Oct 21, 2009
Nicole Richie shows off daughter son Sparrow James Midnight Madden for the first time ever in this family portrait for next week’s People magazine. Funny, I don’t remember Rooster from “Annie” having so many faggy tattoos. I guess the handlebar mustache and the testicles were cramping his style all that time.
Oct 6, 2009
Nicole Richie was rear-ended by paparazzi yesterday afternoon while on her way to… eh, who really cares. The New York Daily News says
“Ms. Richie was driving with a passenger around 2 p.m. when she was struck by two photographers driving in one vehicle behind her,” said the Beverly Hills Police. “Her car sustained moderate damage. No paramedics were called to the scene.”
Richie, 28, reportedly complained of pain, however opted to skip going to the hospital to see her own private doctors. Her two children were not in the vehicle.
The unidentified driver, who rear-ended the new mom, was arrested and booked for driving without a license.
The real joke in all this is the dumbass paparazzi, who lost his car and possibly his illegal immigrant status under the misguided notion that people actually care about seeing pictures of Nicole fucking Richie. Just like how one might say I am under the misguided notion that you actually want to read about what happens to Nicole fucking Richie. Well-played, readers! Well-played.
In the October issue of Vivi magazine (like you really give a shit):
Sep 10, 2009
Nicole Richie gave birth to a bouncing baby boy early yesterday morning, and then promptly ruined his life by giving him the gayest name ever. She wrote on her website
“In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7 lbs. 14 oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.”
They might as well have named him Stinkhat Booger Sandwich or Wedgie Swirly Chester Backster, because that’s what he’s gonna get every day for the rest of his life.
Nicole with big sister Harlow earlier this month:
PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News
Apr 8, 2009
Lindsay Lohan did what any girl who had just been dumped and publicly humiliated would do — she called a tabloid magazine to discuss the breakup at length. According to Us Weekly
“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan [said] in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls where she was both agitated [and] crying. “The worst night of my life. I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. Everyone’s turned on me.”
She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”
“I’m a f–king 22-year-old girl who’s in love,” she says. “I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie.”
Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself.”
Lohan laughs upon hearing that, saying she’s okay.
“I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.”
I agree. The whole situation is sick. At least the part involving Samantha Ronson’s vagina, anyway. I bet it looks like a couple of clam strips that spent the last six months pickling in a big jar of brine and broiling under a heat lamp, all shriveled and dehydrated and curled up on themselves like really long flesh-colored raisins. That bitch is straight-up disgusting.
Feb 23, 2009
I’m back, bitches! That’s right — your beloved Abby is behind the wheel again, bigger and better than ever. Not that I was all that good before, really. It’s all relative. Just like date night at Miley Cyrus’ house. Zing!
Anyway, in super boring you’re-telling-me-they-actually-have-sex news, Nicole Richie is pregnant again. Joel Madden wrote on Good Charlotte’s website
I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………
You know, they never actually come out and say which one of them is pregnant, but I’m pretty sure it’s Nicole. From what I remember from health class, being a gigantic vagina isn’t enough to actually gestate a fetus. You really needs womb for that.
At the Art of Elysium’s 2nd Annual Black Tie Charity Gala:
Sep 18, 2008
The fairy-tale romance between Joel Madden and Nicole Richie has finally come crashing down, thanks to has-been Mischa Barton. Star Magazine says
For months they’d been fighting, but Nicole and Joel’s strained relationship hit a new low when she screamed at him, “we’re through,” and fled to her mother’s home, taking their daughter Harlow with her. Joel followed her to the Big Apple, and the quarrelsome couple made a disastrous appearance at [an] afterparty on Sept. 6. “There was obvious tension,” an eyewitness [says]. “I didn’t see her talk to Joel the entire night, and it seemed like he was avoiding her too. Nicole was just so angry!”
The next day, Joel headed back to L.A. [and] partied like he didn’t have a care in the world — with Nicole pal Mischa, [who had just] broken up with boyfriend Taylor Locke. [Mischa] was dancing seductively for Joel, says a source. “He kept checking out Mischa and smiling at her.”
Remember like five years ago when Mischa Barton was the new “it” girl? Now she’s swabbing the deck with Nicole Richie’s leftovers and hawking canvas tennis shoes. The only way Mischa could be any less relevant is if she were Joe Biden. Zing!
Nicole in West Hollywood last month:
Mischa at the Inspiration and Passion of Valentino Garavani in London yesterday:
BONUS NIP SLIP!!:
May 7, 2008
Lindsay Lohan was photographed earlier this week getting “friendly” with Nicole Richie’s boyfriend and father of her baby, Joel Madden. According to MSNBC
Spies caught the Good Charlotte frontman sitting up close and personal with [Lindsay] Monday night at a Cinco de Mayo celebration held at West Hollywood’s Crown Bar.
Eight out of ten women surveyed said they would rather see a grizzly bear covered in fire ants wielding a chainsaw next to their significant other than Lindsay Lohan. That goes double if she’s touching his knee with her legs open. She’s like some kind of a penis vampire, constantly on the prowl for semen and smegma to survive. I heard the only way to kill her is a shot of penicillin delivered by a priest directly into her puss under a full moon. True fucking story. Just to be safe, though, you might want to start carrying around a sterling silver condom and a rosary.
On the set of Ugly Betty May 3rd:
Nov 29, 2007
Now that former best friend turned enemy turned best friend again Nicole Richie is pregnant, Paris Hilton has decided she wants a baby, too. According to People Magazine
[Paris said] “Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old. I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”
Still, Hilton admits, she has a few things to take care of first – like finding a man! “I don’t have a boyfriend right now,” the Simple Life star insisted. “But I would love to start a family.”
That’s when the reporter looked up with an expression of bewildered terror — much like Sam Neil’s expression when he discovered the dinosaur eggs hidden in the mud in “Jurassic Park” — and drew up his knees and began rocking back and forth and moaning. Life, it seems, always finds a way. So does playing pincushion to a dozen different penises on a weekly basis. But I’m pretty sure we’re still safe as long as we keep Paris away from West Indian frogs and Jeff Goldblum.
Paris at the One Year Anniversary Of Live Sets On Yahoo! Music two days ago:
Sep 28, 2007
After getting off the hook by spending those whole 82 minutes in jail, Nicole Richie finally eats it with a mandatory alcohol rehabilitation program. People reports:
Papers filed with the Superior Court of California show that on Sept. 26 Richie signed up for a 18-month anti-drinking driver course, known as the SB 38 Alcohol Program. SB 38 is for people who have been convicted of DUI on more than one occasion within a 7-year period, the Santa Barbara Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse states on its Web site.
The program consists of 52 hours of group counseling, bi-weekly face-to-face interviews and 12 hours of alcohol education, according to the council. Participants are also encouraged to attend 12-step meetings.
When I was a Sophomore in college my roommate and I got busted drinking 40’s of Coors Light in our dorm room and were forced to spend two Saturdays taking some bullshit alcohol responsibility classes — and let me tell you, it was hell. I’ve tried to repress the memories as much as possible, but I will say there was role playing involved. With strangers. I wouldn’t wish 18 months of that on somebody if they killed my whole family. So let’s just say, if I were Nicole — I’d see if jail were maybe still an option.
More photos of some Ethiopian in a red bikini after the jump.
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