Recognize the shapely gams of today’s Name That Celebrity? Come, come, now — don’t let’s be jealous. A couple of months with a personal trainer and regular lunges and you, too, could have toned thighs like these. Provided your trainer is actually your dealer and “lunges” is really street slang for “hepatitis C and crack cocaine.” You might try Gold’s Gym or maybe an abandoned warehouse near the projects for starters. Happy habituating!

The big reveal after the jump

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Don’t get me wrong — I love a good FM boot or S&M inspired heel. Unfortunately, there is nothing good about today’s Name That Celebrity footwear. Somewhere in between “ankle boot” and “gladiator sandal,” the mystery shoe looks like it started off as a dominatrix heel for Rihanna but then was half-assedly cobbled together for actress Sienna Miller. And if it’s for Sienna Miller, it’s safe to assume the pouches for condoms and coke are hidden somewhere inside the heel. Because she’s a slut who likes drugs, you see. Zing!

The big reveal after the jump!

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You all remember the “Fuzzy Wuzzy” poem from your toddler days — he was a bear, he had no hair, so he was bare, etc., etc. Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like today’s Name That Celebrity from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man’s ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, today’s mystery celeb finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months.

Find out the owner of those hirsute hams after the jump!

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Usually with this kind of embarrassing picture, I’d black bar the face and do a “Name That Celebrity” kind of post so you could guess whose back fat this was. However, the gigantic ass looming there beneath the bra sausage instantly gives it away, so there’s no sense in doing that. Really, the only was it could be any more obvious that it’s Kim Kardashian is if the picture were flanked by a couple of big black penises and they were all taking turns urinating on it. Because she’s a slut who likes getting peed on by black guys, you see.

Sausage Links shopping on Robertson Boulevard on Tuesday:

Here’s a Name That Celebrity you aren’t likely to get right away, namely because it isn’t Britney Spears, Britney Spears, or Britney Spears. Today’s mystery celebrity boasts a size 11 1/2 shoe. And boy, what a shoe. It’s the kind of shoe that ought to be flung from the foot of a post-op tranny in a fringed satin mini-dress and rhinestone eyelashes doing a high kick as he belts out the chorus to “I Will Survive.” But mostly, it should be on the foot of someone born with balls. It’s not. Find out Big Foot’s true identity after the jump!

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It’s time for another “Name That Celebrity!” Today’s mystery celeb has a set of gams on her that could only be rivaled by forties silver screen siren Rita Hayworth. Not Rita in her heyday, of course. Rita if you dug open her grave twenty years ago and exhumed her corpse and pulled out what’s left of her shins while they still had a good post-mortem bloat going on. That’d be some tough competition, alright! So would Barbara Bush and Rue McClanahan. Find out the geriatric owner of today’s old lady legs after the jump!

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I hand-picked today’s “Name That Celebrity” in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., because the King was not only a champion of civil rights and plagiarism, he was also a big fan of hot young ass. After all, next to apple pie and baseball, nothing’s more American than gettin’ pussy!

Find out the face of the celebrity ass flap after the jump.

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The first Name That Celebrity of 2008 is a real doozy. There’s no way you’re getting this one! Ass cracks aren’t as distinctive as you might think. In fact, it’s actually really hard to tell a famous ass crack from a civilian ass crack. Not without first analyzing their respective stools, anyway. The way I hear it, celebrity shit doesn’t stink and is made from the finest 24 karat gold. Fun fact: this particular celebrity ass crack boasts an anus bleached white as the driven snow. Hope that helps!

Take a crack at it yourself!

UPDATE: Now with delicious Censorship^TM additive! The actual (and in my opinion) completely LSFW unedited ass crack after the jump.

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I love guessing games. Always have. In fact, the speedometer in my car hasn’t worked for the last three years, but I haven’t bothered to fix it because I like to “guess” how fast I’m going most of the time. All I have to do is compare the RPMs to the relative gear that I’m in. For example, third gear/low threes is about fifty miles an hour. Fifth gear/high twos is roughly sixty-five miles an hour. That way, when an officer pulls me over and asks if I know how fast I was going, I can honestly say, “No, sir, I don’t.” Also, it makes drinking and driving way more of a challenge than it already is. It’s like Battle of the Brains for your car.

But I digress. The point is that you, like me, like keeping your rapist’s wit¹ sharpened and your mind limber, and nothing stirs up the old gray matter like a good “Name That Celebrity.” Today’s celebrity body part: the boil-riddled lower jaw (and possible mustache?) of a well-known Hollywood actress. You usually only find cysts that big on a ovary or near a overflowing bedpan, but this lucky starlet had them set up shop on her face. Look out, meth addicts — there’s a new girl in town!

The meth-tacular reveal after the jump

¹_{To anyone who says it’s “rapier’s wit”: nobody likes you}

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It’s been a while since we’ve had a good “Name That Celebrity” around here, and I thought today’s mystery celeb hand was a great NTC candidate. It’s not often you find paws that grubby on a celebrity. On a hobo or a rail worker or a charcoal briquette juggler, sure, but not a celebrity. There’s a little something called “soap” that’s all the rage in Hollywood now. Also big in Hollywood: cocaine and anal. But coke and butt sex don’t keep your hands clean, so you can guess in which our mystery celeb indulges.

The big NTC reveal after the jump!

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