Miss California Carrie Prejean was demanding over a million dollars in compensatory damages from pageant officials in a lawsuit last month — that is, until Pageant attorneys showed Carrie they were in possession of her sex tape. According to TMZ

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

We’re told it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away. She pocketed nothing in the settlement.

So when it happens to David Letterman, it’s extortion that merits FBI intervention and jail time. When Carrie Prejean is blackmailed out of a million-dollar settlement with a sex tape, it’s just “legal negotiations.” I see. I’ll have to remember that when I show that girl from HR the secret camera-phone footage I took of her on the crapper last week.

Annoyingly censored topless pics before she got the fake titties:

This is Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who according to wikipedia is “also known as T P-T, …a well-known one-time English “it girl”, television personality, presenter and model.” That’s probably why I don’t know who the hell she is, but I can tell you she scares the bejeezus out of me. I think I saw her in a nightmare once, and when I woke up, I was muttering something about a witch’s teat. I’m just puzzled how celebrities can get away with flashing nipples in public, but when I want it to be a “shirt optional” day, it’s always, “indecent exposure” this and “you can’t come to the parent-teacher conferences anymore” that. Pff.

More double, double, toil and trouble at the Tatler 300th anniversary party in London

These pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene are like a year old, but all the other cool kids are putting them up, so far be it from me not to follow suit. Besides, lots of things get better as they get older. These pictures might have been aged in an oak barrel in an underground cellar in France for the last 12 months for all I know. I’m pretty sure I could charge you extra for that.

Today has been unbelievably boring, I know. I was actually starting to feel a little… bad about it. But then I remembered I had still had half a bottle of tequila under the driver’s seat of the Yugo. Problem solved! So shut up and enjoy Kate Moss‘ nipples, crybabies.

All nips at the Yves St Laurent fashion show afterparty:

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online

Sophie Monk’s new movie “The Hills Run Red” heads straight to a DVD player near you today, in which she plays a stripper who shows her boobs. That’s all I really know. I was going to do a little more research, but that would have required reading words instead of staring at her boobs. Which, ironically, is exactly you’re doing right now. Dumbass!

All thumbs 2 and 3 NSFW:

Break out your hankies, boys and girls — Lily Allen is retiring from music. The Sun says

Lily Allen has confirmed she will never make another album.

She wrote [on her new blog]: “Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I’m concerned.”

The 24-year-old star is now focusing on her appearance in a London theatre production called Reasons to be Pretty. “The play is about themes close to my heart, about the really damaging cult of beauty among young girls,” [Lily said].

I’m glad young girls will have a strong feminine icon like Lily to look up to so they can finally escape that “damaging cult of beauty.” A belligerent, yo-yo dieting, coke-binging, titty-flashing piss-ass drunk of an icon. Amy Winehouse was probably too busy.

Lily in this month’s GQ, plus some more behind the scene shots of Lily in her underpants — and some NSFW completely topless — after the jump

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It somehow eludes most female celebrities that a flashbulb makes black fabric transparent. Just like AIDS has somehow eluded Magic Johnson, even though he’s been HIV positive for 18 goddamn years. I have several theories, all of which involve Spiro T. Agnew, the CDC, and actual magic, but I’m not at liberty to divulge them until all my stuff makes it through customs and I finally assume my new life as Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas. I’ve probably already said too much.

Rihanna + black tank top + flash = nipple rings:

Well, I’ll be damned. You can do something with sheer red lace other than hang it from an antebellum whorehouse window. Scarlett O’Hara could really learn a thing or two from Lady Gaga.

“Performing” at New York’s Fashion Week yesterday, plus some of her drunk at the VMA’s afterparty:

The only way to make Eva Mendes interesting is to show her nipples. Prepare to be mesmerized like never before!

Ever wondered what Hermione Granger’s nipples would look like? Well, (NSFW) Boobicus Appearicus! A former boyfriend of Emma Watson claims to have taken the photo, but you can do a lot with PhotoShop these days, and I can’t vouch for its authenticity. But as Professor Dumbledore once said, “Boobies are boobies.” Erectus Weeniosa!

UPDATE: So it’s definitely a fake.

Brain teaser: which of these is bigger — Tori Spelling’s glasses, or Tori Spelling’s nipples? Remember, perspective is everything!

I’ve already introduced you to the term “party hat nipple.” Now meet Lady Gaga’s spin on the party hat, the “nipple sombrero.” You know, for those times you want to make your aereolas look as big as fucking dinner plates.

Leaving Bungalow 8 with Richie Rich: