Newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon hosted a Magic Mountain wedding party at Six Flags in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Themed “Mariah and Nick — A Love Story,” Mimi booked the entire park for the evening. TMZ says of the party:

The newlyweds were driven around the park in a golf cart. At all times, Mariah was followed by a hairstylist and makeup artist. Mimi had her own private pot to piss in, with guards right outside the bathroom — you know, to keep her friends out. Their guests were [relegated to] non-private [shitters].

So they’re saying that Mariah actually goes to the bathroom? Wow — now there’s a surprise. I was fairly certain that the only thing coming out of her bottom looked like rainbows and smelled like angel whispers. Turns out her dump requires a staff of burly men blockading the powder room door. Boy, she makes my Uncle Tony look like a fucking amateur.

Don’t breathe in:

Three weeks ago, Mariah Carey claimed that she didn’t want children of her own “because of childhood traumatic stuff” (I’m guessing something with colorful winged insects getting stuck in her ranch dressing hose). But since walking down the aisle with Nick “Nobody” Cannon, Mariah has suddenly changed her tune. According to Rush and Molloy

Yesterday, one of Carey’s assistants called L.A.’s chic baby boutique Petit Tresor to talk about preparing for a little roommate. Mariah’s office asked if the store could send fabric samples with the theme of - you guessed it - butterflies! The Petit crew is sending pictures of the nursery they just finished for Jennifer Lopez’s twins.

The unfortunate thing about babies — however cute they may be — is that they inevitably grow up into awkward teenagers with braces and acne and the insatiable urge to abuse their bodies. Everything Mariah owns is pink and fluffy and covered in butterflies and glitter. You can see where I’m going with this. The only thing Mariah Carey should ever considering mothering is maybe a rainbow unicorn or a Barbie Mariposa. Something imaginary and guaranteed not to ruin your life with its cystic boils and angst and struggle for identity. And also something that does most of its pooping outside.

Mariah at Fred Segal’s on Sunday:

Singer Mariah Carey secretly married boyfriend Nick Cannon in an impromptu Bahama wedding on Wednesday. Best part is, she didn’t make him sign a pre-nup. The New York Post says

Carey married little-screen actor Nick Cannon at the home Carey just bought in Eleuthera. “They have been smitten with each other for days, weeks,” a friend said. “And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced, maybe this is true instant love. There was no pre-nup - there wasn’t time.”

Nick Cannon’s biggest claim to fame is getting dumped by Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks five months after he proposed to her. Mariah Carey, on the other hand, just surpassed Elvis as the artist with the most number one Billboard singles in history. Even if “All That” was shown 57 times a day in all 195 countries around the world for the next quarter of a century, Nick still wouldn’t have come within smelling range of Mariah Carey’s income tax bracket. But now that’s he’s married her, he gets to wipe his ass with Benjamin Franklin’s face for the rest of his life. The only way this guy could be any luckier is if his parents happened to be leprechaun-genie hybrids who lived in a wishing well.

Mariah Carey has yet to confirm it, but the diamond ring she’s wearing on her left hand definitely came from her new fiance, Nick Cannon. According to Page Six

Cannon bought the bauble for $2.5 million at Jacob & Co, [where our] witness overheard Cannon telling Jacob they are set to marry. Carey’s new bling is 17 carats, with a whopping 10-carat center stone, and made of rare pink and purple diamonds.

Nick could have saved himself a few bucks and a little dignity if he’d just tied himself to a sleeping bear, then sounded an airhorn in its face and started poking it with sticks made of angry bees. Same results as a lifetime spent with Mariah Carey, only a hell of a lot faster and cheaper. And you might get to keep your balls.

The She-Bear at the Tribeca premiere of her new movie “Tennessee” April 26th: