The ass-tabulous Nereida Gallardo was all smiles after being dumped this week by soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo, apparently comforted by the gentle hands of a woman bearing tanning oil. You can’t go wrong with a good rubdown from a some slut in a bikini. It’s a sure fix. Definitely a step up from the “pat-down by an arresting officer and a cavity search in the drunk tank” route I usually take. A lot less pepper spray, too.

If you’ve never heard of her before, Nereida Gallardo is the model girlfriend of Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. She is also the possessor of one of the most magnificent asses I’ve ever seen. And believe me, I’ve seen my share of magnificent asses. Mostly because I own a mirror. But this ass is something special. If you stare at it long enough, you’ll see the face of God and discover meaning and purpose in your life. I know that I discovered mine. It turns out that my calling in life is actually staring at Nereida Gallardo’s ass. Just a lucky break, I guess! And to think, I actually bought “Man’s Search for Meaning.” Oprah Winfrey can suck it.