Fun fact: every time you see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples, an angel gets its wings. Or at least a massive boner. Amen!

Remember that time Kate Moss didn’t show her nipples? Yeah, me neither. Maybe it was just a terrible dream. Just like Night Ranger and “A Gnome Named Gnorm.” Sister Christian, oh the time has come! Just wake me when it’s all over.

NSFW unless you work in a strip club:

I often wonder — what would Kate Moss look like if she weren’t showing nipples? Or if the moon were made of spareribs? Or if up were down and black were white and the Detroit Tigers didn’t suck major donkey dick? But then I have to laugh and shake my head at my own foolish indulgence, pull out the carb on the the bong and return to the simplicity and structured order of the Spongebob and the Funion. It is the natural way of things.

Kate showing crack and nips is in Spain this week:

Eva Mendes’ new Calvin Klein ad for his latest fragrance “Secret Obsession” has been banned by U.S. networks for its “racy content” (re: nipples). The NY Daily News says

The “We Own the Night” star caresses herself, rolls around in a rumpled bed and - oops! - flashes a nipple in the 30-second TV spot for Secret Obsession. “Between love and madness lies obsession,” Mendes whispers huskily. “Love … madness. It’s my secret.”

The ban “is not entirely a surprise for the U.S. market,” [said the] president of Calvin Klein, Inc. “We believe the commercial is exceptional. [The attention surrounding the ad] just reinforces our belief in the campaign, in true Calvin Klein fashion, sparks controversy.”

And it reinforces my belief that if something is spectacularly average and clichéd in every way possible, just toss some nipples in the mix and it’s magically avant-garde! Unless you’re applying for financial assistance or a bank loan, in which case nipples are more of a public indecency charge and nuisance. The more you know!

Kate Moss showed up to the opening of the Mert Alas & Marcus Piggott photography exhibit in the Istanbul, Turkey dressed in a completely see-through dress. ‘Cause if there’s one thing a predominantly Muslim country loves, it’s visible nipples. They also really like it when you walk into the Mosque with your shoes still on holding the Koran in your wiping hand. Toss in a few “Jesus Christ is Lord’s” and “America RULEZ!’s” and you’re guaranteed to blend seamlessly into their culture.

Here’s a little somethin’ to start your morning off right: I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself on a serene beach. No, really. Just do it. The sun warm on your face, a salty breeze, the faint cry of seagulls and surf in the backdrop of your mind. Are we there yet? Okay, good. Now I want you to conjure up the image of Pete Doherty’s nipples. Puffy and pink, surrounded by moles and the occasional wayward sprig of hair. Okay, now imagine they’re chapped. Drink it all in like a fine port — swirl it around in your metaphorical glass and breathe in the heady bouquet of puss and flaking areolas. Lastly, imagine them nestled like bleeding bird eggs inside his girlfriend’s Cross Your Heart. Voila! — instantaneous bliss. You can thank me later. According to Female First

Pete Doherty is wearing his girlfriend’s bras to protect his “sore nipples”. The troubled Babyshambles rocker is in training for this year’s Flora London Marathon [and] complains his T-shirts are chafing his chest. [Doherty] has been borrowing 19-year-old model Portia Freeman’s padded underwear to ease the pain.

A source said: “He’s really serious about kicking drugs and this is really testing his will power and giving him a goal. All that is putting him off are his amazingly sore nipples, but Portia’s underwear is really helping.”

The only thing that could possibly be worse than Pete Doherty’s chapped nipples is maybe an oozing boil on Blake Fielder-Civil’s taint, but I’m going to save myself the trip and let you take the mental escape there yourself. You can just send me a postcard instead.