Naomi Campbell did her best Britney Spears impression as she danced it up underpants-less in a St. Tropez nightclub with boyfriend Vladimir Doronin, flashing her snatch for all the waiting paparazzi to see. Although I can’t say for sure that’s her vagina. It could be a charcoal briquette next to a piece of bacon fat or maybe just part of her left teste. Only Naomi’s gynecologist knows for sure!

Most of these (including the super closeups I made just for you) are NSFW:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Rage-fueled supermodel Naomi Campbell is at it again! According to the NY Daily News

Naomi has been accused of attacking a photographer and putting him in the hospital during a holiday in Italy with her billionaire boyfriend. The photog claims: “First she hit with her bag, screaming at me, and then she tried to slap me. I managed to avoid her - but her nails still got my eye.”

Although formal charges have not been filed, it stands to reason that Naomi did assault the photographer. Like this time she assaulted a stewardess on British Airways. Or this time she scratched up her therapist. Or this time she chucked a cell phone at her housekeeper. Hey, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, watch out, because it might just be Naomi Campbell in a duck costume. I wouldn’t go poking it with sticks or making eye contact or anything.

On holiday in Italy with billionaire boyfriend Mikhail Prokhorov:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Ever heard that old joke that goes, “What’s better than a supermodel in a swimsuit?” Well, just so you know, the answer is supposed to be “SIX supermodels in a swimsuit.” If you answer “A pocket full of roofies and a hand-held video camera,” everyone stars staring at you all weird and covering their drinks.

From V Magazine’s first ever swimsuit issue starring Kate Moss, Gisele Bundchen, Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell, Eva Herzigova, and Daria Werbowy:

Naomi Campbell’s receding hairline made another appearance during her gracious and dignified exit from Cipriani restaurant yesterday. The Daily Mail says

The supermodel, whose receding hairline was clearly visible as she brushed her hair back, started shouting and ran back inside [the restaurant]. She then re-emerged, shouting and screaming before she got into her waiting car, where she soon slumped sideways.

I say Naomi’s got another inch before she can’t conceal the horns anymore. Two inches, tops. And that’s when the thousand year reign of the Christ will come to an end and Naomi will assume her rightful place as the Antichrist and rule over the Earth until the End of Days. Judgement Day, baby!

Naomi was boozing it up in Capri on Tuesday when she and the pavement got into a physical altercation. As you can plainly see, Naomi wins. Sure, the pavement gets a blow in, but Naomi gets back up; the pavement stays down like the little bitch-ass it is. That’s ‘cuz you don’t fuck with Naomi when she’s packin’ her cell phone, beeyotches! Recognize!

Photos: INFdaily.com

Christina Ricci was photographed yesterday looking like she ought to be crouched behind an underground organ in a Paris opera house instead of leaving a Beverly Hills tanning salon. She’s a dead ringer for Lon Chaney’s 1925 Phantom. Luckily, what the original Phantom of the Opera was lacking in purging noises and compulsive exercising, Christina Ricci deftly brings to the table with her index finger and esophageal sphincter!

Unrelated Naomi Campbell crying at her 38th birthday on P. Diddy’s yacht:

Perhaps as a side effect from all the evil, supermodel Naomi Campbell is slowly going bald. The Daily Mail reports

[At] the opening of night of La Fille Du Regiment in New York last night [Naomi's] hair extensions revealed a wide parting, and what looked like hair loss. The model’s natural hairline appears to have disappeared, with her hair extensions - or weave as it’s more commonly known - starting quite some way back from where the hairline should be.

So there is some credence to the expression “I’m gonna snatch you bald-headed.” I always though Grandmama was making that up. God only knows what “slap the snot outta you,” “be on you like white on rice,” and “beat the livin’ daylights outta you, missy” actually look like.

Before and after:

Ataturkian strategist and supermodel Naomi Campbell is firing back at British Airways after they banned her for life earlier this month. Read: they can’t ban her because she’s banning them. In your fuckin’ face, British Airways! According to The Mirror

[Naomi] is now claiming that BA has begged her to use their services again. Campbell, 37, told a Brazilian newspaper interview: “Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them. They didn’t find my bag - said it wasn’t in the system - and there was a complete disrespect for passengers. I am speaking for all those who have been disrespected.”

However, a BA insider said: “We are not aware of any pleading phone calls to Ms Campbell.”

A clever response, indeed, best executed when “I know you are, but what am I?” and “Neener neener neener” have already been exhausted. You can find more helpful hints like these in “The Art of War” under the heading “recess.”

Notoriously temperamental supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow Airport yesterday for assaulting a police officer who attempted to remove her from the plane. The NY Daily News reports

The volatile vixen went bonkers when flight attendants on British Airways Flight 269 informed her one of her bags was missing. Witnesses said Campbell, 37, began berating staffers. [One passenger] said, “It was pretty violent. You could hear her screaming. It went on maybe 10 or 15 minutes. It was so bad they had to get three cops to take her away.”

Authorities said she spit on and took a swing at one male cop before being deemed unfit to fly and removed from the plane in handcuffs. The London-to-Los Angeles flight left more than an hour late without Campbell, who was detained at the Heathrow police station.

A hard lesson for any girl to have to learn. While it may be perfectly acceptable to spit on migrant workers and slap the homeless, one person you don’t want to attack is a uniformed police officer. Same goes for any type of circuit court judge or parole officer. I’ve found you can adequately convey your displeasure by the simple act of taking a dump in the backseat of the squad car. That way, it’s just “misdemeanor indecent exposure” instead of “felony assault on a police officer.” Just as effective, and only a third of the jail time! Look for more handy tips like these in my soon to be published autobiography “Turning the Tables: You Can’t Fire Me Because I’m Firing YOU!”

Naomi for Pinko:

The latest issue of W Magazine boasts excerpts from the diary supermodel Naomi Campbell kept while performing her court-ordered community service, along with a corresponding pictorial documenting her time spent as a public servant. Naomi writes:

“I find solace in sweeping. I have no other responsibility. I have no phone. I have the time to think. Just have, you know, peace.”

I, too, find solace in sweeping. Well, technically, solace with just the broom. Okay… more of a “using the broom handle to bash the living fuck out of the plasma screen my ex-husband thought he was getting in the settlement” kind of solace, but solace nonetheless. Also, in a pinch, you can always find solace by making sweet love to yourself with a broom handle, but only after lots of tequila and a couple of crisp twenties find their way into your g-string. That said, I figured Naomi would have already spent some quality time with a broom on those nights she meets with her coven. You know, to drink rabbit blood and eat little children and grind the bones of Mexican houseworkers to make her bread. Succubus!

More of the succubus in her W pictorial after the jump

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Former supermodel Naomi Campbel has decided that an allergic reaction to alcohol is to blame for her unpredictable tirades and maid-beatings. Starpulse.com quotes her as saying:

“I choose not to drink today in my life because I find that I’m allergic to alcohol. I’m not someone that’s in denial of my problems and I’m not going to lie about my problems and I’m not hiding my problems.”

You can tell it’s true because she says the word “problems” 87 times in one sentence. Subtle. And the timeless “allergy ruse” — I wonder if that unfortunate malady also includes a reaction to “cocaine” and “sex with old men.” I suffered from Old Man Allergy for years, particularly in the summer, when old man balls tend to inch their way out of the bottoms of swimming trunks like fleshy pink sea slugs seeking out the warmth of the sun. And it’s not just throwing up, either. It’s more like a seizure. With lots of sand-throwing and kicking and some swears.

Volatile supermodel Naomi Campbell finished up her round of court-ordered community service last Friday in a designer dress and stilleto heels. According to New York Daily News,

Naomi Campbell had her own agenda in mind last week as she strutted into a city Sanitation Department garage — was posing for Steven Klein’s paparazzi-style pix that are rumored to be running in the July issue of the fashion bible W magazine. According to Campbell’s Web site, Klein has already shot her for the cover of W’s July issue. Industry sources are now speculating that Klein will use Campbell’s walk of shame as part of the magazine spread. Klein is also expected to be behind the lens when Naomi poses in a slinky studio photo shoot performing menial chores like swabbing toilets and scrubbing sinks covered in dirt or cleaning product.

That sounds great and all, but what about the pictures of Naomi exploding out of her dress as her body morphs into a massive green mountain of muscle and sinew? “Naomi smash! Naomi no like Latino housekeepers! Naomi ANGRY! Rrrrragh!” I think those pictures would be a lot cooler than the ones of her in in a fancy gown scrubbing a crapper. Especially if you got a load of her penis when the dress exploded. W magazine should really look into that.