Big, important news today — former Playmate of the Year Jenny McCarthy will be putting her puss back on display for the jerk-off mag that made her a household name back in the nineties. That ought to cure her kid’s autism right there. Star Pulse says:

Jenny McCarthy is baring all again for Playboy one more time as she prepares to celebrate her 40th birthday in November.

The model and actress kicked off her career with a Playboy pictorial in 1993 and went on to become that year’s Playmate of the Year. She has returned for spreads in the men’s magazine over the years and… will now appear naked in the July 2012 issue of the magazine.

Playboy is so damn heavy-handed with the airbrushing that the only way you’ll be able to distinguish whether the naked pictures you’re looking at are of Jenny McCarthy at age 24 or Jenny McCarthy at age 40 is by the amount of pubic hair she’s sporting. She’s got enough growth in the ’93 pictures to actually cast a pubic hair shadow. So the more hair you see, the younger she is in the photo. It’s sorta like counting rings on a tree, except way sexier.

Obviously NSFW old Playboy pics here + more pics of her at Upfronts after the jump:

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The sexual assault and battery lawsuit that Masseur Number 2 filed against John Travolta last week won’t be going to trial, not because it’s baseless and without merit, but because both he and Travolta have agreed the case should be heard in mediation. And what does mediation entail, exactly? I’m glad you asked. Radar Online says:

“Both sides will agree to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, etc. The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge, who will decide how much money if any the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential.

This is done for a plethora of reasons, mainly, this will allow the masseur’s identity from being made public, and it would just be a media circus if it did go to trial. This will be the best way for the case to be heard with minimal disruption to John Travolta and the masseur’s life.”

And just as a recap, masseur number 2′s suit alleges:

While working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, January 28, 2012, Doe Plantiff No. 2 did an in-room massage on Travolta, as the massage came to an end “Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum.

Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2′s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover…Travolta started masturbating about 15 minutes left in the session, and Doe Plaintiff No.2, said he had to go.”

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets man, man gets massage, man tries to make boy touch his scrotum and then jerks off when boy refuses. I think we’ve all been to sleep-away camp before.

To un-gay this post, some candids Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton took during her SI shoot:

Sofia Vergara es muy caliente in May’s GQ Mexico. I would add other phrases in Spanish, but my understanding of the language is limited at best. I don’t think “Dónde está la biblioteca?” is relevant nor erotic, so we’ll just leave it at that.

Mustachioed behemoth Rosie O’Donnell was on the Today Show this week as part of the Today’s Professionals segment, and comments that she made about Lindsay Lohan’s downward spiral and Lifetime’s mistake casting her as Elizabeth Taylor in their new movie “Liz & Dick” had people so fired up that the Today Show brought her back today to defend her stance — namely that Lindsay Lohan is a fucking trainwreck caught in the dregs of addiction who hasn’t had a decent movie out “Mean Girls” opened 96 months ago. USA Today says:

Rosie stuck to her opinion about Lohan, recalling her as a “beautiful, talented little kid,” when she was doing Parent Trap. And then, “We’ve all seen what’s happened in the last decade and it’s tragic.”

“Listen, I’m 50 years old, and watching Whitney Houston’s funeral I remember thinking why didn’t more people say what they knew. We all knew. When she would not show up to do this show, not show up to my show. We watched Being Bobby Brown. It was like watching Sid and Nancy. They were people in the throes of addiction. But all we cared about was the ratings, not that this talented individual, this human being, this mother, this daughter, was worth saving and pulling out of the money market industry and I know only someone can be in control of their own sobriety, but to look at Lindsay Lohan you cannot help but feel for her. I do not think she’s untalented. I think she’s quite talented.”

And what does Lindsay think about Rosie’s completely factual and accurate statements about the current state of her career? See if you can guess:

Lohan isn’t too worried about Rosie’s rant. “I know that I’m great,” she told Access Hollywood. “I know Liz Taylor really well and we shared some makeup artists … same hairstylist. We’ve worked with a lot of the same people.”

With such a profound personal connection — makeup AND hair stylists! — they’re practically the same person. Except, you know, Elizabeth Taylor has two Academy Awards and a Screen Actors Guild’s Life Achievement Award, and all Lindsay has to show for the last six years is 10 Razzies and the herpes simplex virus. The same, only different.

Sonya’s in till Tuesday while I do some court-ordered drying out of my liver, but in the meantime, enjoy 90′s Victoria’s Secret model Stephanie Seymour in a see-through dress at the Tribeca Film Festival, because I’m a giver:

Something called Retro Space unearthed a 32-year-old Victoria’s Secret catalog which is NOTHING like the current incarnation, most notably because it features un-airbrushed women without overinflated lips and breast implants and twenty-five pounds of hair extensions. The Daily Mail says:

Unlike the marketing imagery we see today, the ’79 cast of models have uneven skin tones, slight love handles and even sagging breasts.

Muscle lines – which would normally be softened – are prominent, waists are not carved away, and tan lines, nipples and even pubic hair are visible.

It’s so nice to see a real woman. Today’s Angels look more like the cloners on Kamino than anything that could actually bear children. And that’s what it’s ultimately all about, isn’t it? It just never sounds as sexy when you frame it along the lines of the biological imperative.

My mom used to say to me as a way of inspiring me when things didn’t seem to be going my way, “When all else fails, show your boobs.” Somehow I think former “Pussycat Dolls” member Melody Thornton got that memo. Of course, since I wasn’t even quasi-famous, when I did it, it tended to end up with charges of indecent exposure. Life’s just not fair.

At Elle’s Women in Music bash last night:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan’s strange salmon-colored 70′s men’s tuxedo pants are so distractingly hideous they almost make me stare at them more then her unfettered fun bags. You notice I said almost.I don’t care about fashion that much.

There are times when fitness model Jennifer Nicole Lee looks really super smokin’ hot. This is not one of those times, my friends. She looks like some kinda she-male Elizabeth Berkley impersonator. If it weren’t for the nipples, I wouldn’t have even posted them at all.

Attempting a deck change in Miami:

It had been a dishearteningly nipple-free Friday until I stumbled across these pictures of Candice Swanepoel topless in Vogue Italia. Frankly, I can’t think of a better way to kick-start your weekend.

Rihanna left Da Silvano Restaurant in New York last night flashing her bits, which is all fine and well, but what I can’t figure out is why it looks like she got dressed from the closets of a construction worker and his son. Apparently the dad didn’t have any shirt to spare, so they hobbled together a shirt for her out of one of the kid’s sweaters and a pair of his pants. It sounds like a page from some weird fairy tale, except instead of furry sidekicks, an award-winning score and true love, there’s bad pop music, a thank-you quickie and a lingering rash.

Thumbnails are LSFW, except for that last one, where she apparently realizes her boobs are showing.

Kate Moss is two years shy of forty, but that hasn’t stopped her from flashing her tits every chance she gets. Needless to say, she’s my own personal hero.

Drunken upskirt while celebrating the big 3-8 in London:

Izabel Goulart is a Victoria’s Secret/Sports Illustrated model with a body that could move a man to tears, but the good folks at Muse decided the perfect backdrop for all that nekkid splendor was a dirty public restroom. I guess the juxtaposition of the two is supposed to be provocative somehow, in the same way that poking a diamond into a turd might be considered provocative. Is it a metaphor for the ugliness of consumerism? Does it represent the dirty reality of a society mired in youth-obsession and vanity? Or is it just a really crappy attempt to shock you into thinking it’s somehow art? I don’t really know. Maybe we should ask Izabel Goulart’s tits. They seem to know what’s up.