The 16th Annual Screen Actors’ Guild Awards aired Saturday night, and I imagine many of you were too busy playing World of Warcraft in your mother’s basement to actually watch it. Fortunately, it’s my job to tell you what happened, so you can sound cool and informed when you manage to stalk catch the receptionist when she’s alone at the water cooler.

So, in a nutshell, it was a giant pile of self-congratulatory ass-kissing. The real mystery of the night was how that piece of shit “Nine” managed to get nominated for anything other than Biggest Waste of Time and Talent, but it somehow found itself in the running like ten times. “Inglorious Basterds” was the big winner of the night, and Jeff Bridges was finally recognized for the colossus he is with a Best Male Actor win for his role in “Crazy Heart.” Yeah, fucking “Crazy Heart.” I know. The only thing his role in “The Big Lebowski” turns up is The Russian Guild of Film Critics’ Golden Aires Award for Best Foreign Film, but he gets nominated and wins for “Crazy Heart.” Which is precisely why I stopped watching these award shows in the first place. Well, that, and because you don’t become a 9th level Blood Elf Paladin by watching a bunch of jerk-off actors telling each other how great they are. Some of us have Horde orcs and Darkspear trolls to destroy, you know!

For a complete list of winners, click here; more pics after the jump.

Drew Barrymore:

Penelope Cruz:

Kate Hudson:

Mariah Carey:

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The Grammy nominations were announced last night, and among those listed were crap, crap and who fucking cares. I’m only even telling you this as an excuse to post pictures of Katy Perry’s boobs, because she was there at the announcement party in a ridiculously low-cut tight dress, but if you’re some kind of homo who wants actual details, feel free to keep reading:

Beyonce had the most Grammy nominations, including ones for album of the year for I Am Sasha Fierce, and song of the year for Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).

Taylor Swift, the year’s best-selling artist outside of the late Michael Jackson, was nominated for eight including album, song and record of the year.

And Lady Gaga had five nominations overall including best album for her debut CD, The Fame. The Black Eyed Peas were nominated for record of the year for their feel-good song, I Gotta Feeling, while the Kings of Leon were nominated for Use Somebody.

Blahbitty blahbitty boobs. Did you not see them up there? Perhaps if you took the sweaty man-cock out of your mouth and wiped the balls off your chin, you’d have a better view. Homo.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

The 81st annual Academy Award nominations were announced this morning, and it looks like Oscar has himself a case of Benjamin Button fever. People Magazine says

Benjamin Button led the field, with a total of 13 nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor, Supporting Actress, Director and Screenplay. It was followed by Slumdog Millionaire, with 10.

Perennial nominee Meryl Streep, a two-time Oscar winner who already holds the record for most nominations of any actor or actress – this is her 15th time up at bat – was nominated as Best Actress in Doubt.

Also up for best picture: “Milk” and “The Reader.” Now, I understand including “The Reader,” because of its insightful meditation into the duality of human nature and the legacy of collective guilt inherited by the post-war generation. And — more importantly — it had boobs. But “Milk?!” For Best Picture? Please. Just because it’s about a gay doesn’t make it great. It just makes it gay. Kinda like your mom, but without the mustache and socialist agenda. Zing!

Complete list of nominees after the jump

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The SAG Award nominees were announced this morning, with actress Kate Winslet at the front of the pack with two nominations and John Patrick Shanley’s “Doubt” earning five. People Magazine says

The actress was recognized by her peers… as both a lead and supporting actress for her current releases, Revolutionary Road and The Reader.

John Patrick Shanley’s Doubt – starring the nominated Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams and Viloa Davis – led the movie pack, with five nods.

The late Heath Ledger also joins the SAG best supporting actor category for [his role as the Joker].

Brad Pitt got a leading actor nod for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Angelina Jolie was also recognized, for Changeling.

Notably absent from the list: “The Love Guru,” “Mad Money,” and that video of me doing a one-man rendition of “How Green Was My Valley” in Klingon. It might not win any awards, but you’d still have to agree it’s the most watchable of the three.

Now, in the spirit of Christmas and Baby Jesus, Yahoo lays off 1500 employees but still manages to scrounge up enough money to host a “Yahoo Snow Fight” with British Page 3 model Nicola McLean. Maybe there wasn’t a manger nearby that they could take a dump in:

Bonus:
Screw You Yahoo – A song written by Michelle Chappel, a former Yahoo consultant.

The ridiculously long complete list of nominations after the jump:

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The much-anticipated 2009 Golden Globes Nominations were announced this morning, so in their honor, I present Carmen Electra and her golden globes in Playboy’s 55th anniversary issue. Not bad for 36. Not bad at all. People Magazine says

Brad Pitt was nominated for his leading dramatic role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which, along with director Ron Howard’s adaptation of the stage drama Frost/Nixon and another stage-to-screen transfer, Doubt, led the Globes’ list, with five nominations each.

The other dramatic leading actor nominees are Leonardo DiCaprio, Revolutionary Road; Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon; Sean Penn, Milk (that acclaimed film’s only nomination); and Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler.

Giggling broke out when the names of James Franco and Tom Cruise were announced, for their respective comedy roles – in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder.

Remember back when we were talking about inane self-congratulatory celebrity award shows? Yeah, that was boring. So here’s more Carmen Electra boobage from a live ZZ Top show two years ago. I like keeping things relevant.

The complete list of nominees after the jump.

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The 2009 Grammy Nominations were announced last night via a first-ever televised primetime concert starring Christina Aguilera, John Mayer and Mariah Carey. The show also marked the grand opening of the new Grammy Museum, which officially opens to the public this weekend. People Magazine says

The event was cohosted by Taylor Swift and LL Cool J. Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye West were other top Grammy nominees – each with six nods. Radiohead was nominated for five awards, as were Robert Plant and Alison Krauss.

Album of the year contenders included Coldplay (Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends); rapper Lil Wayne (Tha Carter III); Robert Plant & Alison Krauss (Raising Sand); R&B singer Ne-Yo (Year of the Gentleman); and British alt-rock heroes Radiohead (In Rainbows). Pop-rock trio the Jonas Brothers led the list of best new artist nominees, along with British soul singers Adele and Duffy.

CBS will broadcast the 51st Grammy Awards live from Los Angeles’s Staples Center on Feb. 8.

In what bizarre world is Radiohead pitted against the likes of L’il Wayne and Ne-Yo? That’s like comparing the proverbial apples and oranges. Critically acclaimed, actual-instrument-playing apples and spoken-word-over-tracks-they’ve-lifted-from-other-more-talented-apples’-songs oranges. It’s not even fair. Perhaps next year they can create a category for “best crotch grab” and “most convincing slouch-and-squat in front of a bunch of chicks in bikinis’ asses” category. That way, the rappers won’t feel left out, and an actual musician can win Album of the Year. See, everybody wins!

The complete list of categories and nominees after the jump.

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