Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

(more…)

The 2010 Golden Globe Awards were last night.  We could kill some time talking about them, but nobody really cares about the actual awards.  Let’s just cut to the chase and take a look at what all the ladies were wearing, shall we?

Halle Berry:

Christina Hendricks:

Jennifer Aniston (with Gerard Butler):

Nicole Kidman (with Mo’Nique):

Diane Kruger (with Joshua Jackson):

Mariah Carey (with her wife Nick Cannon):

(more…)

It was a big night for Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift at the American Music Awards, even though neither of them were there to accept them. People magazine says

Swift won five American Music Awards, including Favorite Artist of the Year – all while she was in London.

A stunned Swift gave her acceptance speech via satellite, paying homage to the night’s other big winner, Michael Jackson.

Jackson won four trophies: Favorite Soul/R&B Artist, Favorite Pop/Rock Male Vocalist and Favorite Pop/Rock Album and Favorite Soul/R&B Album.

Good for Michael Jackson. Everything he’s put out in the last twenty years sucked donkey, but let’s just put aside the whole “weirdo recluse pedophile drug addict who hasn’t cranked out a real hit since 1987″ because he’s dead. Jesus Christ. I’m surprised they didn’t find a way to give Roman Polanski and award while they were at it. But anyway, I digress. The only reason we watch these shows (other than for the falling down) — the dresses! So let’s get to it. (Lots more of Selena Gomez, Fergie, Alicia Keys and Rihanna after the jump)

Shakira in a Versace dress made entirely of recycled milk jugs:

Carrie Underwood in a one-shoulder gold lamé Theia frock and Adam Lambert’s belt:

Nicole Kidman as Meg Ryan in a shower curtain in Balenciaga:

Kristen Bell in I Dream of Jeanie by Christian Cota:

Kelly Clarkson in Fatty Fatty Two by Four:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin

(more…)

Nicole Kidman dishes about sex and marriage in a more-than-you-ever-wanted-to-know interview in next month’s GQ magazine. The Daily Mail quotes her as saying:

‘I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

But she described her present marriage as ‘raw’ and ‘dangerous’.

‘You work on it,’ she said. ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous.’

“Raw” and “dangerous?” I’m sorry — isn’t she married to Keith Urban? The only thing “raw” about that guy is maybe his ass cheeks because his leather pants were so tight they chafed. He’s about as dangerous as a retard wielding a pair of safety scissors and a giant foam finger.

Looking like a wax statue at the Omega store on Fifth Avenue last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

No, that’s not a pair of evil banshees on a baby-harvesting mission– that’s Nicole Kidman and What Nicole Kidman Might Look Like Without All The Botox And Plastic Surgery, or “Antonia” as the rest of the family calls her for short. She is Nicole’s three-years younger sister, who if you believe a word out of Nicole’s mouth must have spent the last decade of her life in a food dehydrator. Nicole told the Daily Mail

“I’ll never have Botox. I’ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway. The directors always allow actors with Botox but I just say. ‘No way, not for me.’

Drinking lots of water, eating fruit and doing yoga is what keeps me looking young naturally. I swear by it. I also use creams with natural ingredients to make wrinkles less visible. Everybody should try these things rather than going the plastic route, which I just hate.”

I believe the scientific term we’re looking for here is “liar, liar pants on fire.” I’m sure Nicole would be raising her eyebrows in vehement protest right now if her glabellar muscles weren’t packed full of botulinum poison.

Antonia at the ASTRA Awards in Sydney last night:

Nicole Kidman has gone and offended the aboriginal tribes of Australia, but not with that awful “Betwitched” remake like you probably thought. Nicole made the mistake of playing the sacred didgeridoo while promoting her new movie “Australia” on a German television show. The Daily Mail says

Aborigine culture bars women from playing the traditional instrument because of a belief it will leave them barren.

The Oscar-winning actress blew weakly into the long wooden instrument when she appeared on the TV show with fellow star Hugh Jackman to promote her latest movie, Australia. Aboriginal tribes were far from amused when they saw pictures of the actress blowing into the instrument.

‘It will mean she has no more children. It is not meant to be played by women as it will make them barren,’ said Aboriginal language teacher Richard Green.

Didgeridoos make you sterile and I’m just finding this out now? Jeez. And to think of all the money I pissed away on the morning after pill and back-alley abortions. And then hospital stays for uncontrollable hemorrhaging and blood poisoning after the back-alley abortions. Blue Cross/Blue Shield, you owe me like twelve thousand dollars.

Didgeri-don’t:

Photo source: SPLASH NEWS

Hey guys, it’s Sarah. Abby had a small incident today involving a circus bear, some mounted police, and a trunk full of moonshine, and it’ll probably take her ’til Monday to scrape bail together. Y’all are stuck with me until then.  Moving on, Nicole Kidman is on the cover of the new Parade magazine, and she looks even more puffy and stretched and frozen than usual.  Remember how pretty she used to be when she still looked like herself?

Nicole on the new Parade cover (left) and in an older photo (right)

She actually looked best when she still had the red hair, but if she insists on being blonde then she should at least go back to a shade that looks like it could theoretically have grown out of a human head.  Also, Jesus God would these women please KNOCK IT OFF with the collagen?  Nobody looks good with trout lips!  Just look at Zach Braff!  On second though, don’t… he’s gross.

In the Parade interview, Nicole says she cries even thinking of her baby daughter, Sunday Rose.  From People:

“I’m raw and emotional,” Kidman, 41, says regarding her baby girl in the upcoming issue of Parade magazine. “I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to [give birth to a child]. To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it.”

Kidman, who adopted daughter Isabella, 15, and son Connor, 13, with first husband Tom Cruise, said having a baby again after 40 with husband Keith Urban has changed her mindset about taking risks.

“It’s very bittersweet. Because, at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent, I think, and now it’s very much about staying in the world,” she explains to the magazine. “That’s why in the past I could jump out of planes and take a lot of risks. Strangely enough, I think when you have children at 25, you still have that ‘what will be, will be’ attitude. It’s such a different way of parenting.”

You know, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Connor and Isabella go on some kind of psychotic rampage one of these days.  They’ve got a rictus-faced mum, an alcoholic stepfather, a lunatic dad, a zombie stepmother, and two famewhoring half-sisters about whom their parents never shut up.  There’s probably going to be a string of victims found in fields with their hair shorn by a Flowbee and that Australian pregnancy water poured all over them.

Eva Mendes and Nicole Kidman both pose in separate issues of Elle magazine in the upcoming months, but Eva’s spread is far superior to Nicole’s. No question about it. Eva just oozes raw sensuality; Nicole is about as sexy as an elementary school music teacher with a neck goiter. Ask any guy. I guarantee they’ll agree with me. It’s the metaphorical equivalent of asking, “Hey, would you like me to give you a handjob, or should I just pour this here hot tar in your nostrils?” Case closed!

Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in a waterhole in Australia was responsible for her unexpected pregnancy. NY Daily News says,

The “Moulin Rouge” star, who gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose last July, claims that she and six other women who swam in Kununurra waters during production of upcoming Baz Luhrmann romance “Australia” later miraculously conceived. “I never thought that I would get pregnant and give birth to a child, but it happened on this movie,” Kidman says in today’s The Australian Women’s Weekly.

“Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy,” she gushes. “There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now.”

I don’t take stock in magical waters. I DO however, believe in the magical powers of Hugh Jackman, Kidman’s costar. Wouldn’t your ovaries get excited at the prospect of being near to Wolverine in his native habitat? I submit to the jury Exhibit A:

Aaand for comparison, Exhibit B:

I think I just felt a shudder go through my fallopian tubes. I dunno, highlighted hair and a waxed chest with a Rico Suave shirt doesn’t do it for me. Case closed!

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have named their new baby daughter Sunday Rose, but not because they hate her like you probably thought. It’s actually because they hate Tom Cruise. According to MSNBC

One Kidman source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology. She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Oh, come on. That’s the worst baby name burn I’ve ever heard. It’s like she’s not even trying. What about TomCruiseIsSterile Elizabeth Urban? That’s got a nice ring to it. Or LRHSucksDonkey Marie Urban? I could definitely see that cross-stitched on a nice sampler.

Gobbling outside the hospital last month:

It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!:

Nicole Kidman showed off a little more than just her baby bump at “The Golden Compass” premiere in Tokyo today. Have a look at those monstrous surgically enhanced lips of hers. Yikes. They’re like damn bloodworms or something. I just want to thread ‘em with a hook and go trolling for flounder or sprinkle them in my little sister’s hair while I videotape it.