I could see how with the new red locks you might mistake Jessica Alba for Ashlee Simpson, but lucky for you, there’s a sure-fire way to tell them apart. Just get them on their knees, stuff your wiener in their mouth as far as it will go, and then look down at your testicles. If you can still see chin, it’s Ashlee Simpson. Problem solved!

Getting a manicure in Beverly Hills with some equally surly friends:

She’s gone and cut that man right out of her hair — Jon and Kate Plus 8’s Kate Gosselin’s reverse mullet has finally been bushwhacked! Try not to piss yourself from excitement. According to UsWeekly

“Kate is a beautiful woman and I wanted to expand on her already famous locks and try something new, fun and whimsical,” hair stylist Lavette Slater [said]. “Kate Gosselin wasn’t afraid to mix up her trademark look.”

And apparently she isn’t afraid to shanghai skater punk’s look directly from 1985, either. All she’s missing is a couple of NOFX stickers and a VHS copy of “Bones Brigade” in her backpack. FAIL.

UPDATE: So she’s back to the old ‘do. Like you even really give a shit.

Arriving and leaving “The View” yesterday:

Her “interview” with Taylor Swift during the Hot Topics panel after the jump

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I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed their time off! I know I did. Typing with your face is really hard and barf makes all the keys stick together, so posting hungover is never really an option for me.

And speaking of barf — gold medalist Michael Phelps is so serious about his new girlfriend Caroline Pal that he took her home to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And just who is this princess who’s captured his heart? People Magazine reveals

Pal [is] a waitress at the Palms Casino Resort’s Moon Nightclub.

The Olympic champ has been dating Pal, 26, for about two months. The two met after his record-setting performance in Beijing last summer.

Nothing like a family holiday where drinking is encouraged to test the fortitude of one’s new relationship. Especially if the new girl you’re debuting is some skank whose only talents seem to be “too ugly to be a showgirl” and “possible distant cousin of Tila Tequila.”

All class: