Lady Gaga bemoans her inability to be “truly cherished” by a man in the January issue of Vanity Fair. What naked single leg hip extensions have to do with that I’m sure I don’t know. The Daily Mail says:

In a stunning admission she told Vanity Fair: “I have never felt truly cherished by a lover. I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man.

I have this effect on people where it starts out good… and then they hate me.”

Gaga said she’s endured emotional break-ups that have been followed up with impromptu proposals.

But her response is: “How fuckin’ romantic, you asshole. Sure pop a ring on my finger and make it all better. I can buy myself a fuckin’ ring!”

That’s right, she can buy herself a fuckin’ ring. And she can fuck herself, too, what with the penis and everything. So what the hell does she need you for? You’d really just be in the way.

Dean McDermott posted a seemingly innocuous picture of four-year-old son Liam on his Twitter last night without realizing that wife Tori Spelling was topless in the background. The Daily Mail says:

In the playful photograph… Tori looked to be reclining in bed while her boys larked around.

The picture was taken down from the reality TV star’s Twitter page this morning after he realized the blunder.

I started hunting around to see if I could find an uncensored version of the photo, but I didn’t have any luck, mostly because it occurred to me that I was voluntarily seeking out lopsided pepperoni nipples on a pair of mangled fake tits attached to some horse-faced skeleton and nobody was holding a gun to my head. Frankly, they don’t pay me enough.

UPDATE: If you’re a masochist and a big fan of pimiento loaf, you can see the uncensored nipples here.

Well, whaddya know — I guess there is one thing the French do better than us: Eva Mendes‘ nipples. But to be fair, they’re also better at crying and running away.

That’s not Rachel Zoe in Adam Lambert’s best Sunday morning brunch outfit — it’s 90210′s AnnaLynne McCord as a magician’s assistant. The magic here being “I’m gonna make a whole nipslip post out of 1/16th of aereola!” Ta-da! Wasn’t that amazing?

Nicki Minaj made an appearance this morning for Good Morning America’s Summer Concert Series, and naturally her boob managed to finagle its way out of her low-cut top into the open for millions of viewers to see. I don’t know why anyone would be surprised this would happen, it’s Nicki-skanky-Minaj for chrissakes. You’ve kind of got to expect this kind of thing, just like you’d expect a baboon to pick its ass. The only thing that would have been surprising would be if some actual talent had popped out.

Most thumbnails NSFW:

It’s no secret that Ben Affleck likes to gamble and whore — but nobody knew exactly how much he like to gamble until today, when it was revealed that Ben lost nearly half a million to a movie mogul while partaking in the same secret poker ring that put Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon under federal investigation last month. Radar Online says:

It’s emerged Affleck, 35, even hosted his own game — which was referred to in poker circles as “Ben’s Game” — at the Grand Havana Room in Beverly Hills.

“Ben wasn’t the most skillful player,” [an insider said]. “It was almost like he was someone who felt they did not deserve the money they had.”

The actor began gambling with Ron Meyer, president of Universal Studios, [and] their poker games were anything but friendly — the Hollywood honcho’s biggest winning hands came at the expense of the actor, who lost a hand to the tune of $400,000.

“Ben busted big,” one player at the table on the night in question said. “He drummed up a giant tab, and then all of a sudden he disappeared from the game. He wasn’t seen for months.”

It left many in the ring to ask why the star just didn’t pay Meyer. The source said: “He’d had a string of bad movies and didn’t have any big projects on the horizon, and everyone was wondering, ‘Is Ben broke?’

“But we knew that he couldn’t stiff a businessman like Ron Meyer. That would be ‘career over’ in Hollywood. Suicide.”

Let’s be honest, the name “Ben Affleck” has been synonymous with “career over” for the last six years. And speaking of has-Bens (see how I did that?), former supermodel Paulina Porizkova went swimming last weekend without her top on. It’s only slightly less depressing than talking about Ben Affleck’s career, but hey — it’s still boobs. And the last time I checked, it was two more boobs than you had when you first started this post.

Paulina with her son (awkward much?) in the Caribbean last weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Victoria’s Secret’s latest addition Erin Heatherton goes topless in next month’s issue of Elle Russia, which would be great if the pics weren’t taken with a day-glo filter that maximized visible sun damage. It’s like 1984 and malignant melanoma had an acid flashback while somebody snapped pictures.

Jennifer Lopez suffered a serious wardrobe malfunction last night when her salad plate-sized nipple poked its way out of her dress while filming an episode of “Wetten dass..?” in Palma de Mallorca, Spain. For a German talk show, there sure were a surprising lack of turtlenecks and Capuchin monkeys on leashes. I was expecting something more dry and devoid of any notion of humor. You know, sorta like my last couple of posts.

Video after the jump;

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Alessandra Ambrosio is definitely selling something in this shoot — denim, maybe, or possibly beer or men’s deodorant — but one thing that she’s not hawking is a bra. Because she’s not wearing one. I’ll be honest, that’s about as far as I got.

Khloe Kardashian made the mistake of wearing a see-through shirt and no bra when she went on Fox & Friends with sister Kourtney this morning, and of course the inevitable happened: she slipped a nip on live TV (Fox has since pulled the video). But according to my copy of “Hog-Farming for Beginners,” pigs have anywhere from eight to twelve nipples, so one of Khloe’s teats was bound to pop out sooner or later. I just hope this doesn’t mean we get another six weeks of winter.

What’s worse than a Lady Gaga nipslip? How about two Lady Gaga nipslips? Today is just not going to be our day, my friends. We should stay inside with the shades drawn and nurse a bottle of gin until the bad feelings go away.

Arriving at the CFDAs to get her Fashion Icon (no, really) Award last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If you squint hard and lean in from the left while tilting your monitor at a 45 degree angle, you can almost make out an eighth of Lea Michele’s nipple in these outtakes from her Glamour magazine photoshoot. By my calculation, that’s still 1 and 7/8ths nipples too few for me to ever watch an episode of Glee.