You can take the baby out of the skank, but you can’t take the skank out of Nicole Richie. TMZ says

Nicole was involved in an altercation around 1 AM [Saturday] morning with a female while in line at the valet outside the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Richie was so rowdy she had to be escorted off the property by security!

People have this idea that motherhood is going to magically transform you from a useless twat into some kind of June Cleaver. Not so. You’re still the same useless twat you always were, except now you’re a useless twat with a midsection that looks like a silly putty fire stamped out by a vindictive bear.

Speaking of silly putty fires, new mom/useless twat Jennifer Lopez swimming in Portofino July 4th:

Lindsay Lohan was photographed earlier this week getting “friendly” with Nicole Richie’s boyfriend and father of her baby, Joel Madden. According to MSNBC

Spies caught the Good Charlotte frontman sitting up close and personal with [Lindsay] Monday night at a Cinco de Mayo celebration held at West Hollywood’s Crown Bar.

Eight out of ten women surveyed said they would rather see a grizzly bear covered in fire ants wielding a chainsaw next to their significant other than Lindsay Lohan. That goes double if she’s touching his knee with her legs open. She’s like some kind of a penis vampire, constantly on the prowl for semen and smegma to survive. I heard the only way to kill her is a shot of penicillin delivered by a priest directly into her puss under a full moon. True fucking story. Just to be safe, though, you might want to start carrying around a sterling silver condom and a rosary.

On the set of Ugly Betty May 3rd:

Now that former best friend turned enemy turned best friend again Nicole Richie is pregnant, Paris Hilton has decided she wants a baby, too. According to People Magazine

[Paris said] “Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old. I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”

Still, Hilton admits, she has a few things to take care of first – like finding a man! “I don’t have a boyfriend right now,” the Simple Life star insisted. “But I would love to start a family.”

That’s when the reporter looked up with an expression of bewildered terror — much like Sam Neil’s expression when he discovered the dinosaur eggs hidden in the mud in “Jurassic Park” — and drew up his knees and began rocking back and forth and moaning. Life, it seems, always finds a way. So does playing pincushion to a dozen different penises on a weekly basis. But I’m pretty sure we’re still safe as long as we keep Paris away from West Indian frogs and Jeff Goldblum.

Paris at the One Year Anniversary Of Live Sets On Yahoo! Music two days ago:

After getting off the hook by spending those whole 82 minutes in jail, Nicole Richie finally eats it with a mandatory alcohol rehabilitation program. People reports:

Papers filed with the Superior Court of California show that on Sept. 26 Richie signed up for a 18-month anti-drinking driver course, known as the SB 38 Alcohol Program. SB 38 is for people who have been convicted of DUI on more than one occasion within a 7-year period, the Santa Barbara Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse states on its Web site.

The program consists of 52 hours of group counseling, bi-weekly face-to-face interviews and 12 hours of alcohol education, according to the council. Participants are also encouraged to attend 12-step meetings.

When I was a Sophomore in college my roommate and I got busted drinking 40’s of Coors Light in our dorm room and were forced to spend two Saturdays taking some bullshit alcohol responsibility classes — and let me tell you, it was hell. I’ve tried to repress the memories as much as possible, but I will say there was role playing involved. With strangers. I wouldn’t wish 18 months of that on somebody if they killed my whole family. So let’s just say, if I were Nicole — I’d see if jail were maybe still an option.

More photos of some Ethiopian in a red bikini after the jump.

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