When Miranda Kerr and Donald Duck do it, it’s “avant-garde” and “adorable.” When I decide to go outside without pants, it’s misdemeanor indecent exposure. Explain to me how the hell that works.

Miranda in next month’s V magazine with Ana Beatriz Barros:

It reportedly took “Zombieland’s” Amber Heard four months of daily exercise and a strict no-carb diet to drop 25 pounds for her role in the CW’s “Hidden Palms.” Whereas it only took me two weeks to drop 25 pounds, thanks to my staunch commitment to “The 3 M’s” — Meth, Mountain Dew and Marlboro Lights. You won’t find a trimmer physique in all of Rusty Acres Trailer Park!

Pop quiz: What do you get when you combine six and eight? I don’t know, but I sure hope it involves a video camera and tear-away cheerleader uniforms. Woo! High five!

Old pics of Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica’s Number 6) in Maxim…

… and Grace Park (BSG’s Number in FHM:

Those “water goddess” pictures of Kim Kardashian I put up earlier this week were actually part of her shoot for next month’s South African FHM. Because really, with all the HIV, gang rape, and rampant murder, why wouldn’t you want to do a bikini shoot in South Africa? For authenticity’s sake, though, they should have included a few shots of a farmer getting stabbed in the neck and maybe a school girl or two being jackrolled in the background. These just smack of American opulence.