The 2012 Pirelli Calendar calendar — easily the most pretentious of all your gratuitous-titties-masquerading-as-art calendars — is set for release at the end of this year, and a preview of this year’s famous racks include those of Kate Moss, Lara Stone, Mila Jovovich and Isabeli Fontana. I’ve never wanted to seize the day with both hands before. And then motorboat the day like there was no tomorrow.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr is completely naked in these two black and white pics from INDUSTRIE Magazine #4, but you can only see her nipple in one of them. And even then, the rest of her lower half looks like a weird assemblage of limbs and cadaver parts, like what you might see if you looked down into an open mass grave outside a concentration camp. And frankly, those kinda thoughts make it take twice as long to masturbate, and I just don’t have that kinda time. I have anime battles to re-enact. Bring me my dueling swords and my furry tail!

Lady Gaga bemoans her inability to be “truly cherished” by a man in the January issue of Vanity Fair. What naked single leg hip extensions have to do with that I’m sure I don’t know. The Daily Mail says:

In a stunning admission she told Vanity Fair: “I have never felt truly cherished by a lover. I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man.

I have this effect on people where it starts out good… and then they hate me.”

Gaga said she’s endured emotional break-ups that have been followed up with impromptu proposals.

But her response is: “How fuckin’ romantic, you asshole. Sure pop a ring on my finger and make it all better. I can buy myself a fuckin’ ring!”

That’s right, she can buy herself a fuckin’ ring. And she can fuck herself, too, what with the penis and everything. So what the hell does she need you for? You’d really just be in the way.

While we’re on the subject of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, you should know that Miss September Cintia Dicker also has a spread in GQ Brasil this month. Only her GQ spread is way better because you can see her nipples in one of the pics. Check and mate, Sports Illustrated!

“Boardwalk Empire’s” Paz de la Huerta has a ridiculous body, but she has the kind of crazy eyes that you usually only see on someone pushing a rusty shopping cart downtown and yelling at pigeons. I wouldn’t know whether she was about to kiss me or stab me in the knee with a screwdriver.

In a photo shoot by acclaimed creepy pervert Terry Richardson:

Tara Reid hasn’t been photographed with her new husband Zack Kehayov in several weeks now, leading to speculation that getting married the day he proposed might have been a little premature. Good thing they were never actually legally married, then. The Daily Mail says:

The Hollywood star, 35, was quizzed by a photographer about married life as she landed at LAX, only for her to confess she isn’t actually wed.

When asked if she could win US show The Newlywed Game, Tara replied: ‘We would lose… we were never really married, it was never legal.’

She did not comment whether or not they were still together or if they had known at the time what they were doing was not legal.

Tara Reid looks like she was pieced together with cadaver parts and fishing twine, so my interest in this story has long since waned. However, my interest in model Natasha Poly nude in next month’s Vogue Espana has not. When I close a door, I always make sure to open a window.

NSFW:

Here are four words never used collaboratively in the history of the English language: Nancy Grace nipple slip. For good reason, too. Just click the header. It’s like a big old wad of ground beef. Us Magazine says:

On Monday night’s Dancing with the Stars, the 51-year-old HLN host had a major wardrobe malfunction. After ABC quickly cut away to a static shot of the audience, Grace readjusted her dress and buried her face in partner Tristan MacManus’ shoulder.

“On the European version that would be perfectly fine,” Tom Bergeron joked.

But the judges were able to see past the partial nudity and appreciate Grace’s performance. “How refreshing,” Len Goodman said. “That was a proper quickstep. Well done!”

Now we just wait for a Nancy Grace upskirt to hit the interwebs and my own private circle of hell will be complete. My fifth-grade teacher must be so proud of me right now.

Yet un-yanked video of the slip after the jump:

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The winds of persecution are blowing cruelly upon poor Lindsay Lohan, who started her period of house arrest on Thursday. Good thing she’s all stocked up on coke and booze! Says Digital Spy,

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly surrendered to the authorities and has begun her house arrest sentence.

The actress checked in at Lynwood Jail at 5.02am and was fitted with an electronic tag on her ankle and sent to her Venice, CA home.

Sources claim that Lohan will spend around 35 days confined to her residence.

The sentence follows her no contest plea to the alleged theft of a $2,500 (£1,547) necklace.

Lohan must also complete 480 hours of community service, including work at the LA County morgue.

The 24-year-old Machete star was earlier this month given a 120-day sentence by the judge for breaching the terms of her parole and said: “I support the judge’s decision and hold myself accountable for being in this situation.”

Expecting Lindsay Lohan to learn her lesson by putting her on extended time-out is about as effective as putting a 1-year old in the corner and expecting them to understand why they’re in trouble. Everyone knows that little kids need a few light slams now and again if they’re going to pay attention to you. How do you think I’m able to fill in here when I’m running my day care?

A few more freckled bikini pics and another boob slip, if you want to know what a practically transparent areola looks like:

I’m sure there’s other important news going on in the world of celebrity gossip, but it’s my sworn duty to you, faithful readers, that nipple slips take first priority. “Pass Over No Nipples”, that’s my motto. It’s like the Hippocratic Oath, only better.

Frolicking in the Caribbean waves (thumbnails 1, 2 & 3 NSFW):

Foxy Brown is a rapper with a long list of legal woes, including spitting on hotel staff because they didn’t have an iron available, to attacking a manicurist over a $20 bill she refused to pay. Here is the dulcet darling attending BET’s Rip the Runway 2011 event, which is a “hip-hop fashion show where music fashion forward”. If electric blue fake eyelashes and contact lenses, and the threat of her gigantic areola escaping is fashion forward, then I’m about to go skin a mountain lion, wear its pelt and live in a cave.

I have a sudden hankering for flapjacks:

Here’s Amy Winehouse with her bolt-ons and a new boyfriend Reg Traviss. He’s definitely a step up from greasy, pasty Pete Doherty, although to be fair, a 3-days-dead corpse would be a step up from Doherty. Amy looks like she smells like pee, Aquanet, cigarettes and dirty feet,  so I don’t know what kind of masochistic trip Reg is on. Kind of like self-flagellation, only a lot less fun, and with more STDs.

At the opening of a new restuarant:

If you ever wanted to know what wanna-be bumblegum pop-faux-punk-princess douche nipple looks like, this is your lucky day. Basically, it looks like any other nipple, so you don’t have to feel too bad about checking it out. Too bad, I said. You still should feel a little dirty and ashamed of yourself.

Avril Lavigne cavorting with friends in a douchey cap and one more bonus nip shot NSFW: