A German model was charged Thursday with trying to extort $100,000 from Cindy Crawford by using a “sexy” photo of the supermodel’s then-7-year-old daughter Kaia “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged.” The picture, reportedly stolen from the Crawford’s former nanny, was simply part of an innocuous “cops and robbers” game the nanny claims to have played with the children. Yeah, that’s normal. The NY Daily News says

[German model and the nanny's ex-boyfriend] Edis Kayalar [initially] told Crawford and Gerber [back in July] that he was broke and wanted a reward for returning the photo, portraying himself as a “good guy.”

Gerber met Kayalar and Kayalar handed the photo over. Gerber gave him $1,000 for his “trouble.”

But Kayalar contacted the couple two days later, allegedly claiming he still had a copy of the photo and threatening to sell it to a tabloid for $500,000.

Crawford and Gerber went to the cops, who picked up Kayalar. He was turned over to immigration officials, who booted him from the country in September because he was here illegally.

Well, all’s well that ends well, right? Um, not exactly…

The couple thought their nightmare was over until Nov. 1, when Kayalar e-mailed them from Germany with new threats of selling the photo to a tabloid if they did not pay him $100,000.

Kayalar allegedly gave Gerber a German bank account number and routing information, saying the money should be wired within three days or the photo would be made public.

As of Thursday night, Kayalar had not been arrested. Authorities were searching for him in Germany.

Well, if you don’t want sexy bondage pictures of your second-grader on the internet, DON’T LEAVE THEM WITH FUCKING STRANGERS WHILE YOU GO GALLIVANTING AROUND EUROPE!!!! Just like you don’t leave your kids on the railroad tracks while you run errands and you don’t give them a dry cleaning bag and a handgun to occupy them while you touch up your makeup. Jesus Christ. Am I taking crazy pills? It seems so common sense to me! And for the record, I’m pretty sure that “au pair” is actually French for “shitty parent.” Look it up.

Cindy with her daughter in Hawaii last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

All may not be well in Brangelinaland — Angelina reportedly caught Brad dallying with the help late last week. According to Star Magazine

Brad was on the bed, rubbing the back of a pretty young nanny! Angie got so mad she slapped Brad and fired the girl on the spot!

“She completely flipped out,” says the insider. “She got right in Brad’s face, screaming at the top of her lungs, and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back!”

The explosive argument woke up the sleeping twins, who began to cry. As Brad tried to console both the twins and the nanny, Angie just snapped — and slapped! — hitting him right across the face.

“He was stunned,” reveals the insider.

What makes this all the more shameful is that Angie reportedly used Brad’s own ballsack to slap him in the face. “Keeping his nuts on my person with his spine and what’s left of his free will really comes in handy during an argument,” she’s quoted as saying. I’d have to agree with her there. In my own personal experience, nothing stings quite like a scrotum to the face. But I’m afraid that’s a story for another day!

Angie filming “Salt” in D.C.:

Everyone’s favourite peg-legged shrew, Heather Mills, is getting her golddigging ass sued by her former nanny, Sara Trumble, for “sex discrimination and intimidation.”  From the Daily Mail:

Sara Trumble claims she was given duties way beyond her role as childminder to five-year-old Beatrice, Miss Mills’s daughter by Sir Paul McCartney.

She has complained she was asked to give Miss Mills naked spray tans, come to work at 7.30am to blow dry her hair, and work as late as midnight.

The nanny however, lodged a constructive dismissal claim with an employment tribunal in Ashford, Kent, last week.

The two sides now have 28 days to try to reach an agreement  -  and if they fail they will have to air their differences in court.

The last time Miss Mills was involved in a court case, during her divorce from Sir Paul, she poured a jug of water over the head of his divorce lawyer, Fiona Shackleton.

Miss Mills, worth £24million after her divorce, has rejected an offer to pay an out-of-court settlement to Miss Trumble.

If that’s not a full enough bucket of crazy for you, then feast on this, gluttons:

In a new development, a two minute YouTube video, entitled Sara Trumble: My true story was posted on the website last night featuring Miss Trumble praising Miss Mills and her parenting skills.

Although the initial seconds of the video feature Miss Trumble speaking over footage over the news story of her recent allegations, she does not address them directly.

In the video, Miss Trumble said: ‘It drives me mad the stories that come out and they’re all lies. So many lies. You just want to shout and scream at the press and tell them that it’s just rubbish.’

A friend of Miss Trumble claims the footage was shot months ago and she is furious over the way she has been portrayed.

A close pal said: ‘Sara is absolutely fuming about that video, but it’s just the sort of stunt her ladyship pulls.

‘All Heather’s staff are ordered to film a 15-minute interview when they join, saying what a wonderful woman she is and how evil the newspapers are.

‘She has chosen a few seconds of footage from Sara’s interview and stuck them together with pictures of the story about her court case, to make it look like she’s being interviewed today.’

Heather Mills is a straight-up lunatic, so it is my fervent wish that this shit goes to court and plays out like a subplot from an 80s prime time soap.  I just hope like hell she wears this suit again:

It’s just like the uniform of a campus security guard at Clown College!