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Unretouched photographs of Madonna topless in a hotel room taken during a December 2008 shoot for W Magazine leaked online yesterday, and Madonna has been frantically unleashing her attorneys to snatch them up as quickly as they appear (click on the header to see the only one I could still currently find). The Daily Mail says:

The unflattering shots [show] the 53-year-old singer – then aged 50 – in a series of unladylike positions wearing a see-through bra and a black thong.

In one she is sat with her legs apart while slumped on the sofa in her underwear.

The blonde wig she was wearing is off-center.

In another shot, Madge is seen topless facing a mirror as she changes into an outfit.

Three months after the shoot, fashion bible W Magazine published a 46-page spread of rather more flattering, touched-up photographs of the singer in its March 2009 edition.

I’m not too bummed about not finding the rest of the pics because frankly, I don’t want to get an eyeful of Madonna’s leathery old bat cave. If I’m staring down into the gaping maw of hell, it better be because it’s Judgement Day and the rapture is nigh, not because I voluntarily looked at pictures of an old person’s puss.

Ladies, this is why you don’t want to have babies. Look what they do to your tits. It’s like someone plugged a flat tire with a jelly bean and never bothered to re-inflate it.

Ali Larter in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I know the stupid Teen Choice Awards were last night, but it’s too early and I’m too hungover to talk about that shit yet, so let’s just look at these nice pics of Rihanna in her Bob Marley swimsuit instead. I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out if she had four-inch-long labia or if that was just the folds of Bob’s collar in her crotch. If you stare at it long enough, you can kinda get lost in the moment where one becomes the other becomes the other again. It’s like Salvador Dali’sHalluciongenic Toreador” if it were made out of camel toes.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It’s no secret that Ben Affleck likes to gamble and whore — but nobody knew exactly how much he like to gamble until today, when it was revealed that Ben lost nearly half a million to a movie mogul while partaking in the same secret poker ring that put Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon under federal investigation last month. Radar Online says:

It’s emerged Affleck, 35, even hosted his own game — which was referred to in poker circles as “Ben’s Game” — at the Grand Havana Room in Beverly Hills.

“Ben wasn’t the most skillful player,” [an insider said]. “It was almost like he was someone who felt they did not deserve the money they had.”

The actor began gambling with Ron Meyer, president of Universal Studios, [and] their poker games were anything but friendly — the Hollywood honcho’s biggest winning hands came at the expense of the actor, who lost a hand to the tune of $400,000.

“Ben busted big,” one player at the table on the night in question said. “He drummed up a giant tab, and then all of a sudden he disappeared from the game. He wasn’t seen for months.”

It left many in the ring to ask why the star just didn’t pay Meyer. The source said: “He’d had a string of bad movies and didn’t have any big projects on the horizon, and everyone was wondering, ‘Is Ben broke?’

“But we knew that he couldn’t stiff a businessman like Ron Meyer. That would be ‘career over’ in Hollywood. Suicide.”

Let’s be honest, the name “Ben Affleck” has been synonymous with “career over” for the last six years. And speaking of has-Bens (see how I did that?), former supermodel Paulina Porizkova went swimming last weekend without her top on. It’s only slightly less depressing than talking about Ben Affleck’s career, but hey — it’s still boobs. And the last time I checked, it was two more boobs than you had when you first started this post.

Alessandra Ambrosio is definitely selling something in this shoot — denim, maybe, or possibly beer or men’s deodorant — but one thing that she’s not hawking is a bra. Because she’s not wearing one. I’ll be honest, that’s about as far as I got.

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