I don’t even know who this whore is or why she’s famous. She has no discernible talent whatsoever, unless you consider masturbating with Darth Vader a talent. For the record, the judges at the Miss Ricebelt Teen USA pageant sure don’t. Apparently people from Texas just don’t appreciate epic-space-opera-themed erotic finesse.

What breast implants and the self-esteem of a thirteen-year old girl with daddy issues can do:

I remember I was eleven years old and sitting in homeroom when I got my first period. I had to get special permission to go to the office and call my mom so she could bring me a change of underpants from home. So anyway, Mom stuffs a pair of underwear and a giant pink maxipad into a Ziploc bag and leaves it with the office secretary, who in turn sends it to my gym teacher as he’s holding a mike to call square dancing in the gym. He takes one look at it, waves the baggie over his head and announces into the mike, “Abby, your clean panties are here!” and everyone bursts into hysterical laughter and points and I cry so hard my nose bleeds. The sad part is, that wasn’t even half as embarrassing as Mariah Carey’s new video. She really ought to be goddamned ashamed of herself.

In her Dior boots with her Dior doggie in Diorville last month:

Actress Salma Hayek gave not only of her time and her money on a recent mission trip to Afrcia — she also gave of her breasts. Yep, you read that right. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. According to USA Today

“[There was this] baby [that] was perfectly healthy, but the mother didn’t have milk. He was very hungry. I was weaning Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk that I was pumping, so I breast-fed the baby. You should have seen his eyes. When he felt the nourishment, he immediately stopped crying.”

That little trick doesn’t just work with babies, you know. It works with men, too. Whenever they start whinin’ and bitchin’ about something ridiculous, just pop a titty¹ out and shove it in their stupid face until they stop making noise. It usually takes about two or three minutes, depending on their lung capacity, and it helps to have already taped his hands to the couch. And you also have to make sure your areola is covering both the nostrils and the mouth hole, or it won’t work. You know you’re golden when the feet stop twitching. Presto! Now the bastard will never bother you again. We could all learn a lesson in kindness from Salma Hayek.

¹_{Those of you with anything less than a C cup might wanna stick with an iron skillet and a bag of arsenic.}

At the National Board of Review last month: