A woman is shopping around what she claims is a “full frontal” picture of Philadelphia Eagles star and canine enthusiast Michael Vick to various media outlets. Radar Online says:

According to one website the woman contacted, she told them the photo was easily identifiable as Vick because the unique tattoos “that appear all over his body including his signature super man tatoo [sic].”

The woman claims the photo was taken less than a year ago in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas.

“He is in the bathroom of the hotel room the night before the game taking the photos of himself,” the woman claims. “It is from the neck down with all tattoos visible.”

Michael Vick is married with two kids, so not only will he have shown the world his wiener, but he will have revealed himself as a philanderer, too. A philandering, wiener-flaunting dog-fighting asshole. Even Bernie Madoff cuts a more sympathetic figure than this guy.

And now for some Kelly Brook in lingerie in this month’s Nuts:

Scarlett Johansson opens up about those hacked nude photos that surfaced online back in September in next month’s Vanity Fair magazine. The Daily Mail says:

Miss Johansson, 26, has explained that she sent [the photos] to her former husband, Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds.

‘Those are old, from three years ago,’ she told the magazine. ‘They were sent to my husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.

‘It’s not like I was shooting a porno – although there’s nothing wrong with that either.’

She even joked that they showed her in a flattering light because ‘I know my best angles’.

Did she just hint at a possible sex tape? Because it sounds like she was hinting at a possible sex tape. The little cricket on the poster at the library says if we believe hard enough, we can make it happen!

Two weeks ago, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted he had lied about posting semi-nude pictures of himself online in an attempt to sexually engage a number of women, including (but not limited to): a porn star, two strippers, a 17-year old girl, eight maids a-milking and a partridge in a pear tree. This past weekend, Weiner checked himself into rehab so that he could thrust (pun intended!) his sex pervert issues onto his shitty childhood and tell everyone the emotional scars from having the last name “Weiner” made him do it. However, on Monday, the House Ethics Committee began formally investigating him and President Obama straight-up said Weiner needed to resign. See if you can guess where this is going. Us Magazine says:

Mired in a lewd Twitter photo scandal, New York Representative Anthony Wiener has told friends that he’ll leave his seat at the House.

The 46 year-old Congressman’s decision reportedly came following long conversations with his wife, Huma Abedin. Now expecting her first child, Abedin returned from a trip abroad Tuesday with her boss, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The chairman of the Democratic National Committee [said]: “The behavior he has exhibited is indefensible and Rep. Weiner’s continued service in Congress is untenable.”

And here’s one more indistinguishable whore he tried to cyber-bang, porn star turned stripper Ginger Lee, claiming that she did not solicit his sexual advances online, largely because his credit card was declined.

UPDATE: It’s official. He just resigned.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Police visited the home of a 17-year-old girl in Delaware on Friday afternoon to question her about online communications she had with disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner. Ooh, looks like somebody’s finally ready for his big “To Catch a Predator” closeup! TMZ says:

Two officers went to the high school student’s home [and] spoke with the girl’s mother about her daughter’s alleged Twitter relationship with the Congressman.

The girl followed Weiner on Twitter after she saw him speak at her school on April 1st — and Weiner messaged her soon after.

It’s unclear what he messaged her or how long the online relationship lasted — but the girl tells Fox, “I’m doing okay.”

Everybody knows the public might swallow a couple of sad wiener pics floating out on the interwebs, but voters always get all huffy when you get busted soliciting underage girls, so The Weiner is headed to rehab in a last-ditch effort to salvage his career. His rep said in a statement:

“Congressman Weiner departed this morning to seek professional treatment to focus on becoming a better husband and healthier person. In light of that, he will request a short leave of absence from the House of Representatives so that he can get evaluated and map out a course of treatment to make himself well.”

Congressman Weiner takes the views of his colleagues very seriously and has determined that he needs this time to get healthy and make the best decision possible for himself, his family and his constituents.”

Look, the guy doesn’t have a mental disorder or deep-seeded psychological issues. He’s a guy who looked like this in high school and probably couldn’t get laid in the eighties if he had dollar signs for balls. His year book photo is like the unholy union of early-eighties Jennifer Grey and Welcome Back Kotter’s Arnold Horshack. I don’t know if he’ll be ousted from Congress after all this, but you can bet his lifetime membership to the Sweathogs has been revoked.

When asked for comment, Blake Lively’s representative reportedly said, “Awww….. goddammit.”

The same hacker who’s gone after Vanessa Hudgens and released those nude photos has his sights set on a whole slew of other celebrities. They do realize that they wouldn’t have to worry about that if you know, they quit taking nude photos of themselves? Says TMZ,

TMZ broke the story … the FBI sat down with Vanessa Hudgens Wednesday for more than an hour to determine how her Gmail account got hacked.

We’re told 50 celebs had compromising photos and videos stolen by one group, and one of the ringleaders has his fingerprints on every job.

Our sources say the hackers’ primary motivation is the thrill and challenge of it all — not the money.

Law enforcement sources tell us the FBI is closing in on the hackers.

A further update reveals some of the names of those 50 celebrities:

We’ve learned the ring has hit the mobile and other devices of Jessica Alba, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Christina Aguilera. We’ve already told you the ring also stole pics and video from Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.

I of course would never be involved in something so low as hacking into people’s electronic devices and stealing pictures. It’s just so impersonal. I prefer to dress in camo, stick leaves in my hair, climb a tree and use my high-powered telephoto lens camera to peep in celebrity houses. Anyone can sit behind a computer, but not everyone knows that sitting in a tree above a nest of fire ants isn’t a great idea. That’s real world experience, people!

Until some more of those nudie shots are released, here’s some pictures of Stephanie Seymour in a bikini:

If you were wondering if those very explicit, censored nude photos really were Vanessa Hudgens, well here’s your answer. Her lawyers have got the cops involved! TMZ reports,

Vanessa Hudgens is angry over the latest release of nude photos on the Internet, and now cops are involved … TMZ has learned.

Hudgen’s lawyer, Christopher Wong, tells TMZ, “Vanessa is deeply upset and angered that these old photos, which were taken years ago, continue to resurface. It is particularly disturbing that whoever got a hold of these private photos seem to be intent on illegally leaking them out over a long period of time.”

Wong goes on: “We are actively working with law enforcement to determine who is responsible and to hold them accountable for their actions.”

I don’t know why she bothers to get all upset over it. It’s not like she’s not “leaked” photos of herself before. I don’t remember her threatening to sic her lawyers on anyone then. Getting mad that someone leaked naked pictures of you when you’ve already done it yourself is like feeding your dog a bunch of hot dogs and then being surprised when he shits all over your shoes. I thought I was giving my dog a nice treat at the time, but God almighty, that wasn’t such a good idea.

In April’s Shape Magazine.

The interwebs are exploding this morning (and by that I mean a bunch of unemployed 40-something-year-olds who spend all their time looking for nude celebrity pictures are all simultaneously masturbating) to new nude pictures of Vanessa Hudgens. I, of course, am excluded from the pathetic rabble in their perverted exultation. I post these pictures purely to comment on the sad state of today’s youth and their need for exhibition. That being said, you can count on me to post the uncensored pictures when they become available. I’ve been combing the internet for them since the wee hours of the morning.

Also seen kissing Nickelodeon star Alexa Nikolas. It seems the Disney whore factor is catching:

Those rumored Kanye West wiener pics have finally hit the interwebs (click header for NSFW Kanye penis action), and my new best friends at Media Take Out managed to get their hands on them. The bad news is he’s in dire need of some serious manscaping. The good news is if he ever needs a triple bypass, the doctors should have no problem finding a replacement vein. Or seven.

Tiger Woods’ attorneys have gone ahead and put the kibosh on the airing of any nude photos and videos of their disgraced client. TMZ says

Tiger Woods’ lawyers sent a letter to multiple papers and blogs stating the court order “prevents the publication of any photographs, footage or images taken or obtained of the claimant [Tiger] naked or any naked parts of the claimant’s [Tiger's] body or of him involved in any sexual activity.”

But then they throw in this little disclaimer:

“This order is not to be taken as any admission that any such photographs exist, and in the event they do exist they may have been fabricated, altered, manipulated and/or changed to create the false appearance and impression that they are nude photographs of our client.”

Translation: oh, they’re out there — just give it time. The internet bows to no man. Once nekkid pics surface, they’re impossible to squelch. It’d be like trying to catch a cloud and pin it down. And how do you solve a problem like Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown! There. Now it’s in your head the rest of the day, too. Stupid Sound of Music. But I digress…

On to nobler pastures, Tiger was also paying for a lot of the pussy he was raking in. As in hookers. E! Online says

The owner of a now-defunct VIP escort service [Michelle Braun] says that she counted Woods among her celebrity clients and that the golfer “had a pretty big appetite for women.”

Two of [her] former employees were porn actress Holly Sampson and onetime Trashy Lingerie model Jamie Jungers. Neither Sampson nor Jungers could be reached for comment about their involvement with Braun, who gave E! News copies of [their] 1099 tax forms [from] last year.

Woods [was] always “smart enough” to pay in cash, she said. The golfer, in particular, “liked to communicate by text message.”

Woods spent three weekends in Vegas with her girls over the years, dropping $30,000 to $40,000 per trip.

First cocktail waitresses, then porn stars, now hookers — he’s pretty much run the gamut when it comes to your run-of-the-mill whore. All that’s left to surface now are donkeys and German transvestite dominatrices. I give it ’till the end of next week.

The Dirty already gave you a little taste of this, but now it’s getting national attention: Tiger Woods may have a number of bastard children on the way. According to the National Enquirer

A disgraced Tiger Woods is terrified that the worst news is yet to come – that he fathered love children with his mistresses!

The golf great had wild unprotected sex with a string of mistresses and now he fears claims that his out-of-control sexual proclivities may have produced children.

“That would be the final straw for his wife – AND Tiger knows it,” said an insider. “But there is definitely more than one woman out there who could come forward to say she had his babies.”

And even better, one of his unnamed whores is claiming to have sold naked pictures of Tiger to Playgirl, and now there’s even a sex tape in the mix:

The bombshell charge that could wreck what’s left of his once squeaky-clean image, sink his badly tattered marriage and destroy his multimillion-dollar endorsement empire — his many liaisons may have been caught on tape!

The 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could [wind up on the internet]. At least one of the women [with whom he had an affair is said to have] shot homemade videos of romps with [the golfer].

Tiger’s frantic handlers are scrambling to bury any talk of sex tapes, minimize the damage and perform CPR on his image.

He’s gone from being the clean-cut patron saint of golf to porking skanks he met in a truck stop bathroom off I-40. I don’t think “image CPR” is going to cut it. Maybe a defibrillator or seventeen, powered by gamma rays produced by nuclear fusion in hydrogen core of the sun. And even then, the odds aren’t good. Unless he finds a cure for childhood cancer and figures out how to make every day Christmas for the next 20 year, his endorsement deals are pretty much over.