Newlyweds Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey are currently on their honeymoon in St. Bart’s, where they spent the day canoodling, frolicking, and skipping rocks together on the beach. Just like the couples in the herpes commercials do, once they’ve taken control of their life with a twice daily topical medication that eases the symptoms associated with genital sores. Not that I’m saying they have herpes or anything. But if they don’t, they should.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband Nick Lachey and former MTV something-or-other Vanessa Minnillo were married today, and surprise, surprise — Nick’s already found a way to make a reality show out of it. Because it worked out so well the first time, you see. Us Magazine says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo said “I do,” on Friday… at the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean on Necker Island. The wedding was extremely small and close family only.

They allowed reality cameras to document their big day as a part of a TLC wedding special.

These two D-list nobodies aren’t worth the time and energy it would take for me to burn them. Besides, just being Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo should be plenty burn enough. Or “Who and who again?” as they’re collectively known to the rest of the world.

Vanessa in a bikini in Mexico (hey, I’m trying to make this as interesting somehow):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A little over a week after her ex-husband announced his engagement to Vanessa Minnillo, Jessica Simpson announced that she’s getting married, too. So nanny-nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo, Nick Lachey! Star Magazine says:

A rep confirmed the engagement on Sunday, just ten days after Jessica’s ex-husband Nick Lachey announced his engagement.

Jessica and Eric couple began dating in May and on Saturday, the singer was spotted flashing a [three-stone engagement ring that features a central ruby flanked by two diamonds] during an appearance at Dillard’s at Oak Park Mall in Kansas City.

Boy, there’s nothing like getting engaged out of spite. Unless it’s having a baby out of spite. I know it’s the only reason I have any kids. The child tax credits are just the icing on my bitterness cake.

Peddling her wares in person at a mall department store last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In news that nobody’s sure to care about, former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey and his longtime girlfriend are getting married. You can almost hear Jessica Simpson’s muffled sobs through the mouthfuls of biscuits and gravy. Radar Online says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, who briefly split last summer, are now engaged!

“We’re excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together,” the couple [said in a statement].

And in news you’ll care even less about, that one squinty-eyed country singer who cheated on her gay husband is marrying that guy she fucked while he was still married to somebody else. Vive l’amour! Radar Online adds:

Boyfriend Eddie Cibrian will now call [LeAnn Rimes] his fiancée.

Cibrian got down on bended knee recently, E! Online is reporting.

Their engagement news comes shortly after Rimes did an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts to discuss the cheating scandal surrounding involving her ex-husband Dean Sheremet and current beau Cibrian.

Why would you buy the cow when you already get the milk for free? Especially if somebody else had already bought the cow first and it wouldn’t give them any milk, but practically hosed down the next thing with a penis that came within twenty feet of the big fake udders they’d bought and paid for while they owned it. I’d say the only reason to invest in that cow is for the choice cuts and shoe leather.

Zzzzzzz:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The three-year long romance between Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo is over, or as I like to call it, “who the fuck cares.” According to Us Weekly

“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Minnillo’s rep [says].

Adds a source: “It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends. They still care about each other very much. This is what’s best for both of them.”

“What’s best for both of them” comes out of the business end of a Winchester 30-ought-6 rifle. My Papaw says that goes double for foreigners, democrats and horses with broken legs. That’s probably why he lives in a nursing home now.

Vanessa showing off her tits and Nick cheesing up some skank in Paradise:

Australian tabloid Famous has the other half of those irritatingly censored photos of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo bumpin’ uglies in a hot tub while vacationing in Mexico. It’s hardly anything worth getting worked up about, really. You could see a million more provocative images googling “Mongolian Breakfast” and “Tadpole Bukkake Knitting Needle.” In fact, I spent this morning’s HR meeting watching two dudes stuff their fists up some poor teenage girl’s pooper, and it was a lot better than any of these lame pics. Both fists, guys. Both fists at the same time. She was either in complete agony or loving every minute of it. I couldn’t turn the volume up while the director was talking so who the hell knows. Anyway, my point here is the human anus is incredibly pliable. And censorship is clearly for communists. Think outside the box, Bolsheviks! The anal revolution is here!

Former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey and MTV alum Vanessa Minillo have a little scandal on their hands. According to TMZ

Racy photos of the hot couple were published in this week’s Life & Style magazine, showing the two engaged in a heavy makeout session in a jacuzzi at a private resort in Mexico. We’re told, however, these photos only show part of the fun the couple had. The rest of the roll shows the two… having hardcore sex in the hot tub. A source who has seen the photos [says] that they are “Paris sex tape-level scandalous,” and include images of the couple in several different sex positions.

Nothing says “sexy time” like bubbling vat of some fat guy’s ball sweat and the combined secretions and sloughed skin cells of a dozen different hotel guests. I guess the gas station bathroom and the homeless shelter shower stall were all booked up for the weekend. Too bad. It’s common knowledge that it’s not good lovin’ unless you wake up with a UTI and a yeast infection, maybe even ringworm if you play your cards right. I like to call that “the red badge of courage.”

More of the milder photos from Life & Style after the jump

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Vanessa Minnillo was the other girl holding a knife to Lindsay Lohan’s big freckled tit in those lesbian masochist pictures that surfaced yesterday. Hollywood insiders are buzzing that those racy photos and her diva-esque attitude could effectively end her career. According to Page Six:

Vanessa Minnillo might have a hard time getting a new job because of those risqué party pictures… from last summer [that show] Minnillo pulling down Lindsay Lohan’s tank top [and] her face upturned, eyes closed and lips parted, as if about to kiss.

The beauty is gaining a bad rep in the TV industry for her diva-like behavior at work and hard partying outside the studio. “She was extremely high maintenance,” said one source. “She insisted they fly her own hair and makeup people and her personal assistant out with her every time she flew to L.A. She only flew first class and stayed at the Four Seasons, and then she didn’t want to work. Vanessa wants to be a celebrity, not interview them… She wouldn’t conduct post-show interviews because she wanted to party.”

Funny thing is, I’d never even heard of Vanessa Minnillo until she became Nick Lachey’s post-Simpson piece of ass. TRL? Nobody really watches that show, do they? The only time I even tune in to MTV anymore is if a good lashing with a cat o’ nine tails and a couple of cinches of the cilice don’t quite complete my contrition. Or if my bowels are impacted and I need to get things moving again. Other than that, yours truly is a strictly PBS and bukkake kinda girl. I’m sure you can tell there’s no polluting this mind!

Dropping the f-bomb in the middle of MTV’s Goes For Gold live New Year’s Eve party was only the beginning of the end for hostess Vanessa Minillo.  Us Weekly chronicled the remainder of her evening below: 

1:44 a.m. Nick [Lachey], Vanessa and their huge entourage arrive at the Joonbug.com party at Marquee.  Vanessa begins sucking down glass after glass of champagne. Soon her eyes are half closed, her head rolling around.  She keeps opening her legs and the ladies in her entourage physically shut them for her.  Vanessa then straddles Nick and makes out with him passionately while her short skirt rides up.  She later falls off of the booth and into the recesses of the furniture.  Her crew helps her up while Nick watches in stony silence, unamused by her antics.

3:35 a.m. Vanessa takes Nick’s beer and chugs it, while some of the beer runs down her face and neck.  As the group gets ready to leave, an unsteady Vanessa tries to stand up but she falls down into the booth.  Nick starts to pay the bill, and Vanessa digs into her wallet puts a wad of cash in her mouth and jokingly starts waving it around.  Vanessa’s girlfriends take the cash from her mouth and distribute tips to the beleaguered staff.

The best part of the play-by-play is Nick’s “unamused and stony silence.”  What a buzzkill, man.  Sounds just like my dad at his swearing-in last year.  I’m trying to have a good time — and I was only drinking wine because we were technically in a church – and maybe I get a little over-enthusiastic and show my tits and scream something about the south rising again.  I can’t really remember.  And yeah, I vomited a little, but hardly anybody noticed.  Most everybody was staring at my dad, because he was crying.  And then at the security guards trying to “escort” me out.  So a girl wants to let loose and have a little fun every now and then?  I don’t see what the big f-ing deal is. 

In the last of the many celebrity New Year’s posts for today, singer Nick Lachey made a surprise appearance at the MTV Goes for Gold event in New York Sunday night. He and hostess girlfriend Vanessa Minillo — who dropped the f-bomb during the live event, by the way — exchanged a very public display of affection as the new year approached. Have a good look at the picture up there. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with their mouths. There’s definitely some tongue, and what appears to be an extra lip and possibly some sort of mollusk. The good news is that Vanessa looked really hot in that gold dress. The bad news? Standing outside her apartment with an assault rifle and a bag full of sex toys will just get you arrested. Consider it a courtesy “heads up,” compliments of the loyal staff here at Yeeeah!.

More (mollusk-free) cheesiness after the jump.

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Nick Lachey, who recently split with Jessica Simpson, says that his latest single “What’s Left of Me” has been misunderstood. Here are some lyrics:

“I watch my life pass me by in a rearview mirror/ Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes… Now I’m broken and I’m fading/I’m half the man I thought I would be.”

Nick told Teen People that the song is not meant to manipulate public sympathy or cash in on his imminent divorce but it’s all about making the best of what’s there and move on. The truth is that Nick doesn’t give a shit about Jessica, he just wants to take the booty and run. I have to admit that for once, Nick acts like a real pirate.

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