Robert Pattinson was at the BAFTAs yesterday for some inexplicable reason, and I’m pretty sure his swamp ass left an oil slick on the red carpet.  Seriously, I know this idiot has a history of general disdain for basic personal hygiene, but god DAMN.  I bet you could deep fry a turkey in the skuzz you’d get if you wrung out his hair.

Robert Pattinson at Sunday’s BAFTAs:

The sound you hear is the panicked screaming of eight million Twihards.  But settle down spazatrons, because Taylor Lautner isn’t actually dead.  From E!:

In a career milestone achieved by only a select few (and Jaleel White), Twilight Saga star Taylor Lautner has become the victim of his very own Internet death hoax.

Take that, Robert Pattinson.

No, Lautner’s not really dead. A rep for Summit Entertainment tells E! News, “I am almost 100-percent positive this is a hoax.” (After double-checking with the home office in Hollywood, the rep confirmed this was indeed a hoax.)

Besides, unless our favorite werewolf doubles as a zombie, he’ll be presenting in the flesh at Sunday’s Golden Globe Awards, organizers announced today.

Well, that’s a shame.  Now that Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled, I have no use at all for Taylor Lautner so he may as well be dead for realsies.  His demise would probably cause heart attacks in at least half of those creepy Twimums, so it would be an humanitarian effort, really.

Ashley Greene is everywhere lately because ain’t no escaping any o’ them Twilight fools, but at least she’s better than Kristen Stewart.  Ashley doesn’t incessantly bite her lip like she’s trying to eat her own face from the inside out, and she also generally looks like she washes her hair at least once a week.  More importantly, Ashley has been slutting it up as hard as she can recently, which makes my job easier because you pervs are insatiable and it’s winter and the only other ladies flitting around half naked today are Victoria Silvstedt, who is an actual whore (as in literally a prostitute) and Rachel Zoe, who looks like she’s been dead since about 2006.

More photos from Ashley Greene’s “skinsuit” body paint shoot for SoBe Life Water, which will be featured in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (you can see a video of the shoot here):

This is Ashley Greene in a body paint “skinsuit” on the Turks and Caicos islands for a new SoBe commercial.  Photos from the shoot will appear in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

The 22-year-old actress modeled two of make-up artist Joanne Gair’s hand-painted SoBe skinsuits which were inspired by the new, exotic SoBe Lifewater 0 calorie flavors — Cherimoya Punch and Strawberry Dragonfruit. The skinsuits take their design cues from the SoBe bottles – from the painted scales right down to SoBe’s signature lizard.

Ashley shared, “Being a part of the SoBe skinsuit shoot in the Turks and Caicos was amazing. It took the artist 12 hours to paint the SoBe scales on each skinsuit, but it was totally worth it. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.”

Oh and hey, if you like half-naked ladies and gambling (and who doesn’t?) you can enter SoBe’s “Zero Calories, Zero Inhibitions Vegas Sweepstakes” which runs from now until Friday, January 29 on SoBe.com. One winner and three friends will receive tickets to the invite-only 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition launch in Las Vegas.

Ashley Greene (of the Twilight movies) went to a New Year’s party, and somehow the personal photos she took at the party ended up on the webernets.  Maybe because she’s an attention whore and she leaked them herself, or maybe one of her friends is a moneygrubbing backstabber who sold them, or JUST MAYBE it’s because you were a very good camper all last year and Santa brought you a belated surprise.  I guess Santa’s kind of a prude, though, because these pictures are really tame.  Or maybe Ashley learned her lesson after the last time some of her pictures got leaked, and now she keeps her clothes on.  I bet she even takes baths in footie pajamas.

Supposedly, Twilight retards Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent New Year’s Eve together on the Isle of Wight.  From Star:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart rang in 2010 together in England’s Isle of Wight.

The stars of Twilight were spotted bundled up in hoodies shopping on the island off England’s south coast and even took pics with a fan, according to reports.

Rob spent the holidays in his native London where he celebrated Christmas with his family so it’s no surprise his costar — who he’s had an on-and-off again romance with — would join him to usher in the new year!

Now, keep in mind that this is from Star, so there’s at least an 85% chance this story is entirely made up and the “reports” came from a talking badger and a bag of hashish.  But still, there is a remote possibility that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may have spent a day shopping on the same island, and maybe they were both wearing sweatshirts.  Oh mah gawd, y’all… can you feel the romance?  The passion?  The excitement? Yeah, me neither.  I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point, and now my whole left side is numb.

In some kind of ass-backwards attempt to convince us that Robert Pattinson isn’t smelly and disgusting, Bryce Dallas Howard told New York Magazine that his teeth are so brittle and rotten that they fall apart when string touches them.  From E!:

Apparently, using dental floss can be dangerous. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

The Twilight hunk supposedly chipped his tooth making sure he had healthy gums and could properly deny reports of being stinky, according to Eclipse costar Bryce Dallas Howard.

“Actually, he’s incredibly hygienic,” the actress told New York magazine at the premiere of her latest film, The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. “He told me this story that made me crack up. He was like, ‘Oh, I have to go to the dentist.’ And I was like, ‘Oh no, what happened? Just a checkup?’ And he was like, ‘No, I chipped a tooth.’ And I was like, ‘How?’ And he was like, ‘Flossing.’ ”

Before she could be handed an award for storytelling, she admitted, “I don’t even floss. So he’s hygienic. Trust me.”

Um… whatever, crazy lady.  Normal people’s teeth don’t fall apart during flossing, so I’m still pretty secure in my belief that Robert Pattinson is gross.  Also, it’s pretty gross that Bryce Dallas Howard doesn’t floss.  Is there anyone from the cast of Twilight who isn’t gross?  Jesus, it’s like everyone who gets within a square mile of that franchise just gives up on life and starts behaving like a vagrant.

I was all ready to make some hackneyed joke about how “me likey the lychan,” because I was pretty sure Kellan Lutz was one of the werewolves in the new Twilight movie, and the technical name for werewolves is lycanthropes. Comedy gold, right? Yeah, I thought so. But then I thought, “Hang on, I better check to make sure that’s right,” because God forbid I say that dude’s a werewolf when he’s actually one of the Dolturi or whatever the hell they’re called. So then I find myself scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios when suddenly it occurs to me — “I’m fucking scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios.” Frankly, they just don’t pay me enough for that shit. You can do the research your own damn self.

I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

I haven’t read any of the Twilight series or seen the movie, mostly because I’m not a simpering moron or currently enrolled in high school (which I know is redundant, but I’m saying anyway in case any Twilight fans are reading this — work with me here). Anyway, the stupid New Moon movie poster has supposedly leaked, and the general consensus among fans has been OMFG IJPMP! GG 9 KPC4VR!!! OK! Magazine says

The folks behind New Moon… need to do a better job of keeping a lid on the secrets of the sure-to-be huge sequel to Twilight. First, a woman finds a copy of the film’s script in the trash, and now it looks like the first official poster for the movie might have been leaked.

The artwork… features a smoldering R-Patts being kept away from on-screen love interest Kristen Stewart by a glowering Taylor Lautner, all set in a very misty forest.

That is quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. Right after “On Hands on Dick: Virgin Sailors” and the script for “Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

Less gay but equally disturbing (click image for NSFW) Octomom-themed porn “Coctomom” poster:

Twilight is easily one of the DUMBEST series of books in the history of ever, and it resulted in one of the dumbest, most boring movies ever made, starring a pothead and an unkempt retard who share absolutely no chemistry and stand around mouthbreathing and glaring at each other for two hours.  Naturally, everyone involved became a huge celebrity and now we get to look at a hundred boring-ass pictures of them making jackassy faces on their birthdays.  How delightful.

Robert Pattinson leaving his 23rd birthday party:

There’s not much things worse than having to be around someone who stinks. I used to work at a small gift shop where we also sold lottery tickets and scratchers, and so we’d have a regular clientele of old people, since old people have nothing better to do than watch soap operas, get enemas and buy lottery tickets. Well if you’ve been around old people enough, you’re likely to have smelled a ripe one. You know, the one that smells like unwashed crotch, mothballs, with notes of cheap perfume or BenGay. So I totally empathize with the cast of the new Twilight movie “New Moon”, because according to reports, teen heartthrob Robert Pattinson avoids showers like a vampire avoids the sun.

Despite the assumed notion by many “Twilight” fans that Robert Pattinson is perfect, reports from the set of “New Moon” prove that even the dreamiest guys have their flaws.

“He stinks. I mean, it’s awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy,” the source said about Pattinson’s personal hygiene. “He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added.

Well, now we know how he gets his trademark bedhead-look. Sebum is so now!