Here’s Lady Gaga in Paris on the December 21st, sans pants and shirt. Paris’ temperature on that day was a balmy 39°, so you can see why she wouldn’t need the extravagance of superfluous clothing. I am happy to see though, that she’s well prepared for a flood with those boots, and she’s ready to be walked on a leash if someone mistakes her for a dog. Which, with her face, is not a big stretch.
Aw, how nice. This fine young man is doing his philanthropic part by escorting this obviously mentally-challenged young lady for an amble around the block. Eating glue all day long at the adult day care can really get boring. Poor simple-minded girl forgot her pants today–whoopsy! But she doesn’t mind. Just look at her vacuous expression. Let’s just leave the girl in peace. ‘Cause if you can’t tell by now, I’m all about being sensitive to retard’s feelings.
Okay, okay, Jessica Simpson might not be technically retarded, just like I might not technically be a fine writer. With Eric Johnson leading the way:
“Doot do dooo, hi ya’ll, it’s me, Britney Spears. Remember back in the day when all ya’ll would be droolin’ over me and my milkshake? Remember when I knew stuff about bras and how they can keep yer tits from going all wonky? I do, because I have pictures of myself from those times, and I actually have them here in my pants pocket, so I’ll show ya. Oops. Except I forgot to wear pants today. Ha! Ha! My bad!”
Hey all, it’s Sonya today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, but don’t worry, your beloved Abby will return on Monday. Following in the footsteps of pant-haters Lily Allen and Lindsay Lohan,Fantasia Barrino was spotted at LaGuardia Airport in NYC wearing footless tights. She also appears to be sporting, how do I put this delicately, rhino-toe? That thing’s a man-eater, baby! I think I can make out gnashing teeth in there! Prepare the tranquilizer gun, we’re going hunting!
Holy shit you guys, I’ve been so delirious with fever all day that I nearly forgot about Lily Allen Cutewatch ’09! I hope you can find it in your cold, dead hearts to forgive me. Anyway, Lily had dinner at the Waverly Inn in NYC and then took time out of her busy schedule of being adorably insane to stop and remind us that she finds trousers to be an unnecessary and burdensome formality. Oh, Lily. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
I’ve mentioned before that Lily Allen being out of her goddamn mind is the primary reason for my inexplicable fondness for her. Well, clearly Lily remembered that Valentine’s Day is coming up because she’s working extra hard on filling her handwoven basket of crazy so that she can give it to me as a symbol of our fictional platonic love.
Here she is, composing trouserless sonnets in my general direction whilst stepping out for a smoke in Toronto:
Pamela Anderson showed up at fashion photographer David LaChapelle’s ‘Jesus Is My Homeboy’ art exhibition over the weekend with the dewy complexion of a recently-unearthed potato and enough makeup to repaint the Sistine Chapel. Oh, and did I mention she wasn’t wearing any pants? According to the Daily Mail
The former Baywatch star caused a stir when she arrived at one of the most important art exhibitions in the U.S., Art Basel Miami Beach, wearing a pair of orange and black patterned underpants.
Anderson at least covered the top half of her modesty, with a grey off-the-shoulder t-shirt. Anderson enjoyed playing up to the cameras as she seductively bent over paintings, with her bottom and pink high heels in the air.
That just goes to show you that what you see in cartoons don’t always translate to real life. Sure, the whole “no pants” thing works for Donald Duck and Squidward, but experience has taught me that it doesn’t fly in the work place or while loitering outside the schoolyard. You also might want to pass on “swapping cigars with TNT” and “dressing up as a sexy girl rabbit to fool your captors.” Believe me, there are just some things from which the human mouth never recovers.
Actor Steve Guttenberg, who you might remember as Mahoney from the Police Academy movies and the gay one from “Three Men and a Baby,” enjoyed an afternoon constitutional through the park sans pants while training for the New York City Marathon last month. It’s the very realization of everything that my grandma feared about the Big City — pantless Jews with blurry genitals accosting innocent passersby in the park. But the way Grandma always told it, there should have been a gang of thugs with a taste for white women wielding shanks and a couple of post-op transsexuals fornicating on a park bench. The City That Never Sleeps is also The City That Never Wears Pants, she always said! That’s why we decided in the end to have Grandma put down.
