You may have spent your weekend gorging yourself on jelly beans and Cadbury Eggs and spending time with your family, but Lindsay Lohan had bigger fish to fry. Namely, going clubbing and shoving girls for daring to talk to one of her guy friends. Also known as to the rest of the world, junior high school. TMZ reports,

Lindsay Lohan has been off formal probation for less than two weeks and she’s already being accused of getting into an altercation with a woman in a nightclub earlier this week … TMZ has learned.

According to our sources, a woman filed an incident report ALLEGING BATTERY with the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department last night. We’re told the woman claims Lindsay got into it with her at a nightclub on Thursday night. She claims Lindsay did not like the fact she was talking to a male friend of LiLo’s … and began pushing and shoving her.

Law enforcement sources say they will investigate the woman’s claims — like they would any other incident like this — to determine their validity.

Lindsay’s rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ, “Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame.”

I like how outraged her rep sounds. He acts like his client isn’t a serial fuck-up. I’d be more inclined to believe him if he just said, “Hey, I know Lindsay keeps on screwing up, so I don’t blame you for thinking this is true, but this time she really didn’t do anything.” Otherwise you end up looking like an idiot by getting all huffy. It’s like when I accused my boyfriend of using me as a beard. Acting indignant when you get caught blowing the gardener just doesn’t ring true.

On on Friday night in Los Angeles:

Disaster was averted this past Friday by a heroic pair of underpants when Paris Hilton’s Cave of Horrors tried to unleash its curse upon an unsuspecting nightclub crowd in France. No one was hurt, but unfortunately the brave wisp of fabric was badly burned in the fray as it blocked the malodorous, caustic fumes from spreading.

Paris, Nicky Hilton and Doug Reinhard killing the last 3 brain cells they collectively share:

It’s a first rule of overcoming addiction to stay away from places and people that would tempt you to fall into old habits. But Lindsay Lohan apparently knows better than this silly bit of advice, because here she is leaving Teddy’s Nightclub in Hollywood last night. Maybe she’s hoping to get a second-hand buzz off inhaling everyone’s boozy belches or something.  Throw in guzzling down mass quantities of her favorite .5% alcohol tea Kombucha, and she’s all set on the road to recovery! Why someone hasn’t picked this girl up to lead an AA meeting is beyond me.

Posing with her tea and leaving the club:

Leighton Meester went to the opening of Klutch nightclub in Miami last night, and she wore whatever the holy hell this thing is.  I can’t even figure out what’s going on here.  Are those ruffles?  Are they scallops?  I don’t understand.  It looks like someone folded an already-ugly dress into eighths and then went at with a scissors, the way little kids make paper snowflakes in kindergarten art class.  Did she buy this thing on Etsy?

Paris Hilton dropped $7.5 million earlier this year to turn an old building in Vegas into her very own Paris-themed nightclub. The only problem? Coming up with a name that says “Paris” without actually using the word “Paris.” “Twat” and “cooze” don’t count. According to Digital Spy

Hilton had hoped to call the club ‘Paris’, but her plans were thwarted when she discovered that a nearby casino already uses the same name.

An insider [said], “She’s now considering The Paris Hilton Nightclub instead. She has already paid for the lease which didn’t come cheap. The idea is to get the club up and running before the end of the year and to host the wildest New Year’s Eve party ever.”

It shouldn’t be that hard to come up with a club name that screams “Paris Hilton” without saying “Paris Hilton.” Hell, I can think of like ten potential Paris nightclub names right off the top of my head without even trying. Naturally, I made a list for you.

TOP TEN POTENTIAL PARIS HILTON NIGHT CLUB NAMES:

10. Wiener Junction

9. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter

8. The Cocksbury

7. Cuntacabana

6. PID

5. Hyde-the-Sausage

4. Forty Douche

3. Bunghole 8

2. Koitus

And the number one potential Paris Hilton nightclub name:

1. STD 54

Paris in Copehagen hawking her accessories line: