There’s an article about some fashion photographer in next month’s Marie Claire Australia that included the above shot she took of Heidi Klum in the buff, but I forget the chick’s name and I didn’t actually bother to read any of the article because, as I mentioned, Heidi Klum was naked. Words just get in the way. It’s probably why you’re clicking on the thumbnails for nipslips instead of reading any of the words I’ve written right now.

Demi did it, Britney did it, and Christina did it — now it’s Jessica Simpson’s turn to show off her naked pregnant body on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine, in which she reveals she and fiance Eric Johnson are having a little girl. Jessica’s father Joe Simpson was later quoted as saying, “I just hope she gets her momma’s double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!”

Izabel Goulart is a Victoria’s Secret/Sports Illustrated model with a body that could move a man to tears, but the good folks at Muse decided the perfect backdrop for all that nekkid splendor was a dirty public restroom. I guess the juxtaposition of the two is supposed to be provocative somehow, in the same way that poking a diamond into a turd might be considered provocative. Is it a metaphor for the ugliness of consumerism? Does it represent the dirty reality of a society mired in youth-obsession and vanity? Or is it just a really crappy attempt to shock you into thinking it’s somehow art? I don’t really know. Maybe we should ask Izabel Goulart’s tits. They seem to know what’s up.

I had to Google Arianny Celeste to find out that she is most famous for being a “UFC Octagon girl”, which I guess means she carries around an octagon-shaped board with a number on it. I was trying to figure some way to insert a joke about the ring and an octagon and her boobs, but I figured you wouldn’t be paying attention anyway. Am I right? Right? Hellooooooo?

2011′s Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair claims the above bruises were inflicted by Hugh Hefner’s son Marston after a “violent rampage” over the weekend. TMZ says:

21-year-old Marston Hefner was arrested Sunday night after allegedly kicking and punching Sinclair during an argument in their Pasadena, CA apartment.

Now, 20-year-old Sinclair [claims] the Playboy heir has physically abused her on SEVERAL OCCASIONS … but she’s still willing to forgive the guy, [saying], “I will not press charges against Marston Hefner if he keeps his word to give a public apology for physically abusing me on several occasions, and seeks psychiatric help for his anger issues.”

Just to be thorough, I thought it best that we revisit these nude pics of Claire Sinclair for any signs of domestic abuse that the cops might have missed. I didn’t get my Junior Detective’s badge by not asking questions. It was my proactive approach and can-do attitude.

Coco has since removed this photo of her lying naked next to her baby nephew from her Twitter page, because for some reason, people found it “objectionable.” And I bet the social worker that’s coming to visit will be even more uncool about it. You know how those guys freak out every time they see visible genitalia.

This is supposedly a pic of Miley Cyrus topless as she changed in the VIP area of some club in Spain back in May — presumably from the same set of leaked cell phone pics that came out soon after her iPhone was hacked — but somehow it’s just now hitting the interwebs, either because it’s a fake, or because TrainReq decided to play that ace he’d had up his sleeve this whole time. Either way you slice it, you still end up with free boobs. It’s your classic win-win scenario.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The 2012 Pirelli Calendar calendar — easily the most pretentious of all your gratuitous-titties-masquerading-as-art calendars — is set for release at the end of this year, and a preview of this year’s famous racks include those of Kate Moss, Lara Stone, Mila Jovovich and Isabeli Fontana. I’ve never wanted to seize the day with both hands before. And then motorboat the day like there was no tomorrow.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr is completely naked in these two black and white pics from INDUSTRIE Magazine #4, but you can only see her nipple in one of them. And even then, the rest of her lower half looks like a weird assemblage of limbs and cadaver parts, like what you might see if you looked down into an open mass grave outside a concentration camp. And frankly, those kinda thoughts make it take twice as long to masturbate, and I just don’t have that kinda time. I have anime battles to re-enact. Bring me my dueling swords and my furry tail!

Scarlett Johansson opens up about those hacked nude photos that surfaced online back in September in next month’s Vanity Fair magazine. The Daily Mail says:

Miss Johansson, 26, has explained that she sent [the photos] to her former husband, Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds.

‘Those are old, from three years ago,’ she told the magazine. ‘They were sent to my husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.

‘It’s not like I was shooting a porno – although there’s nothing wrong with that either.’

She even joked that they showed her in a flattering light because ‘I know my best angles’.

Did she just hint at a possible sex tape? Because it sounds like she was hinting at a possible sex tape. The little cricket on the poster at the library says if we believe hard enough, we can make it happen!

“Boardwalk Empire’s” Paz de la Huerta has a ridiculous body, but she has the kind of crazy eyes that you usually only see on someone pushing a rusty shopping cart downtown and yelling at pigeons. I wouldn’t know whether she was about to kiss me or stab me in the knee with a screwdriver.

In a photo shoot by acclaimed creepy pervert Terry Richardson:

Tara Reid hasn’t been photographed with her new husband Zack Kehayov in several weeks now, leading to speculation that getting married the day he proposed might have been a little premature. Good thing they were never actually legally married, then. The Daily Mail says:

The Hollywood star, 35, was quizzed by a photographer about married life as she landed at LAX, only for her to confess she isn’t actually wed.

When asked if she could win US show The Newlywed Game, Tara replied: ‘We would lose… we were never really married, it was never legal.’

She did not comment whether or not they were still together or if they had known at the time what they were doing was not legal.

Tara Reid looks like she was pieced together with cadaver parts and fishing twine, so my interest in this story has long since waned. However, my interest in model Natasha Poly nude in next month’s Vogue Espana has not. When I close a door, I always make sure to open a window.

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