The father of John Graziano — the young marine left in a vegetative state after Nick Hogan’s 2007 car crash — was arrested yesterday for hiring a hit man to kill his estranged wife. Edward Graziano reportedly attempted to pay the hit man with a personal check and a thirteen-dollar gift card to a local pizzeria. You can’t make this shit up. According to TMZ

According to police, Edward Graziano told an undercover officer posing as a “go-between” to a hit man that he wanted to have his wife Debra killed. Perhaps most troubling — cops say Graziano wanted her killed in an automobile accident.

Graziano allegedly paid for the hit with $1,100 cash, a $1,000 personal check and a $13.06 gift card to Westshore Pizza.

$13.06 in coupons may not sound like much, but you have to take into consideration that Westshore pizza joint makes a killer Sicilian-style pie. They use real pecorino cheese and everything. I’d say that’s gotta be worth at least one human life, maybe two if they bypass traditional dough for focaccia. It’s not really fair to judge ’till you know all the facts.

After serving only 166 days for the car crash that left his “best friend” John Graziano in a vegetative state for the rest of his life, Nick Hogan was released from jail early this morning. The Daily Mail says

The 18-year-old was released from Pinellas County Jail in Florida just after midnight on Tuesday morning. He had been given an eight-month sentence after pleading no contest to a felony charge of reckless driving over the August 2007 car crash. However he was released early due to ‘good time’ credit.

Nick was taken to the family home in Clearwater, Florida, where onlookers said he was greeted by cheers.

You know, in times like these, I feel it’s best to turn to the Bible for guidance. Particularly the book of Exodus. Beginning in chapter 21 verse 12:

He who strikes a man so that he dies shall surely be put to death. But if he did not lie in wait for him, but God let him fall into his hand, then I will appoint you a place to which he may flee. If anyone is injured, the offender must pay a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot, a burn for a burn, a bruise for a bruise, a wound for a wound.

Given my vast hermeneutical knowledge and my brief stint in seminary, it’s pretty clear from these texts that God wants Nick to have two-thirds of his head bashed in before he’s shipped off to some nuclear testing site far away from civilized society. And sorry, but there’s just no arguing with God. Just ask the Jews about their little “vacation” in the desert if you don’t believe me.

17 year-old Nick Hogan is about to get a little birthday present from the Florida penal system on Sunday. Penal. How apropos! According to TMZ

Bollea, who has been housed with juveniles, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates either awaiting sentencing or already sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

Ah, the gift of anal rape. Is there anything better? I know it certainly made my 13th birthday a day I’ll never forget. No matter how many therapists they make me talk to.

The family of John Graziano — the young marine left a vegetable after Nick Hogan parked his Supra inside a palm tree last summer — has released hospital footage of their son in response to Hulk Hogan’s repeated claims that “John was injured so that God could make him a better person.” The video is graphic and disturbing and shows a man in the prime of his life reduced to drooling and blinking in a hospital bed, but you know, maybe Hulk is right. Maybe John and his family aren’t exploring all their options here. I’m sure there could be a rewarding life ahead of him as a comic book villain called “Crater Face” or as bowl for the family’s loose change and car keys. And to think, his parents dared to paint him the victim in all this! People can be so fucking ungrateful sometimes.

Just after taped jail conversations between Nick Hogan and his mother were made public on Friday, Nick’s “sister” Brooke was involved in a car accident on Sunday. She writes on her MySpace:

“I don’t know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves… As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn’t have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us. It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.”

Then her passenger friend added:

~~~Hey this is Brookes friend and passenger, I just wanted to say that Brooke basically saved my life by making me wear my seat belt ….She is such a great friend and a good person! You all should know that! check out what I have to say on my MySpace… I’m on her top friends : La♥La

Well, let it be said that John Graziano’s debilitating head injury and permanent vegetative state were not in vain, because it kept Brooke Hogan and a Teletubby from getting hurt in a car accident. Granted, Brooke and company weren’t pushing Mach 5 into a concrete abutment with a bloodstream full of Bud Light, and Brooke could have probably just grabbed the speeding car by the fender and hurled it over a cliff Hulk-style before it ever touched them, but that’s not the point. The point here is that Brooke Hogan looks like the fucking Iron Monger in a blonde wig. Run fast. Run far.

On the set of her reality show last month:

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan was booked today on multiple criminal charges stemming from his car accident back in August. You might remember the crash left passenger 22-year old John Graziano on life support with little more motor function than periodically opening and shutting his eyes. According to People Magazine

Charges against the teen include reckless driving involving serious bodily injury in connection; using a motor vehicle in commission of a felony; being under age 21 and operating a vehicle while having a breath-alcohol level of .02 percent or higher; and having illegal window tinting. According to the paper, blood work done on Bollea two hours after the crash showed his “ethanol serum level” at 0.055 percent.

The Hogan family response, issued via their lawyers:

There has been much speculation as to the speed and wet road conditions surrounding this accident. Although all the evidence has not been evaluated, preliminary reports from the experts indicate that this was not, in fact, a high-speed accident. Because Nick is still a juvenile and has no prior criminal record, we are disappointed that he is being charged as an adult offender.

The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his. Because of what happened to John, the entire [Hogan] family will make it a priority to increase public awareness about the importance of always wearing your seatbelt.

Oh, kudos, Hogan family. Seatbelt awareness, all so that the opening and closing of John Graziano’s eyes may not be in vain. It reminds me of the classic chick flick “Beaches,” the story of two unlikely friends discovering the true meaning of friendship. That is, Bette Midler blaming the catatonic guy for not wearing a seat belt while she’s playing Tokyo Drift in the rain after a couple of drinks. Rated PG-13 for language and gratuitous finger-pointing.

Tranny sisiter Brooke at the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards: