I was all ready to make some hackneyed joke about how “me likey the lychan,” because I was pretty sure Kellan Lutz was one of the werewolves in the new Twilight movie, and the technical name for werewolves is lycanthropes. Comedy gold, right? Yeah, I thought so. But then I thought, “Hang on, I better check to make sure that’s right,” because God forbid I say that dude’s a werewolf when he’s actually one of the Dolturi or whatever the hell they’re called. So then I find myself scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios when suddenly it occurs to me — “I’m fucking scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios.” Frankly, they just don’t pay me enough for that shit. You can do the research your own damn self.

I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

I haven’t read any of the Twilight series or seen the movie, mostly because I’m not a simpering moron or currently enrolled in high school (which I know is redundant, but I’m saying anyway in case any Twilight fans are reading this — work with me here). Anyway, the stupid New Moon movie poster has supposedly leaked, and the general consensus among fans has been OMFG IJPMP! GG 9 KPC4VR!!! OK! Magazine says

The folks behind New Moon… need to do a better job of keeping a lid on the secrets of the sure-to-be huge sequel to Twilight. First, a woman finds a copy of the film’s script in the trash, and now it looks like the first official poster for the movie might have been leaked.

The artwork… features a smoldering R-Patts being kept away from on-screen love interest Kristen Stewart by a glowering Taylor Lautner, all set in a very misty forest.

That is quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. Right after “On Hands on Dick: Virgin Sailors” and the script for “Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

Less gay but equally disturbing (click image for NSFW) Octomom-themed porn “Coctomom” poster:

Twilight is easily one of the DUMBEST series of books in the history of ever, and it resulted in one of the dumbest, most boring movies ever made, starring a pothead and an unkempt retard who share absolutely no chemistry and stand around mouthbreathing and glaring at each other for two hours.  Naturally, everyone involved became a huge celebrity and now we get to look at a hundred boring-ass pictures of them making jackassy faces on their birthdays.  How delightful.

Robert Pattinson leaving his 23rd birthday party:

There’s not much things worse than having to be around someone who stinks. I used to work at a small gift shop where we also sold lottery tickets and scratchers, and so we’d have a regular clientele of old people, since old people have nothing better to do than watch soap operas, get enemas and buy lottery tickets. Well if you’ve been around old people enough, you’re likely to have smelled a ripe one. You know, the one that smells like unwashed crotch, mothballs, with notes of cheap perfume or BenGay. So I totally empathize with the cast of the new Twilight movie “New Moon”, because according to reports, teen heartthrob Robert Pattinson avoids showers like a vampire avoids the sun.

Despite the assumed notion by many “Twilight” fans that Robert Pattinson is perfect, reports from the set of “New Moon” prove that even the dreamiest guys have their flaws.

“He stinks. I mean, it’s awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy,” the source said about Pattinson’s personal hygiene. “He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added.

Well, now we know how he gets his trademark bedhead-look. Sebum is so now!