Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett of Playboy’s “Girls Next Door” fame has announced that she is retiring from the illustrious world of soft-core porn. But don’t be too sad, boys — I’m sure some other wigger with implants and a high school equivalency will come along soon to fill that void in your pants heart. Kendra told Radar Online

“No, I think my Playboy days are done. I’m a mother now. Of course I’m not going to quit my whole life but my Playboy days are done. Time to move on and be a mom, that’s my focus!”

Well, this may surprise you, but it seems that a girl who made a career out of getting naked for money may not have had the most emotionally stable childhood. Just sit down and take deep breaths if you’re feeling light-headed from the shock of this stunning revelation. Us Magazine says

In her new E! True Hollywood Story, [Kendra], now, 24, says that she was “about 13″ when she had her first experience with cocaine.

By the time Kendra was 15, she was abusing drugs and cutting [herself]. After [a failed suicide attempt], her mother decided to check her in for two weeks at a secured psychiatric facility.

By her sophomore year of high school, she was a runaway. “I was still on drugs,” she says. “I met a guy and I ended up running away with him. All throughout sophomore year I lived with this guy and I did drugs for that long. Every day, every minute.”

Kendra’s shocking True Hollywood Story premieres on E! Wednesday at 10 p.m. EST.

Wow. I’m still kinda reeling here. It’s almost like… like I don’t know what’s real anymore. One thing’s for sure, though — I’m going to have to huff a lot more VCR head cleaner for any of this to start making sense. The Jim Beam just isn’t doing the trick this morning.

Kendra at the premiere of “The Bounty Hunter” last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Photographer Terry Richardson looks like he should be on a street corner in a wheelchair with a bottle of whiskey and recurring Nam flashbacks (see him here in this creepy pic with the whole Lohan family) but he has somehow managed to convince the women he shoots to take off their clothes in the name of “art.” Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not arguing objectification. Objectify and hyper-sexualize all you want. What I’m arguing against is the masquerading of objectification as art. Don’t dip a turd in frosting and tell me it’s a goddamn cupcake. Because now I make sure to really smell all desserts before I actually bite into them. That’s one mistake I won’t make twice!

Click header for NSFW image

Daryl Hannah might be old enough to actually remember the Bay of Pigs and the debut of Mr. Ed on a three-channel television set, but damn if she doesn’t still look good naked. I always thought that chaining yourself to a tree was only good for making yourself victim of anal rape and sodomy, but apparently, it also does wonders for the physique. I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m wandering alone in the woods in Western Apalachicola.

With her clothes on at some hippie-dippy whale thing:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

“The Hills” star Audrina Partridge strips down in the British version of FHM, which you’ll notice is a lot like our FHM, but with kilometers instead of miles and fish ‘n’ chips instead of toothbrushes. Lucky for us, boobs are not bound by cultural idiosyncrasies. Pip pip cheerio, mates!

I’m not sure how old these pictures of Victoria’s Secret angel Rosie Huntington-Whiteley are, but it says “2010″ on the cover, so I figure they’re recent. It also says “Enero” in tiny print under the title, which I just discovered is Spanish for “it’s tits you faggy know-it-all crybaby.” Nobody likes a whiner!

Several of these are NSFW, but all are VSFM (very suitable for masturbating):

The Real Housewives of New York’s Kelly Bensimon has a spread in next month’s issue of Playboy magazine, which you won’t see here because Playboy has lots of lawyers who seem unfazed by my sparkling intellect and effervescent joie de vivre (legally approved teaser pic here). Instead, you can visualize what she looks like naked using only these pics of her in a bikini and the power of your imagination. Like the lion with the glasses on the poster at the library says, imagination can take you anywhere!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

I’m all about the “suspenders with underpants” look. I think it could work for me just like it’s working for Heidi Klum in these pictures. Only instead of a metal chain or a strip of leather, I’d have to use something a little wider, like maybe six Ace bandages stitched together or a timing belt from an M1 Abram’s tank. Nipples the size of dinner plates can be both a blessing and a curse.

Now that he’s through bumpin uglies with Kate Hudson, Yankees star Alex Rodriguez has set his sights on broader jawlines. According to the NY Daily News

The Yankees slugger is now reportedly hooking up with big screen star Cameron Diaz.

The twosome was spotted dancing the night away in Miami the day before the Super Bowl. Rodriguez, 34, and Diaz, 37, “were having a great time,” while the actress was “grinding on A-Rod.”

And from the sound of it – the duo aren’t just having a fleeting flirtation.

“A-Rod and Cameron have been totally hooking up,” a snitch told the mag.

Well, there’s a match made in lower mandible heaven. I bet their offspring would look like a cross between Bruce Campbell and a trapezoid. Rumer Willis and angler fish everywhere would be so jealous!

Maxillofacialogy isn’t all that sexy, so enjoy Abbey Clancey in body paint instead:

Only British glamour model Lucy Pinder could make sitting like a kindergartener who has to pee look sexy. Frankly, she could be pounding out the sackful of puppies she just set on fire against a brick wall and I’d still think she was sexy. Like my mom always said, “Boobs boobs boobs tits!” Or was it “Love sees no wrong?” I guess it doesn’t matter, since they pretty much means the same thing when you really stop and think about it.

Miranda Kerr is nude in the February 2010 issue of GQ.  If you’re interested, some GQ drone did a sissified interview where he talked to Miranda about her yappy little dog, her jailbird ex-boyfriend, the unsexiness of Victoria’s Secret and whether Orlando Bloom gets lonely.  If you’re not a complete fruitcake, you can skip that bullshit and just look at more Miranda Kerr:

I don’t know how this stupid bitch has managed to convince people she’s a celebrity, but former America’s Next Top Model winner Adrianne Curry has found herself in the limelight once again, thanks to pictures of her titty-sandwiching a Darth Vader dildo and playing World of Warcraft naked. She posted the above picture over the weekend and tweeted

jumping into shower. going to spend my afternoon playing World Of Warcraft butt naked & stoned. Perfect Sunday!

According to my eHarmony profile, my perfect Sunday consists of long walks on the beach, snuggling in front of a fire, and arranging my Beanie Babies in alphabetical order after dressing my two cats in footie pajamas and making them pretend to nurse from me. Yet nobody ever calls.

Oh, hey, look — she’s a naked lesbian now zzzzz….:

Filth, contamination and pestilence be warned: Linday Lohan is headed your way! According to Page Six

Lindsay Lohan is flying off to India to work with children. Lohan is heading to the subcontinent today to film a documentary with the BBC about impoverished kids. An insider said, “She is excited about escaping the drama of LA and doing something real.”

Oh, you can bet your sweet bippy that she’ll be doing something real. Some real good shit, that is! India might have a lot of HIV and the plague, but it’s a heroin and hashish goldmine. The only other way you’d get so much access to so many illegal drugs is if you were Chris Farley’s liver.

More of her Muse magazine pics (thumbs 4 & 7 NSFW):