It was revealed last month that Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband Francois Henri-Pinault was the mystery father of 90′s supermodel Linda Evangelista’s bastard child, and before you clutch your pearls and gasp with disbelief, you should know that little Augustin was not the product of an affair — he was conceived back in 2006 while Henri-Pinault and Salma were on a break. Long story short, Linda Evangelista is now demanding $46,000 a month in child support from her baby daddy. Us Magazine says:

Evangelista, 46, arrived at Manhattan family court on Monday to argue her case; Support Magistrate Matthew Troy called the request “the largest support order in the history of the Family Court.”

Evangelista’s lawyer argued that monthly sum — totaling $552,000 a year — would cover costs for round-the-clock nannies, drivers and security detail to keep little Augustin well-adjusted and safe.

Half a million dollars a year? I think that’s a bit much. I’m a mother, and I know firsthand that all you really need to keep a child “well-adjusted” and “safe” is a monthly WIC check, a Play Station 3, and the Cartoon Network. It’s up to the public school system to do the rest.

Linda Evangelista + the greatest supermodels of the 90′s — Helena Christensen, Claudia Schiffer, Eva Herzigova, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington, and Stephanie Seymour — in GQ Russia earlier this year:

If Dionne Warwick doing nude calisthenics in an indoor pool is your masturbatory fantasy, then you just stumbled on a fucking gold mine, my friend. The rest of us non-pervert-weirdos can plan on being disappointed.

Naomi Campbell in the March issue of GQ UK:

Psst… Naomi… your bald spot is showing. Bumblebee tuna! The Daily Mail says

The supermodel revealed a huge bald patch beneath her long luscious wig while on a fashion shoot for designer Dennis Basso in New York today.

The 40-year-old has revealed signs of a vanishing hairline before, but the true extent of the problem was put show after a gust of wind caught her off-guard. It appears that years of wearing tight hair extensions have [caused] severe breakage.

But Naomi appeared oblivious as she posed at a gas station in the Meatpacking district.

I’m not so sure that really is Naomi Campbell. It looks an awful lot like Queen Nefertiti’s mummified corpse zombie-attacking a gas station. Really, have you seen the price of premium lately? Tell me that doesn’t stink of ancient Egyptian curse right there!

See older balding photos here and here:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Naomi Campbell stayed true to form and punched a cameraman after a ABC News reporter continually questioned her regarding a “blood diamond” reportedly given to her by deposed African dictator Charles Taylor. For those of you who don’t keep up with ousted African despots, Taylor is currently facing trial for using the uncut diamonds to embark on five-year long butchering spree that left thousands people in Sierra Leone dead or amputees. According to NY Daily News

“I didn’t receive a blood diamond and I’m not going to speak about that, thank you very much” Campbell barked before storming off and punching the camera in the producer’s hands.

Campbell’s association with Taylor was brought to light by actress Mia Farrow, who told prosecutors that she heard the model describe a “huge diamond” she had received from the dictator.

“You don’t forget when a girlfriend tells you she was given a huge diamond in the middle of the night,” Farrow told ABC. “She said during the night, some men had knocked at her door and she, half asleep, had opened the door and it was representatives of President Charles Taylor and that they had given her a huge diamond,” Farrow recalled.

Prosecutors say the incident could directly link Taylor to the possession of uncut diamonds [used to] purchase weapons for his Sierra Leone soldiers, [but] Campbell has refused to be interviewed [by the] UN-backed Special Court for Sierra Leone about the allegations against Taylor.

Jesus Christ. She’s like a real-life Cruella de Vil. Only instead of Dalmation puppy fur, her coat is made out of amputated limbs and human souls, with extra pockets for her Morgul blades. I hear there’s this great Nazgûl seamstress down in Minas Morgul who does all her custom-tailoring.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Supermodel Naomi Campbell allegedly slapped and punched her chauffeur in the head yesterday, making a solid hat trick of her 2000 arrest for chucking a phone at a maid and her assault incident in a London airport last year. The Daily Mail says

Driver Miodrag Mejdina, 27, claimed the supermodel was sitting in the back seat of the black Cadillac Escalade when she allegedly flew into a rage and punched him.

When the driver stopped his car in midtown Manhattan to call the police at about 3pm yesterday, Miss Campbell allegedly jumped out and fled on foot.

Police said the chauffeur, who had been hired for the day, suffered bruising to his right eye but did not say what prompted the alleged attack.

‘There shouldn’t be a rush to judgement,’ [Campbell's] spokesman Jeff Raymond said. ‘Naomi will cooperate voluntarily, and there is more to the story than meets the eye.’

There’s more to this story than “meets the eye?” Like how the back of closed fist and maybe a swipe of the acrylic fingernails might “meet” some poor bastard’s eye? Telling choice of words, Mr. Spokesperson. Now might be the time to invest in some protective headgear.

At the Elle Women of Style Awards last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Naomi Campbell did her best Britney Spears impression as she danced it up underpants-less in a St. Tropez nightclub with boyfriend Vladimir Doronin, flashing her snatch for all the waiting paparazzi to see. Although I can’t say for sure that’s her vagina. It could be a charcoal briquette next to a piece of bacon fat or maybe just part of her left teste. Only Naomi’s gynecologist knows for sure!

Most of these (including the super closeups I made just for you) are NSFW:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Rage-fueled supermodel Naomi Campbell is at it again! According to the NY Daily News

Naomi has been accused of attacking a photographer and putting him in the hospital during a holiday in Italy with her billionaire boyfriend. The photog claims: “First she hit with her bag, screaming at me, and then she tried to slap me. I managed to avoid her – but her nails still got my eye.”

Although formal charges have not been filed, it stands to reason that Naomi did assault the photographer. Like this time she assaulted a stewardess on British Airways. Or this time she scratched up her therapist. Or this time she chucked a cell phone at her housekeeper. Hey, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, watch out, because it might just be Naomi Campbell in a duck costume. I wouldn’t go poking it with sticks or making eye contact or anything.

On holiday in Italy with billionaire boyfriend Mikhail Prokhorov:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Ever heard that old joke that goes, “What’s better than a supermodel in a swimsuit?” Well, just so you know, the answer is supposed to be “SIX supermodels in a swimsuit.” If you answer “A pocket full of roofies and a hand-held video camera,” everyone stars staring at you all weird and covering their drinks.

From V Magazine’s first ever swimsuit issue starring Kate Moss, Gisele Bundchen, Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell, Eva Herzigova, and Daria Werbowy:

Naomi Campbell’s receding hairline made another appearance during her gracious and dignified exit from Cipriani restaurant yesterday. The Daily Mail says

The supermodel, whose receding hairline was clearly visible as she brushed her hair back, started shouting and ran back inside [the restaurant]. She then re-emerged, shouting and screaming before she got into her waiting car, where she soon slumped sideways.

I say Naomi’s got another inch before she can’t conceal the horns anymore. Two inches, tops. And that’s when the thousand year reign of the Christ will come to an end and Naomi will assume her rightful place as the Antichrist and rule over the Earth until the End of Days. Judgement Day, baby!

Naomi was boozing it up in Capri on Tuesday when she and the pavement got into a physical altercation. As you can plainly see, Naomi wins. Sure, the pavement gets a blow in, but Naomi gets back up; the pavement stays down like the little bitch-ass it is. That’s ‘cuz you don’t fuck with Naomi when she’s packin’ her cell phone, beeyotches! Recognize!

Photos: INFdaily.com

Christina Ricci was photographed yesterday looking like she ought to be crouched behind an underground organ in a Paris opera house instead of leaving a Beverly Hills tanning salon. She’s a dead ringer for Lon Chaney’s 1925 Phantom. Luckily, what the original Phantom of the Opera was lacking in purging noises and compulsive exercising, Christina Ricci deftly brings to the table with her index finger and esophageal sphincter!

Unrelated Naomi Campbell crying at her 38th birthday on P. Diddy’s yacht:

Perhaps as a side effect from all the evil, supermodel Naomi Campbell is slowly going bald. The Daily Mail reports

[At] the opening of night of La Fille Du Regiment in New York last night [Naomi's] hair extensions revealed a wide parting, and what looked like hair loss. The model’s natural hairline appears to have disappeared, with her hair extensions – or weave as it’s more commonly known – starting quite some way back from where the hairline should be.

So there is some credence to the expression “I’m gonna snatch you bald-headed.” I always though Grandmama was making that up. God only knows what “slap the snot outta you,” “be on you like white on rice,” and “beat the livin’ daylights outta you, missy” actually look like.

Before and after: