get carried away!” my ass.

One girl, no cup:

If you want to see a waste of a perfectly good naked woman, try on next month’s Details magazine for size. You’ll find American Idol runner-up and notorious flamer Adam Lambert doing his best hetero impression all over a beautiful naked female model inside. I just don’t get it. Adam Lambert is gay, and Details magazine is gay… it doesn’t make any sense. The only way a naked woman is going to appeal to that target demographic is if there’s an article about the sophisticated old world charm wainscoting adds to a room and a recipe for the perfect risotto al Barolo printed on her backside.

I’m back, bitches! Hope your enjoyed your week with Sonya at the helm. And I also hope you didn’t get to used to actual quality writing, because it’s back to guzzling at the teat of the lowest common denominator now that I’m here! TMZ says

The sex tape starring Shauna Sand is being delayed a week — and it all has to do with whether or not Shauna signed on the dotted line.

Vivid Entertainment says it plans to counter Shauna’s cease and desist letter by bringing in a handwriting expert to prove the release they have is authentic.

And of course, if turns out to be her signature, it will be the only part of Shauna Sand that actually is real. I’m pretty sure the rest of her won’t biodegrade for another 10,000 years.

If you wished upon a star and your blow-up sex doll became a real boy (last two thumbs NSFW):

Christina Aguilera really knows how to boost her man’s confidence! Nothing says “I love you” like a backhanded insult to your manhood. I bet that really gives her husband Jordan Bratman a raging soft-on. Says The Sun,

The Beautiful star says she’d much rather spend time admiring the naked form of a female than a fella.

Christina insists Jordan - father of her 20-month-old son Max - is the one who “ultimately” presses all the right buttons.

But she’s adamant girls are “sexier” to look at.

She said: “I feel sexiest in the nude. I think women are such sensual beings.

“I mean, I’m attracted to men ultimately - I’m married and I love my husband and I love what we do together.

“But honestly, if I had the choice between viewing a naked man or a naked woman, I’d choose the woman.

“We’re just naturally sexier and more beautiful to look at.”

Well, as long as she ultimately remembers that she’s attracted and married to a man, what she does in the meantime doesn’t really matter, does it?

Picking out pumpkins with son Max:

Wow, Playboy is really going to the dogs. Your favorite washed up train wreck, wonky-tittied Tara Reid, is reportedly stripping for Playboy! Digital Spy reports,

American Pie actress Tara Reid has allegedly stripped for an upcoming issue of Playboy.

According to reports, the 33-year-old star posed for the cover of the legendary men’s magazine in Santa Monica on October 7.

“She was a bit insecure about her body when they first started,” one source told In Touch Weekly.

“She looked great and finally got into the groove.”

Reid has yet to confirm or deny the claims.

Oh, I get it. It’s for their Halloween issue, right? Right? Please?

Hangin’ free in Cannes:

Levi Johnston, best known as “the guy who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter,” will be posing nude in a photo shoot for gay men’s magazine Playgirl. The Daily Mail says

Levi Johnston, the ex-lover of Mrs Palin’s 18-year-old daughter Bristol, is training three hours a day, six nights a week at a gym in Alaska in preparation for the shoot.

Mr Johnston has been working out with Marvin Jones, a former Mr Alaska competitor who has put the teenager on a low-carb, high-protein diet.

No date has been set for the Playgirl photo shoot, but it is expected to be previewed by the end of the year.

Mrs Palin’s representatives did not respond to a request for comment on the Playgirl job.

So Levi Johnston will be showing the world his johnson. Ha ha, get it? Johnston, johnson? It’s a wiener joke. I wouldn’t want a joke that subtle to slip right over your head.

Not showing his wiener in GQ:

After weathering the beating Shawn Merriman gave her last month, Tila Tequila took to her Twitter page last Monday to announce that she has decided to commit suicide. Of course, she’s now backpedaling by password-protecting her page, as if that could magically erase from the interwebs all the stupid shit she tweeted and make everyone forget about her two-week death deadline. MSNBC obtained the following tweet:

“I am going to kill myself cuz I don’t want to live in a world where its filled with IGNORANCE! which majority of you ARE! & racists!”

And then there were these tweets (via Just Online Movies):

“It woulda been tonite I ended my life, but my friend caught me and stopped me. So I told him I will give him two more weeks.

No one can stop me. I am not depressed or unhappy! My life is amazing. It’s not about that though! God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there.

Dont be afraid of death as death is highly misunderstood. Death is very peaceful, serene, and welcoming for me. I have long awaited this.

We all have to go at some point in time, but my time is soon, so i can finally rest my mind. 2 more weeks and then we shall say goodbye.

I will give u two more weeks, but after that i shall be leaving. 2 more weeks until u weep for my life that has finally ended.”

Well, from what I remember from the movie, leprechauns always go for the retarded one first. That ought to make killing herself pretty easy. Plus, shooting a four-leaf clover in the ol’ kisser shouldn’t be too hard for a girl who’s made a career out of taking it in the mouth. It only makes sense she should die that way.

At Mr. Chow on Sunday, plus NSFW naked pics after the jump:

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I can’t believe ESPN would put Ugly Wanda on the cover of their ‘Body Issue,’ because Jamie Foxx isn’t even a real athlete. He only played one in “Any Given Sunday.” That’s fraud, buddy!

Kim Kardashian posed for yet another sexy but pointless photoshoot last weekend and posted the pics on her official website, saying

I love this one in the silver sequin drape! I didn’t know what we wanted out of this look but it feels very Venus water goddess to me!

Water goddess, indeed. But I bet without the mustache wax and the Lady Bic, Kim Kardashian would look more like a water buffalo. Armenians are freakin’ hairy.

More “goddess” pics, plus some of her arriving at at STK restaurant with her family:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

I already gave you a taste of Sophie Monk topless in “The Hills Run Red,” but you guys don’t usually complain when I toss more titty your way, so here are Sophie Monk’s bare boobies. Again. That’s about it, really. No sense in beating a dead horse here. Especially when there are so many other things you’d rather be beating at the moment. Yeeeah, baby! High five!

Lots, lots, lots LOTS more NSFW boobage after the jump:

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