Hey guys, it’s Sarah. Abby had a small incident today involving a circus bear, some mounted police, and a trunk full of moonshine, and it’ll probably take her ’til Monday to scrape bail together. Y’all are stuck with me until then.  Moving on, Nicole Kidman is on the cover of the new Parade magazine, and she looks even more puffy and stretched and frozen than usual.  Remember how pretty she used to be when she still looked like herself?

Nicole on the new Parade cover (left) and in an older photo (right)

She actually looked best when she still had the red hair, but if she insists on being blonde then she should at least go back to a shade that looks like it could theoretically have grown out of a human head.  Also, Jesus God would these women please KNOCK IT OFF with the collagen?  Nobody looks good with trout lips!  Just look at Zach Braff!  On second though, don’t… he’s gross.

In the Parade interview, Nicole says she cries even thinking of her baby daughter, Sunday Rose.  From People:

“I’m raw and emotional,” Kidman, 41, says regarding her baby girl in the upcoming issue of Parade magazine. “I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to [give birth to a child]. To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it.”

Kidman, who adopted daughter Isabella, 15, and son Connor, 13, with first husband Tom Cruise, said having a baby again after 40 with husband Keith Urban has changed her mindset about taking risks.

“It’s very bittersweet. Because, at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent, I think, and now it’s very much about staying in the world,” she explains to the magazine. “That’s why in the past I could jump out of planes and take a lot of risks. Strangely enough, I think when you have children at 25, you still have that ‘what will be, will be’ attitude. It’s such a different way of parenting.”

You know, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Connor and Isabella go on some kind of psychotic rampage one of these days.  They’ve got a rictus-faced mum, an alcoholic stepfather, a lunatic dad, a zombie stepmother, and two famewhoring half-sisters about whom their parents never shut up.  There’s probably going to be a string of victims found in fields with their hair shorn by a Flowbee and that Australian pregnancy water poured all over them.

Eva Mendes and Nicole Kidman both pose in separate issues of Elle magazine in the upcoming months, but Eva’s spread is far superior to Nicole’s. No question about it. Eva just oozes raw sensuality; Nicole is about as sexy as an elementary school music teacher with a neck goiter. Ask any guy. I guarantee they’ll agree with me. It’s the metaphorical equivalent of asking, “Hey, would you like me to give you a handjob, or should I just pour this here hot tar in your nostrils?” Case closed!

Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in a waterhole in Australia was responsible for her unexpected pregnancy. NY Daily News says,

The “Moulin Rouge” star, who gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose last July, claims that she and six other women who swam in Kununurra waters during production of upcoming Baz Luhrmann romance “Australia” later miraculously conceived. “I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie,” Kidman says in today’s The Australian Women’s Weekly.

“Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy,” she gushes. “There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now.”

I don’t take stock in magical waters. I DO however, believe in the magical powers of Hugh Jackman, Kidman’s costar. Wouldn’t your ovaries get excited at the prospect of being near to Wolverine in his native habitat? I submit to the jury Exhibit A:

Aaand for comparison, Exhibit B:

I think I just felt a shudder go through my fallopian tubes. I dunno, highlighted hair and a waxed chest with a Rico Suave shirt doesn’t do it for me. Case closed!

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have named their new baby daughter Sunday Rose, but not because they hate her like you probably thought. It’s actually because they hate Tom Cruise. According to MSNBC

One Kidman source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology. She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Oh, come on. That’s the worst baby name burn I’ve ever heard. It’s like she’s not even trying. What about TomCruiseIsSterile Elizabeth Urban? That’s got a nice ring to it. Or LRHSucksDonkey Marie Urban? I could definitely see that cross-stitched on a nice sampler.

Gobbling outside the hospital last month:

It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!:

Nicole Kidman showed off a little more than just her baby bump at “The Golden Compass” premiere in Tokyo today. Have a look at those monstrous surgically enhanced lips of hers. Yikes. They’re like damn bloodworms or something. I just want to thread ‘em with a hook and go trolling for flounder or sprinkle them in my little sister’s hair while I videotape it.

It’s confirmed — recent box office poison Nicole Kidman is officially pregnant. OK! Magazine says

After weeks of speculation, Nicole Kidman has confirmed the good news that she and her husband, country music superstar Keith Urban, are expecting their first child together! “The couple are thrilled,” a rep for the actress tells OK!.

I’m sure Keith Urban celebrated the good news by inhaling an eight ball and drunkenly tag-teaming two underage models. Nicole, on the other hand, probably got more Botox and another coating of pureed baby foreskins spackled to her face. Soon, those stem cells will be hers — all hers! Looks like harvest season’s coming early this year, my pretties.

Nicole and Goldenrod leaving the Art Gallery of New South Wales Friday:

Nicole Kidman is finally pregnant! Or not! Or lying about it! The Daily Mail reports

Nicole Kidman and her husband of 18 months are expecting their first baby. The Oscar-winning actress and Keith Urban, the country and western singer she calls the “love of my life”, broke the news to their families over the Christmas holiday.

But Nic’s publicist responded (via People magazine)

“It is incorrect. She must have had about 30 babies by now. It’s the silly season. As far as we’re concerned, it’s another rumor out of London.”

Pregnant or not, if she wants to have a baby, she’d better get on it. At 40, “silly season” turns into “menopause season” real quick. Botox doesn’t fool your uterus, you know!

Nicole at the Sydney Children’s Hospital screening of “The Golden Compass” December 18^th

Nicole Kidman accompanied husband Keith Urban to the Australian Recording Industry Association Awards on Sunday in a completely see-through black dress — unbeknownst to her. The Daily Mail reveals

As the Oscar-winning actress removed her overcoat, there were riotous cheers of appreciation from the assembled red-carpet crowd. Miss Kidman, 40, appeared to be delighted by the noisy reception at Sydney’s Acer Arena, [but] all the cheering had been because her outfit was almost completely transparent [in the bright sun] and clearly showed the black thong and bra set underneath.

Wow — she’s forty? You have to admit, for a forty year-old woman, she sure looks great. Of course, for a twenty-two year old Mongolian power lifter, she looks like shit. Perspective, baby! It’s the only thing keeping me from killing myself most of the time.